Its becoming really malignant!

OK heres the basics.

Theres this girl which I have been crazy about for years now. It's wierd though so bare with me.

When I was 13 no girl had ever liked me before, except for mocking jokes. Then my friends had a hunch that I liked a certain girl.

I actually loved her, but I knew my chances of dating her were zero, even though she isnt the most sought after girl in school.

They decided to try and convince me to ask her out to tell me she fancied me.

The first time I ever hear someone likes me, and its a joke...


Well it's four years later, I still love this girl but right now I'm sick of it.

I am in her english class, the only boy there in fact. I still think my chances of her are slim at best, but I am more confident at least.

I put up this front of arrogance though, and I am sure she is intimidated by it. I cant drop it though, it is who I am.

It keeps me sane.

The trouble is I want to be rid of this feeling. I am past wanting to be with her, that will never happen, but I need to be past this love I have for her. If I can raise my self esteem up I can tell her how I feel.

If she turns me down now it will validate every small insecurity I have about myself. I am sure I will be severely, possibly even chronically depressed.

If I can raise my self esteem to the point where that doesnt happen I can tell her how I feel, get rejected and be able to deal with it and finally get on with my life.

It has been the root of so much torment for four years I just want it to be done with. With her or without her.

Hi, Clutchology,
If you hit this girl with a torrent of 4 years of repressed emotion, you will likely succeed in having her reject you out of fear.
Then your negative prognostication will come true.
Perhaps you could approach her gently, and ask her to go have coffee or something with you. Keep it light. If she says no, fine. That is her perogative. If she says yes, you may find you have a potential new friend.
Things don't have to be so black and white.

Oh dont worry if you knew me you would realise that showing too much emotion is something I do not have to worry about!

Quite the opposite is the case, I cannot show ANY emotion.

My emotional capacity is derisory at best.

And the thing is, I'm not looking to be with this girl. Yes I'm attracted to her, yes I have strong feelings for her, but I just dont like relationships. Plain as that.

Intimacy, it scares me. I do better off alone.

I just want to get over these feelings I have for her so I can get on with my life.

Hi, Clutchology,
Although you've described yourself as having narcissistic traits in other forums, a thing you said about 4% emotion brought to mind these other two forums, which you might also explore, seeing as how you are interested in psychology. The emotion thing sounds a little schizoid. The wanting to avoid intimacy to avoid getting hurt sounds like avoidant personality.
Most folks have traits of more than one personality type.
http://psychforums.com/viewforum.php?f=137
http://psychforums.com/viewforum.php?f=175

Yeah I agree. I have always considered myself fairly schizoid, and avoidant has played on me for a while.

I definately have the ego and vanity of the narcissist though.

I will check them out.

Hi clutchology

I'm confused. You say you're narcistic and vain, but you need to get enough self esteem to tell her how you feel.. I thought narcissism was thinking you were the greatest person on earth, like waste your life infront of a mirrror, adoring yourself type thing. But then I could be wrong...

Reading through your post, I can definetly say I sympathise.
In primary school, I decided I wouldn't like anyone, because then I wouldn't get hurt. Hence I never developed any crushes on anyone, even really hot people. I would go "wow, they are beautifull!" but leave it at that. Then one uni night I randomly ran into this guy, who was amazing. I fell in love, much to my own shock, and years on, I still can't get him out of my head. I see him, and people go "you look so happy", and I get all shacky and stupid.
I thought no way was I in his league, and if he showed any amount of interest or was nice, I'd act like an arrogant, socially retarded idiot.
I didn't think I wanted a relationship, only verification that I was worthy so to speak. I was scared of commitment or of intimacy, for reasons we won't get into, so if someone said or hinted a relationship, I'd practically skip town.
After I told him how I felt, It was like removing a bandaid, and now I'm more open to relationships. It was almost like a sort of emotional awakening, and now I'm really glad I met him, cos even though he did nothing, he actually did a lot!

I can't imagine how tired you must be keeping up the arrogant affront. I know I felt miserable. You sound like an interesting, intelligent individual, worth knowing, as proven by your friends that care for you. In my humble opinion, you shouldn't keep trying to keep up the arrogance. This doesn't mean stop being proud- there's nothing wrong with that. It sounds like you have a beautiful mind and soul, so why not just be yourself? raw and fleshy? It feels risky and scary as hell.. like you'll go nuts scary, but I found it pays off. If anything just the relief from always keeping up the image was enough pay off

I think either case, its a mind over matter thing (like kids told that they are stupid perform more poorly in IQ test). so whatever you do, steel and commit yourself to take charge, and do it
good luck!

(oh and what puma said about taking her for coffee sounds excellent - Explicit sometimes becomes freaky 0_o )

d0rmancy wrote:Hi clutchology

I'm confused. You say you're narcistic and vain, but you need to get enough self esteem to tell her how you feel.. I thought narcissism was thinking you were the greatest person on earth, like waste your life infront of a mirrror, adoring yourself type thing. But then I could be wrong...

Narcissists focus too much on themselves, period. It doesn't always manifest positively like that. Check out the description in the NPD forum.

Indeed. I am very self-centered, have no empathy and little emotional capacity.

It's malignant. Thats why it becomes narcissistic. It doesnt have to be arrogant or with a 'god complex'.

I have alot of vanity and in one sense I'm extremely confident, in another I'm very pessimistic.

It's like two in one, it's hard to describe.


But anyway...yeah I am slowly dropping the facade, I think simply publicising my narcissism in school helped. I am the only one in school to openly admit to having a personality disorder, everyone else (and there are many that do) deny it to others and sometimes themselves.

They are afraid of the truth because facing it means they have to deal with it.

I do understand what you are saying. Today in english I was sitting opposite her and spent the lesson joking and teasing her (which some took as flirting...I swear that wasnt intentional) and in the lunch queue we 'conveniently' got there at the same time.

Just talking to her and joking to her without her getting intimidated by my narcissism was a breakthrough, and even though it left me with more questions than answers I felt...liberated.

It was certainly an interesting sensation. It was a vacuous sensation, but sometimes feeling nothing is the best feeling of all.

The whole beautiful mind and personality stuff...debatable. However I am being more me than the arrogant, nefarious facade of a narcissist I once was. If they dont like me for who I am. Ha! Thats their problem.

As I gain confidence in myself I can drop the facade and replace it with real confidence in my true self, eventually I should get to where I want.

Clutchology wrote:
As I gain confidence in myself I can drop the facade and replace it with real confidence in my true self, eventually I should get to where I want.

Good on you, babe!

Hi Clutchology, Since your problem stems from your low self-esteem, the "Fabulous Self-Esteem" e-book by Amy Twain that could be downloaded in www.fabulousselfesteem.com can help you deal with your emotional turmoil. It will give you insights on how to deal with your inner self and towards people. All that information is complied on that e-book. I already have that one and I'm glad I found it.