Sexually non-commital / prone to fantasy

Hi peoples!
New to this forum, looking to reply to posts I feel I can add too & find out more about myself along the way.

I've got an issue... not sure its a disorder but it is of a concern to me as it isn't normal behaviour. I want to treat as something personality based so I can just bite the bullet & think differently. If I think of it as a disorder It'l only make it harder to fight.

My particular quarry is that I only get sexual pleasure from cross-dressing & fantasy thoughts. Maintaining interest when getting intimate is hard as I don't feel the connection & after a while I stop fancying my girlfriend alltogether.
This has so far happened with three girls who I have been in a monogamous & caring relationship with.

In the past I have had OCD &, it is becoming apparent, avoidant personality disorder. These have (in the case of OCD which was chronic throughout my teens) distracted me from engaging in the usual dating scene & learning about relationships in the usual manner. Now, I get very anxious during sex or when getting intimate & when I am with a girlfriend I am always trying to mentally run away (avoidant personality?) despite the fact I am not inclined to cheat, nor am I afraid of committment.

These could be triggering my cross-dressing (I love feminity & get very turned on by it, so could I be turning myself into some sort of surrogate girlfriend by using girl's clothes?) It could also be making me want to fantasise. I fantasise about having a normal, healthy relationship & really giving myself fully to the girl.

Last year I managed to destroy my OCD beliefs & rituals over a few months. At this same time, I met a girl who I really fancied & wanted to make her happy. For the first four months I finally felt what it was like to feel sexual excitement & I tried really hard to get over my hang ups and pleasure her too. We both really enjoyed our intimacy.
Then one day I just started not to fancy her. Then all the cross dressing & such started again. Relationship ended as she felt I wasn't involved which was a fair call.

I really need to sort this issue out as I don't want to hurt anyone else. I want whoever I go out with to be happy & I want to be happy and feel totally in the moment with that person.

Any ideas, or suggestions? This could be a deeper issue or simply a case of nerves & me needing to be stronger. Either way, any correspondance would be most helpful.
Thanks!

Heya,

I do'nt usually 'buy into' the notion of deeper meanings to problems. I think that the reasons behind problems are usually quite apparent and noticeable if the pesron is just willing to do some 'self' research alongside research about various mental illnesses to see what relates to them. I've had problems like you currently have in relationships to though, and I just put it down to my very nature - i.e I'm a nervous person and it takes me a long time to feel comfortable around others. I'm guessing that this is the same for you?

How did you manage to get over your OCD by the way? OCD is my official diagnosis and it took me therapy to merely alleviate my symptoms. Also, do'nt worry too much about the cross-dressing thing - fantasies can be our little secrets, but they shouldn't worry or bother us; or make us feel ashamed of ourselves.

Kevin

Hi there Kevin,

Cheers for the reply btw,
Oh the OCD...well, after 11 years of rituals & fully believing that I had to perform them, its end was all rather sudden.
I never knew it was OCD, I had been told what OCD was back in 2004, but because I believed so heavily in the power of my rituals to stop deaths & illnesses in my family - I didn't see my behaviour as OCD.

By 2005 however, life just took a turn for the chaotic & so the first seeds of doubt came into my mind about whether I could control life, so that chipped away at the rituals' power as events took a turn for the worse. 2007 came & one night I flipped, screamed at my self & began doing the opposite to what my belief systems told me. That was the beginning of the end. By late 2008 I had begun seeing the girl I mentioned above. She'll never know it- but that finally must have brought my brain to reason; One morning at 5am I remember waking up randomly...& experiencing an emotional "goodbye" (can't describe it any other way) to the rituals & the imaginary character that had accompanied these rituals.
I fell back asleep & that was it, no more belief that I could help people or myself by doing rituals. I felt free.

Many outside influences helped me - girlfriend (though she never knew of my probs,) the therapist who told me about OCD (even though I didn't think I had it...the knowledge sunk in) & looking at forums like this.
I now know I had OCD as, from early 2009 I really looked into it & since then have seen qualified CBT councillors.

OCD can be a belief system as well as a mental way of combating bad thoughts. May I ask what are your symptoms? & what you think may be the cause? Simple questions I know, but I'm interested as I seeing that OCD is more complex then the usual "washing hands repeatedly beacuse I'm worrried of germs" example.
I would say that hitting the OCD head on-& actively doing things in direct conflict with any belief system is a great way to go, as it smashes taboos & increases you confidence that you are in control of you mind.

Next thing is write everything down & oralise your thoughts as much as possible, really helps in dragging the OCD thoughts into the open world & thus subjecting it to the cold hlight of logic & reason - which can destroy its power.

As for my fantasy/realtionship issue - the crossdressing is not ok. My imagination is taking over & I don't want that as its meaning I'm withdrawing from reality (which is also another way of slipping back into OCD thinking.) I see your point-fantasy is healthy, but when it becomes your comfort blanket its not good. I am a nervous person...but I'm also quite an extroverted person, but its just that tthat trait gets buried in a fog of doubt, confusion & anxiety.

Thanks for your comments, I did find them helpful. Hope you found what I said helpful about OCD, I could always go into more detail about ways to combat the thoughts.

Frank.

Hi Frank,

Wanted to reply to you yesterday but my computer took a poop. Read all your posts. I'm probably the opposite of Kevin, lol, I dig pretty deep (although he and I might really be digging at the same depth, but measuring it differently). Although I definitely agree that there isn't a thing wrong with cross-dressing. The problem is that it's starting to become inescapable for you.

Ya mentioned a couple of things in your posts that really stuck out to me, and they weren't the cross-dressing. It was more the issue that you see women as more free. I'm wondering if you feel that it's not acceptable or "masculine" of a guy to spend a lot of money, time and effort on style.

Also, I think you're right--there's an intimacy issue. And a control issue. Your OCD might be gone, but it still sounds like you're trying to prevent "bad" things from happening to you. ('Cause if you're a woman, then you're not "you", right?)

I think you're still very protective of yourself, just in a different form. The closer/more intimate you get, the more vulnerable you become...the more threatened you feel... And pretty soon, the person whom you originally fancied becomes a threat and not a partner.

Those are my impressions, anyway.

More later--

--Frayed

Hi Frayed,

thanks for the advice... I was quite surprised when I read the end of your post... it has struck a chord, much like an enemy torpedo strikes the magazine of an armoured cruiser. The idea of their being a control & intimacy issue feel very true, especially the part about me feeling threatened... this could be the trigger.

I''ve noticed that i am very protective over my ideas & self, as I feel almost, well...ethereal - for want of a better word - like my personality is fragile. People seem so confident & their personalities so strong that I sometimes feel mine is being constantly bombarded & re-erased on a daily basis- like a Betamax tape that keeps passing a strong electromagnet every day, the recording fades. I don't try new music, art or films unless I feel they aren't a threat. (as in I'll still keep my sense of self after exposure)

So yes..I can see how I may also perceive girls to be a threat. When they get close to me & tell me they care for me I feel... swamped, like I am being taken over, hijacked by their emotions. I have to get away to restore my sense of self, otherwise I just feel I'm being assimilated into them. Internally this makes me angry. I never show them I am angry of course, as its wonderful to have people & partners that care for you, plus I'm sure there is no ill-intent in their expression of emotions. But..I still feel fight or flight every time & I still feel swamped by them. Which kind of ruins the whole experience & the point of it.

I've never seen the threat angle applied to relationships, really I haven't analysed it from that perspective, so thanks so much for putting it in writing, as its definitely worth me looking into to see if that definitely is the root of the problem.

As for women...yes they are definitely more free to express themselves on the whole. I feel it is acceptable for men to spend money & time on grooming etc, I don't have an issue with that. I have an issue in that I feel like I could have made a better girl.
When I'm happily dating someone that feeling disappears almost completely, so maybe I have too much of an imagination that gets the better of me when I'm alone. Sometimes, I'm not sure I want to date the girl or actually be her.
Maybe its a self image issue - I'm very slightly built & don't have an especially masculine face, I'm always being mistaken for a girl despite the fact I'm 25. (I should really join an electro pop group then) Perhaps I've just embossed people perceptions onto me & it will be as simple as that to re-program me to not think that way.

I quite simply want to feel what the vast majority feel in healthy relationships - passion, a desire for that person that doesn't fluctuate every five seconds, basically feeling at ease. I'm fed up with feeling fight or flight every time & feeling overwhelmed. I'm sick of effectively faking that I am emotionally content. I try very hard with each relationship, outwardly I pay attention to details, remember dates, make presents & cards. Inwardly though I'm a bloody bomb site, wondering how the hell do I steer myself through a storm. Major outside broadcast projects in the wind & rain I can handle. Hormones & feelings I cannot.

Anywho, thanks for the reply. I'll sort all this shizzle out..eventually. Just a bummer I've lost wonderful girls along the way because I'm too bloody confused to know how to handle the feelings part. Damn it, if only relationships could be turned into a schematic diagram! I could find the fault & replace the fuses. Job done.

What are you here for if you don't mind me asking?

Hi Frank,

In the light of what you said, please don't take my advice as gospel. *Hands you some salt. Have a grain. Or two.* Only you can decide what's yours and what isn't.

I'm here for....well, let's crack open the DSM-IV, lol! I just strolled in here one day with a question and then stayed to pay it forward.

Let me know what you think in a couple of days or so. Sleep on it.

--Frayed