retarded ejaculation, hopefully onto the right path

Hi all

firstly let me say how good it is to finally find somewhere that this issue is openley discussed amongst all the other issues that are openley discussed on here.

anyway i like you suffer from retarded ejaculation, i can still ejaculate with masterbation and i can still ejaculate with masterbation infront of a female.

so far i have been able to cum once inside a female parter and once when she was giving oral. but that has been it.

i think or i pin high hopes on the reason is that my masterbation style was and has been a bit fast and furious so its fair to say that what i can do with my hand a woman cant do with her lady bits to be polite to any female readers.

im still at the young age of 25, not really in that great health but finally decided to kick in the smoking habit, currentley at posting i had went 4 full days cold turkey fallen of the wagon today but after a visit to the docs stocked up on an nrt inhaler and will be ready to jump back onto the wagon tomorrow. losing weight is my next agenda

quick background if anyones intrested of possible reasons why my RE came about

at a young age a semi family member took intrest in me, dont think it would be classed as sexual abuse maybe more heavy petting/playing

bullied at school because i have a slight facial deformity (my lower jaw extends past my upper jaw but hopefully that will be getting sorted out soon if i get a consultation with the maxiofacial clinic

i had a few relationships with local girls but either they got frustrated when i couldnt perform,
or they would go behind my back with my friends then proceed to rub it in my face as the expression goes.

i had a few relationships with local girls but either they got frustrated when i couldnt perform,
or they would go behind my back with my friends then proceed to rub it in my face as the expression goes.

i started to get bored of playing the dating game with girls wanting to do this that try and stop me from doing the
things i wanted to do it, it also at somepoint dawned on me that alot of people were getting divorced or splitting up
from long term relationships and ive picked up the broken pieces of friends who have literally crawled into there
shell when this has happened

now i spend most of my time either working, looking after my parents as both have fallen on real hard times with my
father getting closer to deaths door and my mother with her arthritus and back injuries is slowly getting more and
more depressed.

either way i finally built up the courage to go to the doctors this morning and let them know of my situation, whilst
the doctor was quick to tell me that majority of this is usually in the head she has ordered some blood test and an ecg
for me in the following weeks to rule out any other issues/complications not sure what the ecg will prove but.

anyway i could probally go on and on venting about my life but im just happy to find a place where other people
have the same issue and hopefully i can cure myself in time and maybe give someone else advice on their situation

thanks

Steve

Hi Steve,

I'm glad you went to a doctor. I hope it's the start of getting this problem fixed.

I too have been told that my sexual dysfunction issues are probably just in my head. It is frustrating, because I'd rather a quick fix, like a packet of pills!

But it probably is true. If you're not feeling confident or comfortable, you may well find it hard to reach orgasm with a woman.

How does receiving a hand job feel to you? Do you enjoy them too, or are you only comfortable when you use your own hand?

I don't understand why your previous girlfriends would have got frustrated when you "couldn't perform". They sound a bit immature and mean.

Sex doesn't have to be about reaching orgasm or performing one specific act. If you can give and receive pleasure, that's the main thing, right?

I tend to not focus on my body too much, and enjoy giving my partner pleasure instead. It means the pressure is off me, and I get a lot of enjoyment and satisfaction out of making them feel good.

I think it's really good that you are getting help. Maybe talking to someone like a therapist will help too. (Particularly if you have suffered sexual abuse in the past and this could be affecting you.)

But in the meantime, don't let this problem rule your life. It doesn't have to prevent you from having a good relationship or sex life. I think many women would be understanding and supportive of your problem. Maybe the biggest challenge for you will be finding the confidence to try the dating game again, especially if you are feeling down about yourself. Perhaps this is also something you could talk to a therapist about?

thanks for the reply.

at the moment the doctor has wanted to give me blood tests and an ekg, blood tests are for any sign of diabetes as my father suffers (type 2) not too sure what the ekg is for in relation but sure all will become apparent.

as for handjobs no it usually only works when i do it but i was getting a massage one day and things went a bit further and it felt great until she squeezed too hard and killed the moment a bit, but the result was the same i still had to finish myself off

what i didnt mention on my initial post as alot of people tend to jump to the wrong idea and make alot of judgements based on what they hear from either the media or from people or there general upbringing. so here it goes.

i got bored of the dating game real quick, after numerous failed relationships i got bored of jumping through the hoops, maybe it was me sabotaging the relationships or not but i dont like to think too much into failings and try to move on.

but i now spend most of my sexual relationships in thailand. i like many other pay for the services of a lady but things work diffrent over here, its not like the seedy back streets you think of back home over here its more open, i guess for the better word everything just seems so natural.

it doesnt matter how i dress it up i know what i do isnt really right and in many peoples eyes it wont be either, but i feel so happy when im here, this is where i had my first and only ejaculation inside a woman both vaginal and oral without any assistance from myself, all i know at the moment is if this is what life has to give me then im going to smile and accept it.

steve

Hi Steve,

Normally it takes a while to discover how a partner likes to be touched. Not everyone's body responds the same way. In the Hollywood version, the first time you have sex with someone it's absolutely amazing. In reality, there's more often a lot of fumbling and guesswork. If it does feel amazing the first time, it's probably because there's been all this sexual tension building, and to finally release that tension and have sex is just so exciting. But it's unlikely a partner's going to touch you exactly the way you want to be touched (and vice-versa) straight off the bat.

So if you were in a relationship, you could tell the person giving you the handjob that they were squeezing a little too hard, and show them how you like it instead. That way it'll be closer to what you prefer next time. I always liked being shown how to please my partner, as long as it was done in a kind and sensitive way.

I'm not going to judge you because you go to Thailand. I don't think there's anything wrong with that. But it seems you are choosing sex rather than a relationship or love. And that's okay, because it's your choice.

Most people do want to love and be loved, but that doesn't mean you have to want that. Just make sure you're not choosing Thailand and sex because you're afraid of dating and intimacy. It may be the easier option now, but perhaps you would get more happiness in the long run by being in a relationship.

You probably have realised this, but one of the attractions for paying for sex is that it eliminates the chance that you'll be rejected. The woman is unlikely to make you feel bad for any sexual issues you have; you are a paying customer and it is her job to make you feel good.

I know it's hard Steve, but if you find a nice, caring woman to have a relationship with, she is also unlikely to make you feel bad for any sexual issues you have. Not because it's her job, but because she will care for you and want you to feel good about yourself. She'll probably want to help you, and learn how to help you relax and enjoy yourself more.

Another benefit of being in a relationship, it that you can explore and learn how to give you partner sexual pleasure. This means the focus is not on you all the time, which can be very liberating. You may get a lot of confidence or happiness by realising that you can please a partner despite your sexual issues.

I think you should consider talking to a professional counsellor or therapist. I wouldn't be surprised if you are carrying around unnecessary guilt or shame related to this issue. What do you think?

once again thanks for the reply.

this is the thing about thailand, my recent trip i spent 7 days with the same girl, doing the same things a normal couple would do cinema, meals, shopping e.t.c

but the diffrence was even though in the end i was paying for it, it just seemed normal i was enjoying the time with her, and i believe she was enjoying her time with me aswell, she just wasnt an object of sex as some people would treat her, maybe she was glad to be with someone who wasnt treating her like a whore and doing things she wouldnt normally do. either way understanding thai woman is like trying to solve an algebra equation chewing bubblegum.

there are a few other feeling like not feeling out of place, not feeling like im being judged by every tom dick and harry walking past, maybe ive always had a soft spot for oriental woman, maybe thats why im happier in thailand.

just like to add, there is always the chance of rejection, if i dont click with a girl i wont try and move further with the relationship i would count that as rejection when paying for sex/relationship"

but to answer your question, do i feel guilty or shame, maybe i do feel guilty/shame about travelling to another country for a relationship or what most people do day in day out, maybe the guilt is from the parents as they know what i do they know it makes me feel happy but we dont discuss it directley i still make the lies for the trip and they still accept them. maybe its saving face is the reason why we dont discuss it, but thats probally about as far as the guilt goes. i dont talk about my trips to people not due to shame but because people usually have little knowledge and go on stereotype or here say's

anyway thanks for taking the time to add some variation and if you have anymore questions, please do feel free to ask as this is probally the most in depth conversation ive had with someone about my life without feeling any pressure not to give full details.

thanks
steve

Well if you are genuinely happy taking these holidays in Thailand, I don't think there's any reason why you shouldn't continue to do so. It does sound like you are having a good time with the women there. You’re probably right; they may well appreciate the way you treat them, as there are bound to be some clients that are disrespectful and abusive towards them.

However, one problem when you pay someone is that you can never be sure how much they like you and how much they like your money. I met a young man who proposed marriage to a prostitute with an expensive diamond ring he'd got made-up especially for her. She said "No", and he was shattered. He couldn't believe it. He thought that she was in love with him, and would jump at the opportunity to marry him. Although I never met her, I suspect she was probably quite good at her job, and realised that in order to keep him coming back week after week, she needed to make him feel special and loved.

Have you ever consider moving to Thailand or another Asian country? Or could you go there for an extended break? You may like to try having a romantic relationship with a woman over there. It could have all the good aspects of your current experiences in Thailand, but also give you a greater opportunity to feel genuinely loved and accepted by a woman (for who you are, not for the contents of your wallet.)

If it turns out that a romantic relationship isn’t what you're looking for at the moment, then you can continue as you were before. But at least then you know it's a choice you've made, and that you aren’t paying for sex because you think that dating and trying to find a nice woman who will accept you is hopeless.

It’s good to talk about things sometimes. I’m sorry your family is not more understanding, and that you feel you have to lie to them.

my parents know full well what i do but it would be safe to say that neither of us are entent in speaking about it

i have contemplated moving out to asia and i am currentley taking the right steps to secure a move out there, it might not be as fast as i would like it but maybe in the next few years as in general i like asia and i enjoy travelling around asia from japan too korea, china too vietnam every place has its own history and its own way of life

i have heard alot of stories of men falling in love what essentially is a prostitute and losing alot of money, alot of people who have led a sheltered life style usually fall to what is known as white knight syndrome, the type of people who take sympathy on those which at first glance seem to be unfortunante in there situation and will fall for the seductive charm which is to extrot as much money as possible from their "client"

like you have met a young man, i have met an old man in his late 70's who goes to thailand every year, his wife had passed away suddenley after 50 years of marriage leaving him with a hole in his heart, he picks up woman not for sex but so there is someone beside him when he goes to sleep, he knows he can never replace his lost wife but for that moment and at that night to him it feels as if she is beside him, this is the story i always think of when i go to thailand .

something else has came up, recentley i have felt very happy with myself, there has been a few things that have come up but theres something else i have noticed, recentley i have been having very vivid dream, the ones where your asleep dreaming but yet they seem so real you dont know if you are dreaming or not. but they have all been about sex or what everyone would probally associate a wet dream with. but its getting to the point where in my dream before anything could advance to "intercourse" i always seem to wake up

i have no idea if this is related to my condition or just normal dreams, i have had vivd dreams before but nothing like this or this type of sexual dream, but in these dreams everything seems perfect apart from when i wake up any ideas ? or is this my sub concieous trying to tell me something as ive never really looked into the meaning of dreams.

anyway thanks for replying as im starting to enjoy this conversation now.

I'm sure a lot of prostitutes do provide comfort and companionship. Your story of the man in his 70s is a good example. I doubt the industry is as sleazy as many people would imagine.

I am glad that you are feeling better about yourself. I'm not sure what your dream could mean. Sometimes when I am troubled by an issue or simply thinking about it a lot, I have dreams that seem related. It's as if my subconscious is trying to help me work out the answer in my sleep!

You may like to post a new topic in the Living with Mental Illness forum. A lot of users stop by there (not so many read the Sexual forums); some of them may be able to relate to your dreams.