I'm kinda worried...

Okay, this post isn't completely about me. I'm 13, I have a boyfriend who is also 13, 2 months younger than me. Now, I'm not talking about relationship problems or anything cause at 13 there's really not many...

Anyway, my boyfriend is usually really happy when we're together... but when I talk to him sometimes he talks about how good alcohol tastes... but I know he's not an alcolohic... he just thinks it's cool and that scares me... he says that it would just be easier if everyone commited suicide... he used to be anorexic and he weighs 107 pounds (he's 13!! I know everybody's body structure is different, but I don't think that's healthy) and started freaking out because he's never weighed over 100 pounds and he went from 98 to 107 this school year... he said that muscle was heavier than fat so I asked him what the big deal was.. and he said that he's fat and he's one of the skinniest people I know, he's skinnier than me that's for sure... but he said that everyone else is skinny and he's the fattest person ever... I just met him this past school year... he said before this year he didn't talk much in school... I was in orchestra with him the year before and I don't remember him everysaying a word... he puts himself down because he says he doesn't have many friends... and I have a fairly large amount... but I keep telling him it so much better to have a few friends that you're close to... and I completely believe that. He's extremely sweet but I worry about him a lot and I don't know what to do because if I tried to get him to get help... I'd be so hypocritical...

Because from approximately ages 4-12 I was a victim of incest, by my brother who still lives with us (he was born july '90 and i was born oct '92 so we're pretty close in age). My parents did not do anything about it when I told them oct-nov 2004 something like that, they seemed to think I wasn't telling the truth... that I just said that because I was mad or something, but I'm not that spiteful, he's the one who's been caught in a lie before, yet they believed him. They asked me if I wanted him to get help, but that never happened. My dad said I was stupid to talk to anyone about it because it would tear our family apart. My boyfriend and a couple of my friends know about it though (one of my friends, 8 months younger than me, was raped by one of her best friends who lived with them... 2 years older than her... and after she told me I felt better talking to her because she understood better than most people) My brother and I fight a lot and I have these emotional breakdowns sometimes and I think it's from flashbacks. I hate eating, I try not to eat a lot... I only eat one meal a day most times, I hate the way I look, even though I tell everyone that looks aren't important. I feel like such a freaking hypocrite, but I just can't help it, I want to help other people but I don't like people helping me and I want them to just leave me alone. My boyfriend sat beside me at lunch and would try to get me to eat... and sometimes I would... but a lot of times I couldn't, I feel bad when I eat. I feel dirty too... I lost my virginity to my brother... when I was about 4!!! I've gone to the doctors because they think I have asthma, allergies & this thing called Laryngospasm which is when the vocal chords contract and it prevents water (thats good...) and air (not good..) from getting into the lungs... and they think it's an allergic reaction that sets it off but it happens when I get scared, nervous, stressed, upset, angry ect. too I've been to the hospital 3 times for it now... and they don't seem to know what it is exactly because 2 doctors say it's life threatening (Laryngospasm) 2 doctors say its not (Gastroesophogeal Reflux Disease... GERD) I have to carry an Epi Pen and an inhaler with me, but the two doctors who think I have GERD say not to use it. So I freak out when I have problems breathing.

I don't have the best relationship with my parents or many people in my family... and I don't want to screw it up anymore by talking to a guidance counselor (funny... my uncle is a case worker & my aunt just got her doctorate and is a psychologist) and getting my brother in trouble like my dad said would happen if I did that... so I get punished for something my brother's done. He does anything he wants and is never disciplined. Frankly, I'm terrified of him, fortunately I think that I'm the only person he'd ever do that too, because he knows he could get away with doing it to me, but he hasnt since I told my parents. It just doesn't go away... and I worry so much about my boyfriend and my friend who was raped... I don't know what to do, I feel so alone except when I'm with my bf, and my two best friends. I hate it. I was a happy person. I still try to be, but every time someone asks how I am and I say I'm fine, I feel like it's a lie. One of my best friends (a guy I've known since I was 6) and my boyfriend have gotten upset about my brother when I told them, and they wanted to hurt him... but as much as I hate him, I can't let them do it... I just wish I was somewhere else.

In case you didn't get it... my self esteem is shot... and I don't know how to raise it and help my boyfriend raise his at the same time. I really don't feel like I'm worth worrying about, but I really really hate it when my boyfriend talks the way he does. He's a wonderful person, I just wish he could see it. I don't know if this was posted in the right place... so sorry if it isn't.

I'm sorry this is so long... I had to put it in writing... it feels like I'm on the outside watching someone else live my life... and I need to talk, but I talk to the same people about it all the time, and I feel bad for doing so. I want to help people when I get older, major in psychology, ya know... I don't want people to feel like this.

i am sorry you are goin through such a rough time. i will pray for you and your bf as well as your family. I too feel horribly about myself..i too am worried about my boyfriend..and i too was molested for 4 years straight. if you need to talk to me.. i am here for you! !--ash

Counting_Crows, you need to talk to someone anonymously. There are plenty of hotlines or something that you can call. Putting your boyfriend aside for a minute, you are 13 yrs old and have been repeatedly victimized by your brother since you were 4 who still lives in your house. This is not something that is normal and will be with you for the rest of your life. You need to deal with it now. You may not think it affects you that much, but if it doesn't now, it will later on.
Your boyfriend does sound like he needs help. You should talk to him in a supportive way, teeling him that you will find someway to deal with your issues, so he should too. Make a deal with him. You both need help. Please get it.