Turned on by women, but not sex itself?

Hello everyone!

I have a pretty weird condition, and I seek advice, what this can be, and what can I do about it.

I'm a male in his 20s. I consider myself a heterosexual, because I'm not turned on by men, but my sexual desires related to women are pretty unconventional.

I recently lost my virginity to an escort. I wasn't nervous, shy or anything, but the simple act of sex with a woman didn't excite me enough to maintain an erection. We did mutual masturbation, oral sex, penetrative sex in cowgirl and missionary position, and I wasn't feeling any sexual excitement. It seemed like a simple mechanical action, more like gymnastics than anything sexual. Even penetration didn't feel like anything special, I felt the warmth and slipperyness of the vagina, but it didn't turn me on. Finally, I couldn't orgasm, even jerking myself off in front of her didn't make me erect.

When I'm alone, I have no problem with masturbation, and masturbate at least once a day with a rock hard erection, but I have unconventional fetishes and desires.

There are four things which seem to turn me on:

-Diaper fetish
-Women using the bathroom
-Women menstruating
-Women in leotards or those 80s style white lacy panties

Vanilla porn (video or pictures normal sex) doesn't turn me on. My porn is video clips of women wearing and using a diaper, using the toilet, changing used sanitary napkins or tampons, clips of women from 80s and 70s shows wearing those white lacy panties, and looking at high quality pictures of celebrities in leotards. I feel that if the panty-wearing woman in the video would remove her panties, my sexual excitement would immediately evaporate.

I never imagined myself to be so tuned onto this fetishes that it would make vanilla sex totally unsexual for me, but it seems that this is the case.

I didn't tell the escort about my fetishes, but seeing my inability to maintain an erection, she told me that I need to find true love, a woman with whom I can be emotionally in tune, and then I wouldn't have erectile problems when having sex.

From what I've read and seen on anti porn sites... (you know what is coming).... You have to lay off the fetish porn. Your brain on porn website might have a ballpark estimate of how long it would take to hopefully reset your libido. But that's probably going to be the answer you get the most.

The problem is that I think if I would deprive myself of porn, I would simply fantasize about these things instead of watching them in video or picture format.

We only got the internet when I was in my mid-teens, and I remember that the thought of wearing diapers and women using the toilet caused me to have the feeling that I would later recognize as the feeling of being turned-on even before I hit puberty and ejaculated for the first time.
Basically I was already turned on by my fetish before I started noticing girls too.

Even today, about two-thirds of my masturbation sessions are not done to actual porn, but to fantasizing about these kinds of situations or reading toilet stories written by women from fetish sites.

Well... That is unfortunately, a rather specific kind of fetish.

Unfortunately the Paraphilias forum is fixing to close, so there's no place to explore that in detail in PF, but in this thread certainly, what can be done about it? Idk. You night have to search for a woman willing to engage your fantasies. Ofc it could also be that women themselves genuinely do not interest you as much sexually, as you would like, fetish or not. You would not be the first person to be interested in your target interest (women, since you're hetero) in a general way, yet not be into having sex with other people.

Basically I never imagined that actually having sex with a woman would not turn me on.

When I was still a virgin, I always assumed that the simple fact of being with a naked woman, and seeing her vulva IRL would bring me to the brink of ejaculation, and having her grab my penis would feel like some kind of very pleasureable electric shock and I would need a huge amount a self-control not to come immediately. I was nervous about spontaneously cumming when she touched me sexually for the first time, even when I was on my way to the escort's apartment.

It was very strange that when she started giving me a handjob, it felt no different to jacking myself off, oral and penetration felt like masturbating with pre-warmed thick lube. There was no electric shock, no huge turn-on, it simply felt like as if I started masturbating and was currently not in the mood to do it.

Yeah I remember my first time vividly, but even so, it's not what gets built up in one's head. Especially,I think, with so much made of it in media and society. You think it's going to be some earth shattering experience, and for some it is, but tbh the first time I merely made out, made a bigger impression than sex itself.

I wonder is the fact she was an escort also factors in? I think it does. Personally I don't know if I could get it up knowing she was just doing it for the money. Probably, but it wouldn't have as much thrill? Don't know. First time I do it with a professional, I'll let you know

Sometimes its just best to wait til the right person comes along.

I don't know if I could ever have a meaningful, loving, romantic relationship with a woman.

I may have some personality disorders ranging from anti-social to some symptoms of asperger's syndrome, but basically I only socialize and help people because it fullfills a biological need in me.

I crave social situations, and I like helping others, but deep down I feel that I'm only doing these social things to satisfy natural desires in myself and keep my mental sanity in place so I don't end up making an imaginary friend out of a ball, like Tom Hanks in Cast Away.

My family and friends view me as a social butterfly, someone who is the life of the party, tells jokes, and gives others useful advice, but deep down, I feel that I don't do these things selflessly to benefit others, I do these things, because they make me feel good. Helping and socializing with others makes me feel good inside, isolating myself and being a jerk to others makes me feel bad, and I want to feel well, not bad.

I can relate to Bill Murray's character in the movie Groundhog Day. And I wonder, did he become a good person at the end of the movie because he somehow got that ungraspable-to-me concept of morality that most humans have, or did he simply notice that acting social and being good to others results in good feelings, and doing the opposite makes one feel bad.

I'm afraid that if I would ever be romantically involved with a woman, it wouldn't be real love, it would just be some kind of symbiosis that would provide me with free access to sex and constant human companionship.

I went to the escort out of simple curiosity. I wanted to know what sex feels like, I wanted to experience it, like tasting some kind of exotic food for the first time.

So on the outside I act sort of like a normal human being, but inside I feel that I only act like this in order to feel good.

I think you're selling yourself a little short there, mijo. I think most of us like to feel good about ourself inside, and there are some ppl who would no doubt reduce every ounce of altruism to something less noble. But I think I understand you. I sometimes wonder about myself. But I think you're less different from the bulk of ppl than you think you are.

As far as true deep, make a movie out of it, love, well.... I didn't fall head over heels for my Snagina. But I like her, love her, she's a good companion. Remember, from what I've read, the modem concept of romantic love is relatively new. For most of our history, most pairings were not fairytale stories. If you can get that, that's great, but don't underestimate the value of a compatible partner being excellent companionship. Sometimes that's what's longer lasting, in the end.

Thank you for your kind words. The biggest compliment for me is when someone considers me a normal human being. After suffering from depression and social anxiety through most of my mid- to late teens, during which I felt a great amount of isolation from society, feeling like some kind of alien, robot, or Pinocchio, who views society from an outside vantage point, the biggest form of acceptance for me is when I meet someone, we can have a normal conversation without me freaking out, withdrawing or stuttering, and the other person goes off with the impression that I'm simply another Average Joe from down the street.

You're not the only one that questions his motives. I'm ocd, particularly harm related ocd intrusive thoughts, and I also feel myself cold and calculating and am I really nice or am I just weighing cost/benefit in my head when i do something nice? But tbh I think everyone does that to an extent. Some of us more than others. And then I think some of us just analyze ourselves more. And while I like to think I'm a better person, fact is I was a very selfish child. It is what it is.

Doing good things does feel good, and I think that the fact you think that makes you feel good, says good things about your character.