Hocd or gay denial???

I'am an 27 old male who is questioning his sexuality for 2 years now. This started after an drunk/traumatic shemale encounter in a big City. (I'm diagnosed with hOCD and PTSD from it.)
It is on my mind constantly, i did not know that a human being could feel so much regret in their life.

I never had any urge or plan to visit one, what make it more terrible.

Anyway,

What make it worse is:

-I only had a handfull sexual experiences with one girl, and all were ED related. Wich make me very sad.

-Since my 18th, when i decided to put a finger in my ass, i had occacionally gay fantasies while masturbating. Never thought anything from it. Because in real life i never felt anything (romantic and sexually) for men. I played football for years, saw thousands naked man but never felt anything.
The fantasie never went further than de idea of getting ###$.

-Fantasies about woman are never the models, but always older woman (milf)

-Since two years its almost impossible to MO to a girl, while i get very aroused by the idea of getting dominated by an anonymous male/shemale. Any particular male is really off- putting and not aroused at all.. See, an complete ###$. (penis fetish)

-I never had a girlfriend. Even i always(!) dreamed about it, wich created often an erection. Had lots of crushes.

-IRL i still dont have any desire or attraction to men, while my attraction to girls is completeley shot.

-I always had an erection during kissing with a girl, since my trauma its barely.

-My last encounter with a girl was also ED - related and left me in shock. (i cried after leaving). While i was 100% erect till entering the room.


I feel totally different in comparison before the shemale encounter.
I dont know what to do, i already seeing a therapist. He told me stop checking!!! But its so difficult, altough it gets better slightly. I just want my life and desire for girls back. (i even questioning now if the desire for girls was real back then)


Can anyone offer me advice? Feel so lost.

Please i'm desperate!

I think I'm in the same boat, I started to repressive my homosexual feelings and that turned into projection onto women as objects or repretations of me being dominated by a big one. Now that I'm starting to come off that I find myself having urges and compulsions to act out like a female like I have no control and I feel like it is triggered when I try and have a relationship with a female because I have had truamatic experience s with them and find them hard to connect to emotionally. I don't know what to do really apart of me at this point in my life is just about to give in, but when ever I do I feel myself becoming this uncontrollable slut like girl and it scares me shitless to feel like I literally have no control so something is off here. Idfk maybe if there was a safe environment to feel these things and act out I feel maybe I could start to gain control back of my life. I highly suggest that you find a physical activity to do regularly ( if seeing good looking men is your trigger maybe do something that you can do in your apartment. ) Idk man it's super ###$ up. Did you have any traumatic things happen? I think those feelings of wanting to be dominated come from some kind of emotional abuse or event that made you feel good but also bad like maybe in a situation where a male who you admired molested you or something but you still had affections for them it can be confusing. I hope you're feeling better that's all I can say. I think me writing these posts sometimes take a lot out of me but I think other ppl need to know that they're not alone. If you have any questions specific just ask. The first thing you should establish is a safe location or space for yourself to just exisit in.