On off relationship is making me feel mad!

I have been diagnosed with BPD over a year ago, I knew I was totally different all of my life, I was sexually abused as a child Bullied severely at secondary school, and raped at 16. I have had relationship problems all of my life, family ones and friendships and certainly boyfriends!! I'm 26 now tho and after screwing up several good jobs and a nursing degree which I dropped out of, and a 7 year relationship, my current relationship is all over the place. We have been on and off for 18 months (I have 2 children by my ex long term relationship, which also suffered due to my bpd). The problem is, One minute I love him, it usually lasts for a few weeks to a few months and then I wake up one day hating him, I get irritated at everything he does, I can't be intimate with him in any way not even holding hands, hugging kissing etc.. It's tearing me apart!! it never goes away until we break up and then usually a month or so without him I feel the love again!
What is wrong with me!!!!!!!!????????? I am so stupid but i literally cannot even try and force myself to touch him!! I don't think that I have ever had sex whilst being sober either! how can I go on like this!?! I can't see it changing! And when he shouts at me for not having sex, or not being affectionate it makes me despise him!!
I don't have an understanding family and currently living at parents house with him and my kids. My family just think I'm a arguement seeking mental case so I literally have noone to turn to. This is one of a million problems I am suffering from due to BPD! I cannot hold friendships, jobs, uni courses etc!!!! The one thing in this world I have which I don't change with is my love for my kids. Which keeps me stuck in this world! Because I just wish I could go to sleep and not wake up except I cannot leave them!! Really-do I have to be trapped here until one day I die?!?!?!

Oh whymeplzsaveme, I can see that you're really hurting right now. I'm sorry you feel so bad, and that you experienced all that abuse.

Have you been in therapy to talk about the abuse you've suffered? I really think you need someone to talk to. You are trying to deal with so much. I think you should have someone to help you.

Thankyou for your post, I am still waiting for therapy, Seems the NHS Cannot afford to help me when they know that I'm not likely to kill myself! And I don't work due to being too crazy to hold down anything!
I just can't get my head round why I am like this! I am such a kind caring person, I managed to qualify in working with Adults with Special needs, but my stupid brain makes me fk it all up within a few months. My family are so bad at understanding and don't even try to understand, they just all talk about me behind my back, and was told the other day that I just make excuses with relationships, jobs, etc and that it's all my fault! I am literally stuck between two very hard rocks and I have no way out unless I leave my children! Somehow, the only time I can ever be 'human' is when I am with them, I have managed to keep the severity of my condition away from them to a degree. They see that I cry and get low and see me argue sometimes, but they have never seen it get out of control, I really don't know how I have not been sectioned, maybe the love for my girls is all I have to get me through, but sometimes think I need to just let go and loose it!! then I'd be sectioned and away from everybody's prying expectations of me!!!
How can I be so caring and nice and friendly and fun when at the same time I cannot love properly!!!!

I'm sorry you have to wait for therapy. Do you know how long the wait will be?

I noticed you are also posting on the BPD Forum. That's great. Please keep posting and asking questions. Get as much support as you can, especially whilst you are waiting for help from a professional.

Sending you strength and hope.

Thankyou,
yes I am having to wait until next week. feels like an eternity! This forum is helping so much though!!

I am also writing (typing) my story. It is a bit triggering, but it does also feel good to get it in writing. I want to keep writing it so that when I am feeling 'ok' I can write things to help me when I am not ok like now!!

Just wish there was a way I could actually help others in my situation! One day I will I hope!!

Jenny x

Hi Jenny,

That's great that you are finding the forum helpful.

I think writing your story is an excellent idea. Writing it all out can be very therapeutic. Sometimes we just need to put it all down, to get it out of our heads! But it may also be useful when you start therapy, as you can give what you have written to the therapist to read. Sometimes it is easier to write than it is to say things aloud.

In a way, you are already helping others. Some people who come here are too afraid or unsure of themselves to post with their questions. Some will read what you have written and get strength or guidance from your situation.

And it's okay to put yourself first. We have to be a in a safe place before we can reach out to help other people. I hope you find your safe place soon.

Thankyou so much!

You are all so lovely on here!! Who ever said we BP"S were hard to get on with!! I think everyone on here has been nicer and more welcoming/helpful than all of the people I know put together!!

I am Finding some sort of strength I could not have found without this forum!

Jenny x

Are you on medication for your BPD? From reading your posts I think you might be in the UK, so getting meds would be different from the USA. If in the USA you should be able to get free meds. Most bipolars need medication and therapy to manage their mood swings. Even on good meds that work for you there will still be some mood swings, just not as severe. The first thing to do is to get medication that works and a therapist you like then you can work on repairing the relationship with your boyfriend. I think with what you've been through sex would be strained at least, so I can understand needing a few drinks to loosen up. Therapy may be able to help with that a lot, but the most important thing for you to realize is that it wasn't your fault.

Hey, Thank you for your message.
Yes I live in the UK.
I went on Lithium last tear with a strong dose of anti depressants, which didn't do the job, so they swapped the Lithium for Tryptophan which just made me put on loads of weight and that in itself would trigger my moods, first thing in the morning not being able to find clothes to wear makes me just want to get back into bed and cry!

I was changed medication yesterday because I managed to drag myself to the Doctors and tell him that I was going insane and he needed to help me, I can't off of the top of my head remember the name of the tablets I am on now. My doctors and the Mental health team are separate and are shite at working together!! My care is appalling and just wish I could afford to go privately! But hey ho!!

I am not feeling positive by any means today, but since I joined this forum 2 days ago I am feeling noticeably in a better mood. But who knows how I will feel later or tomorrow, or Saturday etc!! It's draining me!

As for my Boyfriend, I am getting to the end of my mental tether with it all! He is emotionally draining me, demanding physical and emotional attention when I can barely regulate my own emotions!!

Thankfully he is going away this weekend for a few days so I get to have some space from him!

Thankyou for your kind Words and Support!

Jenny x