Self-Esteem And Guilt

Hello I`m brand new to this forum and I suffer from Bipolar Disorder, OCD, Social Anxiety, Eating Disorder, and I sometimes Self-Injure.

I am 19 years old and as far back as I remember I remember feeling ashamed of myself and figured something was wrong with me because I felt so out of place. All through out my school years I have been painfully shy and made only a few friends. I usually could stand up for myself when I did get picked on so they usually left me alone, except for boys, they loved to torment me. By the time I was in 7th grade I hated myself to the point that I was suicidal and so depressed I barely talked. I never looked anyone in the eye and I avoided the faces of others for fear they would talk about me.

When I got to junior high I began making friends with the rough crowd and experimented with drugs and witch craft, ran away from home, attempted suicide, cut myself and so on. I was always backstabbed and hurt by these people who seemed to only pretend to be my friend and then they would leave out the "nerdy girl" which was me because I wasnt goth or punk, just a preppy dressed nerd. I had an ex best friend who also did some horriable things to me and its a long story so I will leave it here.

My mother was never very strict with me, she pretty much let me do my own thing and by the time I was nine years old I was left home alone all day with all responsibility for the apartment we lived in. I gave up toys at this age and went to cleaning and cooking and doing adult things. In my teenager and preteen years we had quite a few cat fights, when I got older and someone hit me I began fighting back. So yeah I'm a terriable daughter.

As a child I was a bit hyper as a child and I couldn't calm down when asked and I wouldn't listen when I was supposed. I pretty much stuck to myself as a child and didnt get in a lot of trouble but it seemed everything I said and did got on someones nerves and I was in trouble. My OCD began to take hold when I was a kid and I would repeat words over and over until I was blue in the face and someone was really pissed off, I could even keep bringing up the same words for months and I just couldnt stop, and I still cant. I might have seemed like a mischievous child because I got into everything and moved it around but the truth was it was OCD and someone was always mad at me for moving or throwing things away and I couldnt stop myself. I dont blame anyone for being hard on me for it, it was annoying even for me.

My grandmother was the one who was always hard on me, she would tell me I was a child from satan, rotten, selfish, and she would critize me about anything and she said children should be seen and not heard so she would get mad when I talked back. When she wasn't using words she was hitting me with a paddle, belt, yard, broom or paint stick. Then she would make me stay in my room the rest of the day without dinner. I would scream and cry and after she was done hitting me she would ignore me.

I was also sexually abused before I was five years old by my mother's ex boyfriend, he molested me and made me keep "the secret" and I kept it until my mother left him when I was six because I felt close to him and didnt want to be a bad girl and betray him and risk getting in huge trouble. He would even bribe me with things like candy or toys to touch him and not tell. I remember even saying "NO" many times but I gave in and let him even though I hated it and it didnt feel right.

Well the whole point is I have made and had a lot of mistake happen to me. I do have great support from internet friends from forums like these but in real life I am alone and I live in my own inner hurt and sometimes I take it out on myself by cutting. I find myself being afraid of food and guilty everytime I eat because I feel like I have control when I don't eat and make myself sick when I do, even though I avoid purging because it's so bad, I do slip sometimes. I have a strong desire for perfection and the need to be better.

My bipolar makes me have crappy mood swings and impulsives where sometimes my anger can come out indirectly at someone like my mother when she bothers me at the wrong time I snap. Then I have the impulsive to harm myself when things are too overwhelming and I have too many emotions inside.

I try my damn hardest to be good to others and not be a manipulative, messed up, self-absorbed person. I make sure all the damn chores around here are done, I try to make the house look as nice as I can make it, I make my mother's dinner and offer to run errands, when I had money I bought her a lot of clothes and I even bought her furniture. I`m not even close to her, I dont remember the last time I said "I love you" and I dont feel comfortable saying it. We show affection by doing things for each other (she buys me cool stuff and lots of clothes) and do work for her, and we tease and joke around a lot. I still think I am bad daughter.

I have a hardtime in school, I procrastinate a lot and I get really bad anxiety with tests and mess them up, I do try and I study and it makes me feel like a complete failure and I my biggest fear is not finishing school and being a worthless nobody. Nothing for me ever seems to be enough, I`m negative and I find myself throwing hate at my face over stupid things and I over react all the time. I feel like the things I say and do might be wrong, sometimes, I just wish I could be more comfortable with myself. I have made a little progress thanks to some support , medication and therapy but I have a really long way to go.

You can treat social anxiety, it's not very difficult. You need to exposure your self on social interaction that causes you anxiety and work on getting rid of the unpleasant thoughts that other people critisize our actions (often called cognitive therapy). Some help from a qualified therapist can be helpful and there are various drugs that help.

Also, you will finish school, keep studying, keep doing the courseworks and ask help from other students or the professors whenever you feel that you didn't understand important points of the lessons. You shouldn't be that negative, try to appreciate yourself. Make a list of the things that you like about yourself. Being good to others is nice, just bear in mind that you are not supposed to satisfy and be liked by everybody, just a normal amount of people (I believe that this is a common trait in social anxiety). Choose to be with persons that you feel that they like you and have common interests with you.

A nice idea is to use the other forums for information and advice on the bipolar disorder and about your other concerns as you did with the anorexia.

I know how you feel. I self-injured for a long time. I did it because I always felt I did something wrong, but felt I was not being punished for it. Like it was non-specific guilt. Mostly from public schools, who nit-pick students like it's going out of style.

I also had undiagnosed OCD and depressive disorder. I could go on a rant about how obvious it was I depressed in high school, and how nobody there even bothered to help me or suggest I might be depressed. I think I'll just say, I was a Goth in high school. You can't be more obviously depressed, than being a Goth.

I also understand from research that eating disorders are a form of self punishment in some cases, stemming from feeling non-specific guilt.

I read a book in high school, which unfortunetly is currently not being published. It's called Goodbye, Paper Doll by Ayn Rynd. It's about a girl with Anorexia, and how she lives. I was almost reading about some of the things in the book. I also saw alot of myself in the girl with Anorexia.

I now am on Zoloft and am mentally healthy. Or as mentally healthy as someone with morbid interests, and likes horror movies can be.

Feel free to im me anytime you want to talk. I'm very admant about how society pressures women to feel fat, when they're at a normal weight. I know that Anorexia is usually due more to mental problems, rather than outside pressure to be thin. Sometimes it can come as a result of pressure to be thin though. I am certainly tired of living in a country, that tells me I'm sick and I'll die because I'm not 100 pounds and under.

I hope you know, you don't take that to offense. I mean the weight in a general sense. I don't even really know how small one has to be to fit into a size 0. It's just the idea, that people are treating the overweight with such prejudice. It's like a hate crime, that people go out and think it's alright to call someone fat. Now the news keeps telling us, we'll die..so we get the same people who called us fat, now telling us we're going to die unless we loose some weight.

I mean, I could possibly become Anorexic if I didn't have the support from my family that I do. Also it helps that a majority of people in my family are overweight, and understand what it's like. I just am sick of hating myself for gaining a pound. I was going to try jumping rope, but to be honest keep thinking "Oh right, that's funny a fat girl's blubber bouncing around". You know..this is me telling myself that. It's creepy.

Anyways, sorry to go off on a tangent. My point is though that there shouldn't be stigma towards weight issues at all. I know alot of overweight people out of resentment, will be hurtful towards thin people in a defensive sense. Assuming they'll just make fun of them, so why not get in the first shot. However, I also know that doesn't make it right.

I have been working alot since high school, after being teased by the thin popular girls, to not hate all thin pretty girls. So far I'm doing well. I fear men though, I figure someone will assume I'm overweight so I must have no self-esteem, and will try and take advantage of me. Or even more so my sister, who unlike me, doesn't stand up for herself. If any guy messed with me, I would give a good try at kicking his a**.

So feel free to drop me an e-mail or im me.

Hello, Kathy!

I am sorry you are in such pain - you have a Lot to deal with.
I can identify with the pain.

I believe you mentioned not being able to sit still as a child, and of later procrastination....These are common to people with AD/HD.
I recently had myself evaluated for it - turns out I do have it. Have you considered that you might have it? If so, there is a lot of interesting literature about - I'm reading Sari Solden's book which zero's in on Women who have ADD.
Women with ADD have problems unique to themselves.

I hope you feel better today, and I am glad you keep in touch with this supportive resource. I'll look forward to reading your posts.

Thanx for "listening",

offbeatgrl53

Please, allow yourself to be hurt! Look at all the @!#$@#$& you had to put up with growing up! No wonder you have some difficulty now and pain. It seems like you are trying to be a good person and doing the best you can. That is good. Take it day by day. Remember, you were hurt and wronged in a way that no child should be, in several ways. Of course you will feel different and pain. If you were raised in a loving environment you would feel different. Cut yourself some slack! Be your own parent now, kind and loving...what you've always deserved.....

I wish you the best
from one who also struggles with life
when growing up unloved.