Delayed Ejaculation - any advice?

Me – 53 year old very healthy. No physical problems, all tests perfect, excellent shape with good testosterone count. Was married for 22 years. Divorced for 2 years.

Have delayed ejaculation and need advice and help if you have experience here.

During my 22-year marriage I never had enough sex. I had to masturbate once or twice a week to relieve myself. However, I did not have any issues with getting erect or with ejaculating…

Towards the end I did notice that it used to take longer to ejaculate and I was never a heavy porn watcher. In addition, I can’t remember ever being able to cum from oral sex or a hand job. Most of the time I would enjoy it but needed penetration to ejaculate.

My divorce was terrible psychologically. I did request the divorce but my ex-wife is just mean and vindictive and the process has been downright hell.

Since separation I started to date women. I noticed that many times, in fact, most times I could not ejaculate. No matter how long we made love, I could not ejaculate. This may seem wonderful as I can go for almost as long as humanly possible, but it is like a curse as you never get the pleasure of cumming.

I actually went through a period where I had difficulty getting erect and keeping an erection but that is no longer an issue anymore. I have a wonderful girlfriend for 1 year. We have sex all the time and any time I want. She treats me well and makes me feel like a man.

I am relatively convinced this is a mental thing and I just don’t know what steps to take alone and with my partner to ease back into ejaculating. It is getting easier during penetration sex, but it seems we get focused on if I cum or don’t… It is really exhausting and a bummer and frustrating. I can always ejaculate from masturbating and I don’t need to squeeze really hard, watch crazy porn.. I am pretty convinced it is somehow in my head I am not letting go, and don’t know the path to do this.

Another example is that I have shy urination. What is this? Well if there are other people in the room at a public toilet for example, as hard as I may have to urinate, it won’t come out. How did I cure this? I simply convince myself that I am in the room alone when I am in the public bathroom. If my subconscious is convinced enough – it works! I am able to pee. So in that instance it is 100% in my mind. I am amazed at how this works pretty much all the time, I simply “act” that there is no one in the room and I can pee.

I am thinking that I need something like this in order to ejaculate during intercourse or oral sex or with a hand job. My girlfriend is there to help with anything that can be practiced with a couple. Any ideas of things that have worked or can work are very appreciated. Thank you.

I can always ejaculate from masturbating

- Some suggest the penis has become desensitized, stop masturbation for a month and see if that helps.

- Focus your attention of the point of contact between the penis and vagina, the point on the outer top of the shaft where it is rubbing; try to "grok" sexual curves etc; thought is the enemy of all things sexual; use the air conditioner so you don't get distracted by the heat or that sort of thing?

I'd agree with what rainbowstar wrote. The fact that you can climax from masturbating. But not from a hand job. Does suggest it's possible your cock might be over used to a particular technique / stimulation to finish.

You could also masturbate to completion once your girlfriend is satisfied. That way you're breaking the association between sex with her and not coming. [And not masturbate the rest of the month, as above.] It would also be good to let her know that although this is frustrating. This doesn't relate to her as a woman. Some people derive self esteem from turning other people on. And that means more pressure on you to "respond." But this isn't to do with her. And your climax isn't any kind of award or self esteem boost for her.

Experimenting with the mental side of things would be interesting too. Can you bring some of the thoughts you wank to. To mind while you're having sex with your girlfriend? Or are there some negative feelings around having those thoughts with someone else present?

The divorce could also be a factor. That's a hard thing to go through. And may be leaving its traces in the bedroom. But in that case, I don't know what you could do. My usual suggestion is to talk to a counsellor. I think you might have to get quite lucky to find someone helpful though.