Looking for help with RE

I discovered this web site yesterday, and have been reading the forum with great interest for a number of hours. Thank you all for the information you have shared here. I have learned that I am not alone in my problem.

I have a couple of questions regarding RE.
How about the Viagra/Wellbutrin combination in treating RE?
Where can I find a sex therapist that uses surrogates?

My story:
I am a 47 year old male with a serous RE problem that has affected me my whole adult life. I am a pretty normal, healthy, average guy in most respects, except in this one area of my life. I am straight, but have never married. I have only had three serious girlfriends in my life. I am able to achieve and maintain an erection most of the time, but never able to orgasm with a woman.
I never really masturbated as a child, as I was never able to achieve orgasm. I guess I never really learned how. I tried various methods without success. I did have wet dreams; I guess that was my only proof that I could cum.
I first had intercourse with a girlfriend when I was about twenty years old. I always used a condom while having sex. I was very attracted to this girl, and enjoyed our sexual relationship, except I was never able to get off. We tried the basics; hand job, oral, vaginal with no success. After the first few times, I learned that she was pretty tired of my thrusting after about 20-30 minutes. I guess I blamed her. I learned to just fake an orgasm to put an end to it. We never talked about it; I broke it off with her after about six months.
I dated a few other women over the years, with pretty much the same results. I never masturbated, and seldom looked at porn. Without many options, I tried visiting a few massage parlors to see if a pro could do what I was not able to do on my own. Finally, after turning thirty years old, one of these visits paid off. I was able to achieve a happy ending for the first time. What this woman showed me was that I just took a very long time to reach orgasm.
With my secret discovered, I started masturbating to video porn like a kid with a new found toy. I was always able to get an erection, and always able to ejaculate; it just took me about an hour on most occasions. It is the same today; I masturbate to adult video’s most nights, and get off in about an hour. I have had little luck getting off while masturbating to magazines, or my imagination. I have tried abstaining for a few days, or even a few weeks at times. On my first time after abstaining, I can get off in a little less time; my record would be about twenty minutes. But, on the next occasion and every one afterward, it is back to about an hour.
My longest relationship with a woman lasted over four years during my thirties. I really loved this woman, and was very attracted to her. I almost always got an erection when I slept with her, even if we didn’t have sex. I almost always wore a condom when we had sex, and blamed that on the reason I could not get off with her. I tried abstaining from masturbating, and only have sex with her for weeks at a time, but still could not get off while with her. I blamed the condoms for lack of feeling, so we tried intercourse a few times without the condom with the same results. I went back to faking an orgasm using a condom with her, and masturbating alone to get off.
After that relationship ended I tried visiting a few sex workers. I had pretty much the same results. Next I found a private masseuse and tried working on my problem. I tried explaining my problem; she was very understanding and seemed willing to help. After a number of visits I was nearly able to achieve orgasm with her. We tried mutual masturbation on each other, her using her hands on me, me using an external vibrator on her. I found that I needed something to do, I couldn’t just lay there and let her do all the work, I needed something to concentrate on. This is the closest I have gotten to an orgasm with a woman since the first time years before.
Now at age 47, I have kind of given up on dating women. I visit a sex worker, or massage parlour occasionally, but sometimes I have trouble getting and maintaining an erection. I still never get off, but enjoy the time with beautiful women.

If you are still with me, I think after reading many of the postings here, my penis is rather insensitive/numb. Maybe the Viagra would help me with that. Maybe the Wellbutrin would help my sex drive.
I live in a small town; I don’t believe there are any sex therapists nearby. The closest ones are about an hour and a half away. I don’t know if they would be any help to me unless they had a sex surrogate to work with me.
Thanks for reading.

Hi,

Are you sure that you do'nt have a tight foreskin? That could explain much of what you've written here, if not all. Also, your best bet from this point is to see a general practitioner, as he/she will ave the relevant contacts to refer you too (such as a therapist). Really, try the GP first. I do'nt think anyone can really say what is wrong with you from a single post, but another thing you might want to look up is low testosterone, as this can contribute to delayed orgasm / RE.

Kevin

Chucky,
Thanks for the reply. I have been circumcised as a child, so that wouldn't be the problem. I wanted to post as much info here as I thought would be usefull, but it also made me feel better writing down my problem for the first time ever.
I want to have an appointment with a GP, but wasn't sure how to approach it. Reading this forum has certainly helped encourage me, I guess I could say I want to be tested for low testosterone?

talonboy,

If you intend to go to your GP, then do so soon. You could indeed mention that you 'heard' that low testosterone could be the cause, but do'nt say that you are ceratin this is what is wrong with you. Some doctors - I believe - hate it when their patients start self-diagnosing. I belive it makes them ignore what you've said, even if the self-diagnosis you've arrived at is the correct one. So, just say that you read/heard about low testosterone being linked to a low sex-drive and/or RE.

Good luck,
Kevin

Update, I have visited my GP. He suggested trying Cialis for a month to see if that made any difference. I have been taking a daily pill of Cialis for 5 days now. Thus far I have noticed I get an erection easier, and it's harder. Other than that, no real difference.

I just read about that drug and it actually does the same thing as vigra (a far as I can see...), but that it's more effective. Did you doctor mention how long yuo would be taking it?

Kevin

My doctor suggested I try it for a month, daily 5mg. I stopped taking the Cialis the other day because of the side effects, headaches, muscle ache, etc. At the same time I started a prescription drug for high cholesterol, so I wanted to see which drug was causing the side effects. I plan to talk to the doctor about options, but for now I am going see how long before the Cialis wears off. Thus far, the Cialis did nothing to change my RE; but I may need to be on it longer to notice any effect.

Update,
Taking Cialis causes side effects after about 4 days in a row, less than that, I don't notice the side effects so much. The Cialis does allow me to achieve/maintain an erection easier, but it didn't really make my penis more sensitive. It took about the same amount of time to achieve an orgasm. I returned to the Dr., he gave me a sample of Viagra. I have used the Viagra twice. I get similar results from Viagra, easier to achieve an erection, but no increase in sensitivity.

Talonboy,
I have a couple of suggestions. I suffer/suffered from RE and things are a lot better for me now. I've written about it in other posts but feel free to ask me specific questions. I don't mind repeating myself and I think it would be helpful to others.
From the limited information I read about you, it seems like taking Viagra type pills is not really addressing the issue. The erection isn't your problem it seems. And it's not the problem of most people who are having trouble with RE.
In my experience the way to understand sex is that it's mental as well as physical. From reading this board it seems the typical RE sufferer doesn't have a physical problem. I don't either. For me, if I put my hand on a woman's breast, and erection will most likely happen. The interesting thing is, looking at or touching breasts is not the easiest way for me to cum. For the record, I'm totally infatuated with breasts, and I absolutely love them, but it won't make me cum. It will feel good and I can enjoy them all day long but it just doesn't push me over the edge. On the other hand, looking at a girl's butt is a really good way for me to cum. Why? I'm not really sure, and it really doesn't matter. What matters is that I'm noticing what I really like and what gets me off.
On the "physical" side I would say that using a condom is going to severely lower the chances of ejaculation, and reading this board, I think almost all the other RE sufferers have the same experience. I couldn't cum with a condom for almost my entire life (until last year). I did it successfully last year.
In my opinion this isn't because we are just different from others or broken, I really believe it just takes practice. If I really worked at it, I think I could eventually cum using a condom almost every time. But it would take a lot of practice. Maybe a few months with a willing partner. So, when working on this problem, using a condom will probably frustrate RE sufferers.
About abstaining... my opinion is that abstaining is not addressing the issue and will show dramatically diminishing returns beyond a certain point. I mean, if you masturbate 3 times a day and then go try and have sex with your girlfriend at night on the same day, that's clearly not good because you're totally spent. But if you haven't cum for the whole week, I doubt you'd be all that much more potent after abstaining for 2 weeks. It varies from person to person, but basically just wait long enough to be at "100%". This isn't the main problem anyway so...

Back to the mental side... I mentioned that I figured out one thing (looking at the butt) that makes me cum. There are others... but you mentioned that you can orgasm watching videos but not with still images. To me that says a lot. It's very interesting and I think you should examine it more. We all have this Hollywood notion of how sex should be, but it's not true. Everyone is wired differently. People like different kinds of porn and there's a huge variety out there for a reason.
I would venture a guess and say that watching a video is more exciting for you than looking at pictures. So given that line of reasoning, I bet you there are things you do with a partner that will be much more exciting than you've been doing so far.
Sex is a sensitive and emotional issue and people associate all sorts of different feelings to it. Some feel guilty, some believe it should be done missionary style all the time, etc... But what I'm suggesting is to be a bit more open and honest to yourself about it.
For you, I think an easy thing you can do that doesn't require a partner is to go get different kinds of porn and find one that gets you to orgasm in the quickest amount of time. 1 hour is a long time. It's nothing to feel bad about... in fact it probably feels great for an hour. But I think you can get there quicker than that.
For me, in terms of porn, I'd probably say that 1 guy/ 1 girl, doing it the traditional way, is the least favorite for me. If I'm watching that, I sometimes just get totally bored. And that's OK. I react very differently to different kinds of porn. Experiment:
There's Asian porn, black porn, orgy, multiple girls, multiple guys, S&M, strip shows, fetish porn, fat women, skinny women, etc... you get the picture.

The reason I'm talking about this is because you mentioned a very specific situation where magazines don't do it for you, but videos do. So if you're suffereing from RE, then as a first step for you, is to find out what you really like. Then take it from there. It's certainly not going to solve all your problems but I really think it's a good first step. Feel free to ask specific questions.

Hope this helps.

OpenMinded.

OpenMinded,
Thanks for the thoughtful reply.
I have tried many different types of video porn, I have hundreds of movies. I enjoy single male/female anal the best I guess. I do enjoy looking at, or reading adult magazines, but I can seldom cum while looking at static pictures. I have recently discovered adult comix/comics. I enjoy reading these, I can masturbate to them, but again find it difficult to cum.
The subject of condoms, I have never been able to cum while wearing one. I have even tried masturbating a few times while wearing one with no success.
I have had sex with a woman in many different positions, I can't say one position is really much better than the next. I enjoy them all (at least the ones I have tried). One thing I have never done is have anal sex, I wonder if that would turn me on more than normal, as I enjoy watching it. Finding a sex worker that does anal might be difficult.
I have tried a third ED drug, Levitra. Like Viagra and Cialis it does help me achieve and maintain an erection, but it doesn't seem to change my penis sensitivity. It takes me about the same amount of time to cum. I am thinking about trying Wellbutren next, to see if it improves my lobeto(sp?).
Talonboy