My extreme self loathing is the cause of my depression

I have been depressed since bascailly childhood. I feel like I always have been this way. I was pretty much rejected my entire life as a child through to my teen years. Was always an outsider, lonely. I was abused physically and experienced sexual traumas which have made emotional and physical intimacy of any kind absolutely impossible for me as an adult. I know I’m destined to live an isolated life. My depression has caused me to have no interests, hobbies, ambitions, drive of any kind. I have no reason to wake up in the morning. I have no one in my life, and I’m not exaggerating. There is no one. The worst pain of all is feeling utterly unlovable. I think that’s what hurts the most. I’ve tried improving myself countless times throughout the years, but I realised I can’t accept myself and I can’t escape myself. I think about death and suicide almost every hour of the day. The only thing that stops me is the fear of the unknown and that what may be beyond this life could be worse. I really don’t know how to change my life when I hate myself this much. Has anyone ever had success with doing so?

Been there.
I would say that depression is the cause of self-loathing. The cause of depression is rooted in our biological structure. Basically, the conscious mind makes decisions, but it doesn't pull the strings. Other players are in the game. Some demand basic stuff just to keep the body going, others are more subtle but mostly demand you successfully navigate the social environment. This is very hard to do when you are depressed.



Behaviors are inhibited or reinforced since birth by a simple principle, pleasure is right, pain is wrong. When you feel pain, you are learning to avoid a certain behavior. This is a blind process. If you fail too often your general mood will shift into sadness. The mind works differently when you are sad. You get self-centered, you focus on what is wrong, and memory gets selective to past painful events. This means that perception will change if you shift to the positive pole, where you see life on the bright side.To do so you need to successfully navigate the social environment, and to do that you need to be on the positive pole. This shift may be accomplished in a number of ways. Somebody to talk about everything is essential. This is very hard to do with people close to you, like family and friends, because they will tell you what to think to feel good, but if you are in different poles, your perception is different. They may get confused because they may not understand why you don't adopt the correct behaviors when they already told you what they were. This is why you need somebody you don't have affective bonds to get junk out of your system, like a psychologist.

In depression you need more alone time, use that time to express yourself. Write your thoughts, learn how to play an instrument, draw, swim, don't stand still, you have to keep moving. Spend time with the old part of your family, they can help, and will love your company.
Sometimes an essential behavior is suppressed or a maladaptive behavior is reinforced. Even if you are aware of the behavior you are missing you may not be able to execute it because your mind has learned otherwise and it's different parts won't cooperate to make it happen. Somehow you have to get back in the game to reverse this. You have to teach yourself how to love again.

I've never been through depression but I have lot of friends suffered depression that overcomes it, just don't think of ending your life don't let that demon control you. Just fight and pray.