Repressed homosexual? My girlfriend thinks so.

Hi all,
I have a very big issue I could really use some help/advice on.
I met an amazing woman while working on a cruise ship, and we continued contact for a few month over the internet. We started a long distance relationship that was really great and fulfilling. We both felt a strong connection to each other.
Recently I moved to the city she lives in to be with her, and most of our face to face contact has happened recently.
The first day together was great, and after that I noticed a very strong decline in her reactions towards me. She stopped kissing me and started getting very irritated at anything I did.
After a few talks I found out what the problem is. Now that she knows me in person, she finds me to be very feminine, something she hadn’t noticed when we met on board the ship or on video chat. This has caused her to think I might be gay. This insecurity of hers very much increased by the fact that all her friends who meet me ask her “Are you sure he’s straight?”
I’m pretty sure one of the biggest things that gives her insecurity is the fact that she has a gay friend who in order to hide his sexual preference ended up marrying a woman and tricking her for many years, and he’s told her to be careful with me because he thinks I’m in the same boat.
The biggest trigger for this was a time that we almost had sex. I initiated and we were engaging in a little bit of foreplay, and I decided not to go through with it because I didn’t want to rush things. She took this as me being afraid or being in the closet. It enhanced her earlier suspicions that I wasn’t straight, saying “I’ve never met a straight man who would have turned me down in that situation”.

We both really like each other, and she wants this to work, but she wants to be sure that one year down the road I won’t be telling her I’m gay. She’s asked me to think and meditate about it so I can tell her for sure that I’m straight.
Funny thing is, I’ve never had a crush on a guy, or anything that could possibly indicate me being gay. I’m just a more sensitive/delicate type of guy, but I’ve never had the need to doubt my sexual preference. But she seems to think I might be repressing it due to fear.
I’m 29 years old now, I lived with a woman for 5 years and have a son with her, so I’m pretty sure I would know if I were gay by now, but I somehow need to prove it to her…
The relationship is going to hell. I can understand her being scared, but if she won’t have any physical contact with me I don’t see how I can prove it.

Anyone think she may actually be on to something and I could actually be a repressed homosexual? Because I could possibly believe that if I was an extreme homophobe, but I actually have plenty of gay friends and am confident enough to make gay/girly jokes, I think if I was repressed I’d try even harder to look like a macho man.
Any suggestions would be appreciated.

From what you say, I don't think you're gay. You may be --according to your date -- a bit less masculine than other males, but doesn't make you want to become/feel/do "gay" stuff. All in all, i'd suggest you not worry at all what she, and her friends, think about you. And, i also believe, she doesn't deserve you either..

Your girlfriend has the problem not you at all.

People are different from each other, some guys are more feminine some girls are more masculine, this girl should learn to deal with it. Ok so her friend did the whole tricking a woman thing uh-huh it didn't happen to her, so kinda get over it lady.

I think you should also give her some things to think about, because so far it seems she gets to put all the doubts out there and you just juggle them. Ok fine so she thinks your are rrepressed, then ask her to think about the possibility that she has trust issues, or that she may not be into you and is just stringing you along. In any case, relationships don't come with a warranty, stop doubting yourself cause as you say you are sure you've never held a gay thought ever. This smacks me of the pray away the gay thing only in reverse.

Brace youself cause i think she just might not be into you and doesn't have the guts to say it, anyhoodle you can better determine that.

Don't mess yourself up over this, I know your relationship is important to you since you're even asking about it on here, but I get this feeling it's not really all that good or solid.

Disclaimer, I suck at relationships and am a quitter when it comes to them, just fyi.

I hope there is something usefull in my comment for you.

Trust can not be built in a minute, one month, etc. It is taking years to be sure that we can trust our partner - specially nowadays. I understand that she is concern about your sexuality, because of her friends opinion. Probably, she is the person who counts with others opinion. It is not right thing to do in life and I am sure that she is aware of it, but sometimes it is difficult to push it away. Therefore, you should just be a man. If you started to having intimate contact with her, then why you didn't finish it? (no rush things - yep, it is understandable). But if the girl agrees for sex, then go for it, even if it seems for you to be 'too fast'. We are not talking here about couple who just know each other one day - you are in relantionship, she wants you, she loves you and she wants to trust - make her believe in you, by acting as self-confident and not shy (who is taking things slowly for not being hurt or what?).

I wish you good luck and don't give up on her, even if she doesn't trust you know. Become her friend as well, or even better friend than she has now. From experience I know, that girl friends for girls are the worst thing for the women when she has boyfriend - they are never right : )

Its great when you meet someone and it clicks as much as you two.

Even if you were a repressed homosexual, wich is not the case according to you, its still okay to engage in any sexual relationship that feels good to you.

She shouldn't feel devalued because you did not want to take things further on that "premature" encounter. It should ONLY keep her appetite open, as long as it happens within a reasonable and comfortable amount of time for you.


I get the impression that she the one with repressed homosexual feelings.

I think that a 29-year-old man knows whether he's gay or not, especially with his history of a heterosexual relationship which produced a child. Your girlfriend's suspicions need to be tempered with some trust and common sense.

I am not the most "he-man" of men. I am not a he-man at all. I'm have a somewhat feminine body shape. I'm not athletic at all, partly because of my small stature but mostly because of disinclination. I hated p.e. and team sports in school. I get along a lot better with women than men. I think that the world would be a better place if "real men" stopped sleeping around, spitting and swearing in public, and spending time in pubs. And guess what — my heterosexual wife of almost 40s years was first attracted to my feminine qualities (after, I should add, I became a seriously wounded Vietnam War combat veteran; there aren't many wimps in the Marines, but there certainly are men — good men — with feminine qualities which make them excellent leaders!).

Other

I agree with myotherlife . And... She sounds immature. I would like a partner who is non biased.
Her words to you and disclosure to her friends is soon than later a trust issue. Then it will not matter what sex you like. No trust no anything ..be careful.

Aw just tell her you're one of them Male Lesbians... J/k from what I remember of that terminology you don't qualify, you don't sound as if you're particularly shy around women.

“I’ve never met a straight man who would have turned me down in that situation”.

All sorts of snide retorts are popping into my head, mainly Well sorry I'm not a slut...

Might be interesting to sit down with her and take something like the BBC brain sex rest together. Be funny if she scored less than hundred percent female hey, maybe you're a lesbian.... I don't know what to tell you. Sound to me, too, like she's decided you're not her type but she won't say so.

Sounds to me like you are pretty sure you are not gay. And that's enough. Things that are repressed only tend to stay repressed because people pay no attention to them and it seems as though you have paid plenty of attention to this matter.
You don't need to be less camp or feminine; as you said, she already likes you as you are. What you need to do is counter her fear with reassurance. People's minds always tend towards fear, it's a survival mechanism. Tell her you find her attractive and be physical with her.
Don't stress too much about being wrong.. noone has perfect knowledge of themselves or the future. The fact that you are on this forum shows that you are concerned enough about her future to have considered this deeply. The worst thing would be for the relationship to dismantle and die due to some misunderstanding.
It is a bit peculiar that her gay friend thinks you are gay though. I've never heard of a faulty gaydar, but hey, I'm not a gaydar tester or anything...

On a personal note, I once thought that maybe I had repressed homosexual tendencies after the two or three times I'd been transfixed by the beauty of a guy (I was generally high on some drug as well, to compound matters). Turns out not at all, I can appreciate beauty in the few males that exhibit it, but only females turn me on.