Why do I never feel like I'm good enough when I should?

Hey everybody, I have some sort of self esteem problem. It seems like no matter what happens to me, I always feel like I'm not good enough. I feel like I've achieved pretty much everything I can and expected for my age (I'm going off to college soon). I got into the college of my dreams, I win at the sports I play, I feel like I'm really good at talking to people and I even think that I look pretty attractive. But yet, no matter what happens to me, whether its good or bad, at the end of the day I still feel bad about myself, and I feel like I'm never going to be happy with myself. Does anybody have any advice or know what I should do?

You do have to be content with yourself. That way you will be happier and better prepared to face difficulties at life (and better and your college and job). If you are not, you can still do well, but it will be harder and probably not that good, you will be more prone to have your rights violated, you will be unhappy and you may make others unhappy too.

You achieved pretty much everything about your age? You may mean pretty much everything you wanted to achieve? If you do compare yourself with others, that makes me believe that you do indeed have self esteem issues.

BUT. If you simply compare yourself to yourself, you may have reached a level of "death". You then need to set new goals and satisfy then. Satisfying new major goals, that's personal growth and it will shatter a little bit your self esteem, but then you have to accept your new traits and achievements to reach again a level of self esteem. I hope that makes sense. If you have any questions, please ask.

I'm just trying to guess - how do your parents react to your achievements?

Hi, Corndog,

http://psychforums.com/viewtopic.php?t=20455

Disposition is everything, a low self esteem is a perception of the self which we gain by seeing things in a one light or the other. The fact of the matter is that I am entirely capable of seeing myself as a horrible, distasteful person who isn't worth a dime, however I've learned that second guessing yourself accomplishes nothing. I have my flaws, I have my vices, I have my mistakes, and I have no reason to feel good about any of them; but of course, 'to err is human, to forgive is divine.' This can be applied to both other people as well as the self; we must forgive ourselves for our imperfections, if we are not content to forgive then perhaps we must redeem ourselves in whatever manner we see fit. In any case, there is nothing good that can come of having a low self esteem, other than perhaps a growth of character.

By PBNJ
This dovetails with what Somebody said about giving oneself new challenges.
Also, feeling rejected as a child by one's parents can cause one to grow up doubting one's inate value. Skm's question should be explored. Sometimes our parents, in an effort to get us to excel, become overly critical, and forget to be accepting of the successes we do have. When we grow up we internalize this constant criticism, hence never feeling good enough.

skm wrote:I'm just trying to guess - how do your parents react to your achievements?

The thing is, my parents were always really supportive of me and they never really put too much pressure on me. All the pressure I put on myself comes from myself. I always feel like I have to be perfect at everything I do.

corndog wrote:

skm wrote:I'm just trying to guess - how do your parents react to your achievements?

The thing is, my parents were always really supportive of me and they never really put too much pressure on me. All the pressure I put on myself comes from myself. I always feel like I have to be perfect at everything I do.

Hi, Corndog,
Setting high standards and striving to meet them is admirable. Knowing you put your all into something...But...
It is just not humanly possible to be perfect at everything. Is anybody in the world perfect at everything? Can you think of one single perfect human being on this planet?
If you are not perfect in all endeavors, will you flunk out of Life 101?
Do you expect your friends to be perfect? That would be pretty tight ass if you did. So cut yourself some slack, too. Put your mental arm around your shoulder, and tell yourself," I am doing my best, but it is illogical to expect to be perfect at everything!"

Perfectionism is a killer. Literally. A slow suicide.

It flagellates us with our own cat-of-nine-tails without mercy for what is yet to achieve. And it robs us (as you've said) of our ability to just rest in the satisfaction of the successes we have achieved. What we've done... what we have... who we are... is never good enough. Perfectionism. A killer.

I spent a few years torturing myself with perfectionism. Unlike you, mine was driven by a combination of poor parenting and my own natural abiltites to do well that became a shouting voice in my head to 'do better', do BETTER', 'be PERFECT'. I also realized in hindsight that my identify was a little shaky at that time, too. Wow. What a load to carry as a young person.

I dropped perfectionism while I was still fairly young.
Three things helped me:

1) a dismal failure that at first nearly crushed me, but then led to some humility and an awareness that 'it really wasn't as important as I'd thought it was'... Failure, for perfectionists, can either entrench feelings of unworthiness, or can sometimes turn that critical self-awareness lightbulb on. I'm not advocating that you purposely fail at something, but that was the catalyst for me - just one of those elusive "life gifts"!

2) a small number of people who were light on themselves and light on me. Although a couple had already been in my life, failure helped to give me the ears to finally hear what they'd been saying to me.
After that, I've made it a point to always have 1 or 2 people very close to me who cheer me on to maintaining high standards for myself, but also slap me up side the head when I get that driven, insane, perfectionism engine starting up again. I need 1-2 people for my ongoing reality check cuz perfectionism comes really easy to me. I truly do love to excel for my own personal satisfaction. And I can still be a little susceptible to basing my identity on what I DO, rather than who I AM.

3) I tell myself pretty often that "that is good enough... yep, it IS good enough." That helps me maintain balance in my life.

I feel really good about myself these days.

You can drop perfectionism too! After all, look at the other things you've already succeeded in doing.

Best wishes from a like soul,

LifeSong

(Not the poster, so don't get confused. I get confused like this all the time which is why I am posting this message here)

I am a perfectionist and always have been, only in the worst place to have it, and that's art. I recently realized that I just want people to /like/ it, anyone, just SOMEONE besides my family. So I realized that art is an opinion and everyone has their own styles. No one can be good or bad at it. My best friend helped me realize it on accident really. She used to make fun of Picasso's art and other art that was really just random scribbles and bits - yet considered art.

Being a perfectionist on everything always ends up hurting me and I thank you for notifying me it is a slow suicide... 'Cause it really is. I've been a perfectionist since I was 5, always noticing more and more and more. With low self esteem, being a perfectionist was NOT GOOD. If you are a perfectionist MAKE SURE YOU HAVE HIGH SELF ESTEEM OR AT LEAST A DECENT SELF ESTEEM. Having low self esteem made me end up disappointing myself at everything. Nothing I did was ever good enough. Never. My standards were always that of an adult, even though I'm only an adolescent.

I know how you feel, really I do. But how do others react to your accomplishments? Anything bad said about you? Anything by anyone? Ever? I've always been the best at a lot of things, yet was put down for it, and now I end up being the one making fun and picking on myself. I always say everything I do sucks and I'm no good at it - a very bad example, don't you dare follow it. Which is really why being a perfectionist does NOT help...

Anyways, how do others react to your greatness? Do they react poorly to it? That could be a cause and you really would need to say something to them, I don't know what at the moment, but really, you should find something to say to get them to stop it.

Also, are you trying your absolute best? This really hurt me for awhile. I'd achieve top scores in things and be very good at them, but I wouldn't try my best and therefore I'd feel the same way you do.

Hope this helped and hope you feel better about yourself.