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Hocd or gay denial???

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Hocd or gay denial???

Postby AztecYank » Mon Oct 31, 2016 1:09 pm

I'am an 27 old male who is questioning his sexuality for 2 years now. This started after an drunk/traumatic shemale encounter in a big City. (I'm diagnosed with hOCD and PTSD from it.)
It is on my mind constantly, i did not know that a human being could feel so much regret in their life.

I never had any urge or plan to visit one, what make it more terrible.

Anyway,

What make it worse is:

-I only had a handfull sexual experiences with one girl, and all were ED related. Wich make me very sad.

-Since my 18th, when i decided to put a finger in my ass, i had occacionally gay fantasies while masturbating. Never thought anything from it. Because in real life i never felt anything (romantic and sexually) for men. I played football for years, saw thousands naked man but never felt anything.
The fantasie never went further than de idea of getting ###$.

-Fantasies about woman are never the models, but always older woman (milf)

-Since two years its almost impossible to MO to a girl, while i get very aroused by the idea of getting dominated by an anonymous male/shemale. Any particular male is really off- putting and not aroused at all.. See, an complete ###$. (penis fetish)

-I never had a girlfriend. Even i always(!) dreamed about it, wich created often an erection. Had lots of crushes.

-IRL i still dont have any desire or attraction to men, while my attraction to girls is completeley shot.

-I always had an erection during kissing with a girl, since my trauma its barely.

-My last encounter with a girl was also ED - related and left me in shock. (i cried after leaving). While i was 100% erect till entering the room.


I feel totally different in comparison before the shemale encounter.
I dont know what to do, i already seeing a therapist. He told me stop checking!!! But its so difficult, altough it gets better slightly. I just want my life and desire for girls back. (i even questioning now if the desire for girls was real back then)


Can anyone offer me advice? Feel so lost.
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Re: Hocd or gay denial???

Postby AztecYank » Mon Nov 07, 2016 1:02 pm

Please i'm desperate!
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Re: Hocd or gay denial???

Postby mrtrapped » Mon Sep 03, 2018 2:39 am

I think I'm in the same boat, I started to repressive my homosexual feelings and that turned into projection onto women as objects or repretations of me being dominated by a big one. Now that I'm starting to come off that I find myself having urges and compulsions to act out like a female like I have no control and I feel like it is triggered when I try and have a relationship with a female because I have had truamatic experience s with them and find them hard to connect to emotionally. I don't know what to do really apart of me at this point in my life is just about to give in, but when ever I do I feel myself becoming this uncontrollable slut like girl and it scares me shitless to feel like I literally have no control so something is off here. Idfk maybe if there was a safe environment to feel these things and act out I feel maybe I could start to gain control back of my life. I highly suggest that you find a physical activity to do regularly ( if seeing good looking men is your trigger maybe do something that you can do in your apartment. ) Idk man it's super ###$ up. Did you have any traumatic things happen? I think those feelings of wanting to be dominated come from some kind of emotional abuse or event that made you feel good but also bad like maybe in a situation where a male who you admired molested you or something but you still had affections for them it can be confusing. I hope you're feeling better that's all I can say. I think me writing these posts sometimes take a lot out of me but I think other ppl need to know that they're not alone. If you have any questions specific just ask. The first thing you should establish is a safe location or space for yourself to just exisit in.
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