I'am an 27 old male who is questioning his sexuality for 2 years now. This started after an drunk/traumatic shemale encounter in a big City. (I'm diagnosed with hOCD and PTSD from it.)
It is on my mind constantly, i did not know that a human being could feel so much regret in their life.
I never had any urge or plan to visit one, what make it more terrible.
Anyway,
What make it worse is:
-I only had a handfull sexual experiences with one girl, and all were ED related. Wich make me very sad.
-Since my 18th, when i decided to put a finger in my ass, i had occacionally gay fantasies while masturbating. Never thought anything from it. Because in real life i never felt anything (romantic and sexually) for men. I played football for years, saw thousands naked man but never felt anything.
The fantasie never went further than de idea of getting ###$.
-Fantasies about woman are never the models, but always older woman (milf)
-Since two years its almost impossible to MO to a girl, while i get very aroused by the idea of getting dominated by an anonymous male/shemale. Any particular male is really off- putting and not aroused at all.. See, an complete ###$. (penis fetish)
-I never had a girlfriend. Even i always(!) dreamed about it, wich created often an erection. Had lots of crushes.
-IRL i still dont have any desire or attraction to men, while my attraction to girls is completeley shot.
-I always had an erection during kissing with a girl, since my trauma its barely.
-My last encounter with a girl was also ED - related and left me in shock. (i cried after leaving). While i was 100% erect till entering the room.
I feel totally different in comparison before the shemale encounter.
I dont know what to do, i already seeing a therapist. He told me stop checking!!! But its so difficult, altough it gets better slightly. I just want my life and desire for girls back. (i even questioning now if the desire for girls was real back then)
Can anyone offer me advice? Feel so lost.