um... idk

Hi all, oo i want to first say that i never even considered schizophrenia, or mental illness, until a couple months ago. The past year has been filled with very very very strange experiences, and they have caused me to... idk lose myself? maybe not even lose myself, anyways, i guess i should start with why i think i have schizophrenia. im getting evaluated onthe 28th, and i have NOT tried to diagnose myself or even convince myself i have it. I dont think anyone wants a mental illness, i dont want it. the symptoms i have is delusions mainly. its really hard for me to tell whats real and whats not, but my delusions consist of grandeur ( i think im on earth for a special purpose) i have psychic powers, my friend is psychic, or an angel or demon, which is another thing, i also have alot of troubles with my beliefs and idk why, im not religious at all, im spiritual, but i guess we can see the power that christianity has when it comes to fear. i believe im always being watched by the government, and also just recently i have noticed its getting hard for me to collect my thoughts and im getting a lot of brain farts recently. i dont have voices (i dont think i do, ive had conversations with voices in my head, but thats not an everyday thing. i also talk to myself alot.) my moms side of the family does have a history of mental illness, and im left handed. also i know weed doesnt cause schizophrenia, but i know it can bring out underlying symptoms, and on april 22nd, i think i either had a message from god or my first psychotic episode. i believe my friend is jesus christ himself. sometimes, at other times i think hes the devil himself. ive taken 5 screening tests, and they all say i need to get evaluated LOL. im pretty apathetic, which is sad, but idk how to connect with people anymore. but the thing is is i KNOW all this stuff exists out there, i mean, im not gonna tell my psychiatrist that because i dont want to get sent to an insane ward, i always think the tv is sending me special messages, and any thing that happens i believe happens for special purposes. i have this feeling that aliens are going to come soon and that im going to help save humanity lol, things like these. also note that i had no clue wtf was going on when i was experiencing these things at their prime, until a copuple months ago when i started looking into mental illnesses. um... it gets hard for me to put my thoughts into words and i stop sentences randomly, i tend to say the same thing ovr and over as a reply "ya" i laugh when i shouldnt laugh lol... uh lets see... idk its just this kinda things have been happening for the past 8 months. also i just turned 20, so ya... also, i dont think anythings wrong with me, i dont think im schizophrenic at all, i believe my beliefs and ideas are extremely logical. to me anyways, everyone else just looks at me like im crazy lol, so... any thoughts or anything? thanks

I believe alot of stuff similar to you. Well..not about my friend being Jesus or the Devil, but alot of the other stuff. I also don't hear voices. According to my therapist, I would be considered to have schizophrenia. However, I don't take meds and don't want to. You should probably go talk to your doctors and get the evaluation and then figure out how much your ideas bother you or not and how much it makes it hard for you to function. Then you can make up your own mind. Thats just my opinion.

Yea, and i figure if i am sz, then im glad because reality is way too depressing now that i think about it. Also, last night i think my friend admitted he was the devil, i see 666 alot, like everywhere, and last night he said his password was 6669 for 69 and 666, for the devil... but you know, i cant leave my friend, even if he is the devil, hes my best friend, and if that means i have to spend eternity in hell sobeit, but im not leaving his side

-- Sun Dec 25, 2011 5:53 pm --

my ideas bother me alot, but most of the time i just brush them aside, but when things happen where i think my friends the devil, it bothers me in a way becasue idk if he truly is my best friend or if hes just a demon disguised as an angel and is trying to bring me down to hell, idk........

My experiences have been very similar to yours, especially the part about a year of extreme strangeness that made you lose yourself. My beliefs are very different from yours, but I identify with pretty much everything in your post. I absolutely believe in the things others would call delusions. If it weren't for the depression and the increasing impossibility of dealing with people, then I wouldn't even have ever considered there was anything wrong with me.

I haven't been evaluated yet either, though, so I don't know what exactly my diagnosis will be...