Swinger Sites can also be enabling sex addicts

I am not a swinger but have this to say:

Swinging is not hurting your partner.

Swinging is not hiding or lying to your partner.

Swinging is not cheating.

So in essence the concept of swinging is for couples, married or in a relationship where both are involved or consent and for single people. However swinging sites are also a stepping stone and enabling sex addicts to satisfy their sexual addiction and worse still, guaranteed by the hundreds of people on these sites that are willing to take part.

I say this because recently I found out that my partner, who I love with all my heart and soul, is a sex addict and has several profiles on swinging sites. I knew something was not right and although he has hidden this from me for 2 years and lied to me enabled by the fact that he travels frequently with his work has helped his deception and my ignorance.
Two months ago, whilst away travelling with work, he accidentally included me in an email meant for another woman by mistake, it was short, just sending her a link about female ejaculation. This started the roller coaster ride from hell. Long story short and how on earth I ended up on a swinger site I don't know, but I followed my instincts and searched swinger sites and when I found the one I was certain I had found him I myself registered with the same site to enable seeing his photos and certainty. I was devastated at what I saw. One profile portraying himself as a single male in all his naked glory and a list of women as his FB "###$ Buddies". More devastating still was to also find that he was also profiled with another woman as a couple for the past 8 months. He started this whilst in a relationship with me. This woman was the one he sent the email to. I had her name from her email and found her on Facebook to find out she is married. They portrayed their sexual encounters with explicit photos, of themselves and also with many other couples, most of them married and unaware they were not a couple and actually cheating and lying and hurting their partners. The photos I saw broke me. One thing is finding out, it is another thing to see him with different women, in orgies and also not practicing safe sex. Another big problem.

Addressing myself to him, I sent a message on their swinger profile commenting on the photos and a very sad comment too, I was devastated and he was away from me at that time. The message had been read and was deleted, I was then blocked. I confronted him the following day over the phone and he denied having seen the message or blocking me, he also admitted to me that he is a sex addict and has been for over 20 years and that she too is a sex addict, and just as "###$ up" as he was, but that her husband knew about it. That is was meaningless sex, unemotional and just sex. He cried, was ashamed and said he needed help and has tried before but nothing works. He had stopped when we met and wanted to be a better man, that I was the first woman to ever make him feel "normal" that I am the love of his life and his best friend and doesn't want to lose me, that he wants to be worthy of me. He also said there was something wrong with him and wanted to change.

Based on the fact that he denied having seen the message I had sent and that I had been blocked I believed, (my heartbreak made me blind) that she called the shots so I sent her an email where amongst many things I told her to shut the profile down or her husband would find out about her sexual escapades with different men and also with women as the photos clearly depicted. I included my partner in the email as well as I have nothing to hide.

He called me up immediately, that she was a mess because her husband did not know and that he deserved all the bad things that would happen to him if he found out including also losing me. Their profile was shut down. BUT I have now found out that he also had at the same time and still has for the past 4 months another profile with another woman, a single woman in her 40's, in a different city, this time pretending to be a married couple.

Of course he categorically denies this. But I have the proof and he doesn't know it. Maybe I am hoping he will stop lying He once told me that being coupled in swinging sites is easier. What does that actually mean?? I have my own theory but the issue here is that sex addicts males and females can feed their addiction on these sites, pretend to be married and have sex with genuine married couples that do not hurt each other and that put their trust in these cheaters/sex addicts that portray themselves as the same.

I will add that during our relationship he did share many fantasies with me and I went along with them, dressed up, played games etc. and our sex life was amazing. He also kept insinuating that I should try being with a woman, that that would be the best gift I could give him and he also mentioned going to swingers clubs, that we should try it out etc. However, even though I tried to please him with his fantasies, over the phone sex, webcam etc. as his girlfriend when he was away and spend hours and hours on the phone and sending naughty photos of myself and naughty texts too, he knew I would not go as far as swinging, I do not need to, I was happy just being with him.

We are still friends because there is genuine love and compassion, we spend time together, cuddle up together like best friends, talk on the phone for hours, go on holiday together, concerts etc. but I will not allow sex between us, not whilst he continues having orgies and sex with others and not until he WANTS to get help, if EVER? In the meantime I am learning unconditional love and to be happy without being intimate with him and that is hard. SEXUAL ADDICTION is a very sad sad addiction and breaks lives.

Your title says it all. I'm sorry for your hurt.
I always thought that the term was supposed to be 'swinging singles' and if you are married, it is cheating.
I do hope that you can find support here or those living co-dependently with an addict. Just talking and finding strength together with others going through the same issue may help. Until he can be honest, the healing probably won't begin and won't even be sincere.
Would some ultimatum (not a threat) coerce him into treatment? Best of luck to you.

Hello, I am new to this sight and read your posting, and WOW!!! I feel your pain my husband is a sex addict and after 14 yrs I have just come to realize this and we are seeking a psychotherapist at 250.00 cad for 90 min. sessions ... I am also living with lies, deceit , betrayal etc and we too also love each other and he says he wants no one else just me... yet he keeps secrets and is always looking to hook up or flirt with others ... in the beginning before I come to realize he suffered with sex addiction he would lead women on online groups chats FB etc and had many women believe in him and his lies... after 13.5 yrs it seems he has stopped with the women and are only carrying on with the males, He is a bisexual and was sodomized at a young age by an uncle and does suffer with PTSD for many reasons, bad upbringing etc... he has changed alot and has become a better man or so it would seem to his family and any relatives or past friends that knew of him prior to meeting me... But he has a secret and that is he is bisexual and seeks out males for rendevous , he is a long haul truck now for the past 10 yrs and gives him much opportunity to do as he likes... I have found condoms he has bought, read texts from other hook ups and heard all his denial and lies, he has been on a gay website for hookups and led me to believe for yrs he was only watching the videos and was basically fantazing but not meeting anyone... I have lived also a life of pure hurt, anger, frustration,etc... I can't afford to leave him he is my sole income provider , we have accomplished a lot in what we have today which neither of us had before, such as a house for one... I can't leave him so I have to live with this and I am so hurt and try to believe in him but I know he lies and is only trying to keep me around but wants his sex with men as I cannot give him what they can as he has told me, he says he wants help , he knows it is a problem thus why we are seeing this therapist BUT he is lying ... he has a work book he should be doing daily and doesnt , he doesnt always have the time to while trucking and being tired at night... our apts are every 2-3 weeks we only started 4 apts ago and had to cancel this last one due to his job change and pay not coming in yet... every time i try to trust in him I find more evidence he is still up to his bad habits...I have told him there will also be no sex between us as I cannot trust him and dont want to catch anything.There is so much more I could go on about but a bit at a time I guess... I need support and maybe we can support eachother. I hope this group will be beneficial to me.

BrokenWings11and Angryhurtanddefeated,

I have been a porn and sex addict for some time. In the process of it all I have destroyed every relationship I have been in. As addicts, much of the time we can justify the behaviors we do and will act them out. There is no excuse for the way we act and because deep down inside we know that it is negative behavior we will hide all aspects and share with nobody just to avoid the shame. Again, I am not trying to negate the issue. We as addicts must learn to take responsibility for our actions and the consequences that follow.

I have a few things to say for the ones who have found themselves living with sex addicts. Understand that it is not your responsibility to ensure we are doing all the right things. As an addict, nobody is responsible for my actions except for me. Second, before you lose yourself, you have to understand what is the bottom line for you. Please note, I am not suggesting you leave your significant other, however if you take it upon yourself the responsibility to fix everything then you will enable the addict to continue the behaviors. Dig deep inside yourself and fully understand what line cannot be crossed. Then formulate a plan and goal for yourself of what actions you can do if that line is crossed. My wife kept trying to fix me and would tell herself that if only she had this or that or did this or that then things would work. I only kept pushing the line until the day came that I recognized i had gone to far and that I was hurting myself and my wife.

Addiction is funny that way. No amount of care will amount to us stopping. Support can, but it must be the right kind of support. Any support that allows us to see ourselves as out of control, powerless, and not responsible, will only enable us to continue. Just remember, understand that you are not at fault, there is not something wrong with you, and always remember to love yourself for who you are and make decisions accordingly. I hope this helps some and please if you have anymore questions I can easily share my experiences.