Outside Looking In

It seems that all my life I've been an intense spectator of life, people, events and achievement. While I understand that this topic may belong to another forum, I posted it here because I believe it is directly related to my crushingly low self-esteem.

Ever since I can remember my life has be wrought by scorn, shame and indignity. My earliest memories were of an old brother constantly beating me up, a bias father who in anger landed solid punches on me, a mother who, when expectations were not met, belittled and criticized relentlessly. During my formative years, my parents character evaluation about me was always preceeded by "why can't you be like", leaving me a path a self-hate and to another step of disconnection with my life. My schooling was accented by being beat up constantly, running in fear and trying to avoid the next sexual molestation. Teachers even sensed my venerability and often launched public humiliation toward me.

I was an ugly child, adolesent and now an adult. My looks, build and presence always landed and still does outside the sphere of fulfillment, happiness and opportunity. As oftened as I tried to learn ways of being accepted it was always, and still is met with ridicule and alienation ultimately leaving me outside looking in, emtpy, hollow and alone. To this day, I have no friends. Never invited to a social gathering. I attend public events alone and dine out by myself. I see life going on all around me but not allowed in the dance.

It's not that I have bad hygene, wear dirty clothes, or have crooked teeth. When I'm at work I have a pleasant personality and good sense of humor. But there is just something about me that repells people, pleasure and success. And here I am at 55 years old, outside looking in.

hi badger,

thanks for posting.

the title of your thread caught my attention. it reminded me of a song by staind called "outside."

reading your post made me sad. although many of the things you've experienced are really painful, the line that spoke out to me the most was "I see life going on all around me but not allowed in the dance." that's incredibly sad =(

I can relate to you in many ways.

it seems that you're an introverted person (hence seeing the world from inside). that sometimes turns people off for some reason. maybe it's because introverts seem more aloof than others? or uninterested? you are clearly a very interesting person though!

it's a good start that you've said some good things about yourself: you have a pleasant personality, and a good sense of humour. does this mean that your co-workers receive you well?

are you a very shy person? maybe that repels others, because shy people are sometimes problematically (and wrongly!) seen to be uncaring, uninterested, etc. it could also be that, if you're shy, maybe people don't want to make you uncomfortable by putting you through social interactions. yet, that's the way to overcome shyness!

do you invite others to socialize and dine with you? maybe you can approach others, and see how they respond... or are you very afraid of being rejected?

I'm so sorry to hear about the many painful things you've had to endure throughout your life... i know it's not easy to just stand tall after all of that... but, you have learned a lot (which is obvious when you say you're an intense spectator of life), and perhaps you can use what you've learned to educate others about these problems (bullying, parental abuse, etc).

to build your self-esteem, move slowly. i suggest you make a list of all of the qualities you like about yourself. you've already stated a couple of good ones! you mentioned that those qualities sprout at work... do they also show up elsewhere?

thank you for sharing. it takes a lot of courage to speak out like that.

take care*

-diana