Hi, I'm new and have poor self esteem

How's that for an introduction? I think I'm doing all the right things - going to therapy, taking my meds (depression, anxiety, and PTSD), doing yoga, and cultivating a hobby/business thing. I'm approaching my third anniversary of continuous sobriety, a miracle in itself.

My self care isn't so great sometimes. I don't like to look at myself in the mirror. I'm highly self critical, and beat myself up with a great big figurative stick at every opportunity. I just don't ever believe any of the "good" stuff about myself.

That's it. I'm just saying hello, really. I'm a refugee from another online forum that will remain unnamed. Nice to meet you.

CS

I used to hate myself because of what people thought of me. I was always told I was ugly, fat, and basically, a piece of sh**.

I was fat most of my life, starting in 2nd grade.

I lost 100 lbs, and my self-esteem was boosted, only to be tore down again by a gal who did not want to go out on another date (first was a blind date)

I was really low, in the Summer of 1982, and very depressed, my dog died, my friends starting giving me sh**, and I was at a very low point.

To make a long story short, I've wised up since then.

I decided that whatever others think of me is not important, but what I thought of myself.

I thought of a saying:

"I am as good as anyone else, and if they don't like me they can kiss my ass"

You have to love yourself, no matter what anyone else says. You have to live with yourself, not them.

I know, it's hard, but you have to work hard at something you want. And if you have a high self-esteem, others will see it and may want to be around you. But don't ever, EVER base your value on other's opinions.

you are great, and that is that!!!! (it's not my opinion, but it's a fact)

I just wish I ever believed that I was worth believing in - I read daily affirmations ("yeah, right!"), I meditate, and everything is just sooo precarious. I have my good moments, but, for the most part, I am down down down on myself. Like I picked up on the negative messages from when I was very, very young, and internalized them extremely well.

It seems insurmountable, to try to build up a whole, entire person from the tattered bits that are (is?) myself. My therapist's message to me is a constant "be gentle with yourself", but I'm pretty unrelenting. Where is this loathsomeness coming from?

I used to hide it pretty handily in a bottle of gin but I don't do that any more.

How do you cultivate this love of self, then?

CS

It's like self-brainwashing. You have to stop telling yourself you are a terrible person, but say over and over just the opposite.

Say it over and over, write it down, over and over, and eventually, you will start to believe it.

That's the reason we have low self esteem, negative thoughts.

We may think the thoughts are reality, and to us, they are, but you can make your own reality. Ever have a dream you can fly? I did.

In the dream, it was real, but when I woke up, I realized it was just a dream. But it seemed so real.

make your own reality, love yourself. Hating yourself will only make your life miserable, but loving yourself will make it seem better.

Cheer up girl, don't think like that, people tell good stuff to you because it's true. Don't put yourself down. Live life to the fullest

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Ah. I read your article and noted this bit: "it is best if you can do this exercise with someone who loves and supports you"

One of the worst parts about having poor self esteem is how isolated it has made me. I don't have such a person in my life - apart from my therapist, and I wouldn't describe her as "loving" me. No - I pay her a fee to show me how to best fix myself. I wouldn't ask my DH to do this exercise with me, as he doesn't comprehend how poor my self esteem is and how crippling it is to me - I'm utterly embarrassed to even bring it up with him. He says I'm beautiful and he loves me - and all I can wonder to myself is - how can this be possible? When will he see the ugly truth about me?

Perhaps some of this is depression talking, but the self esteem issues have been a constant underlying problem for all my adult life.

Once again there are pat answers offered for a complex issue. When you have isolated yourself to the degree where you don't have someone with whom you can comfortably discuss these subjects with, you feel even worse than before you read the article.

That's where I am today, anyways.

CS

I'm sorry the article upset you, that certainly wasn't my intention.

But have you noticed that you have zoned in on something you feel you CAN'T do from the article rather than focussing on the other things you COULD do?

I'm not sure on who your DH is? but if he is telling you he loves you and thinks you are beautiful that's a good place to start don't you think?

When you say "when will he see the ugly truth about me" that is your inner critic/depression talking. I wonder if he feels that he wants you to see the beautiful lovable person he sees?

No, I'm only trying to point out that pat answers to poor self esteem - like, find someone who loves you to do this exercise with - is like rubbing salt in the wound. I wouldn't be posting here if I wasn't having problems, you know! I certainly wasn't dismissing your article completely. But I found the premise problematic because when you have such poor self esteem, you don't believe that someone else can find you worthy of loving - so how can you even start?

And DH = Dear Husband.

CS

I know it's hard but trust your husband means what he says about you. even if you don't always believe fully the nice things he says to you make a note of them. You can then add to this any other positive things you know about yourself or that others say to you.

It's taken a long time for your self esteem to get this bad and from earlier posts it was instilled while you were young?
It feels like you have a mountain to climb and that can be off putting but small steps in the right direction will get you where you want to go in the end.