Sick of not being me.

For too long now, I haven't been myself. I haven't done the things I want, or enjoy doing the things I love. I've let myself become so involved with the parinoia, the mood swings, that I'm become a fragment of what I used to be.

I want to listen to music without fear of subliminal messages. I want to watch tv without signs from God. I want to have a normal conversation with somone without feeling like I'm going to choak or pass out from anxiety. I want to have a fight without becoming suicidal. I want a day where I feel normal; a day without symptoms. I want to wake up one day and just be happy because the sun is shining. I want to eat food without feeling like I'm being watched. I want to look in the mirror and recognize the face staring back at me. I want to feel like a real person because I effing am a real person! I want to be able to go to the store without feeling everyones eyes on me. I want to sit at a doctors office without fear of being on camera. I want to drive a car without visions of wrecking. I want the voices in my head to be quiet so that I can think. I want to be able to think slowly, instead of having all my thoughts flood my head at once. I want to put on clothes I want to wear instead of the special powers they bring me. I want to drive a car without fear of getting into an accident. I want to disapline my kids without fear of Children Services being called.

I want to function. I want to be not so afraid all the time. I want the ability to be a normal person again.

I'm sick of it. This isn't me! This is the sickness. And I'm sick of the sickness ruining my life.

I know what you mean. You feel like your life has been stolen. Like you're trapped inside your own brain and there's nowhere to run and hide because there's no physical boundaries you're trapped in a prison that's not made of bars but of your own flesh and you find yourself mentally scratching and clawing at the walls of your skull screaming for someone to let you out.

deadgirlwalking wrote:I know what you mean. You feel like your life has been stolen. Like you're trapped inside your own brain and there's nowhere to run and hide because there's no physical boundaries you're trapped in a prison that's not made of bars but of your own flesh and you find yourself mentally scratching and clawing at the walls of your skull screaming for someone to let you out.

Wow. I really hope your a poet/writer, because that described me as well.

You put on diffrent clothes for diffrent powers? Can you tell me more about this?

I put on diffrent colours for the diffrent emotions they give me.

hello warpedhalo most of what you've described, at least to me doesn't sound like they are things that ultimately 'aren't you'. i'm not suggesting that those things are what make ya what ya are though.

but if you think about it, if you wiped the descriptions you gave out of your life, would you then be you? moreso than now? why would something else not swoop in and replace what you've wiped away?

nah, those are not what make you who you are. everyone is presented with their own sets of trials and tribulations, and if ya ass me it's how someone tackles it that plays a bigger part of who someone is. not just bigger, most likely the whole.

you mention sickness ruining your life, as well as not wanting to be afraid. well, sickness implies health does it not? healing too, though this is secondary it is the prime route of transition.

you can ask anyone who's overcome a fear how tough the first step is. fear ain't a tumor that someone else is to remove, you've got the tools in your own hands it is only a matter of using them. this is also not to say that no one else can play a role. but i am talking about your own brain having the connection be made. it's like pounding in a nail, there can be someone that hands you a nail but one person drives it in, not two at a time. maybe not the best example.

i have found with instrumentals their lack of subliminal messages. there are messages in the sense of the story of tension/release but nothing along the lines of instructions being given with lyrics.

breaking down implies originally being a solid, and the opportunity of rebuilding. since one state is gone to from the other, and since one who breaks down is a witness to the steps that took place, one can identify the compromised structural points.

reinforcement is only carried out on areas that need it. for example, if a muscle in your back tears, you naturally would not decide to wear a leg cast in an attempt to heal the back.

if you can identify something you can take further measures. you've got more tools than simply identifying problem areas too.

xecutive wrote:You put on diffrent clothes for diffrent powers? Can you tell me more about this?

I put on diffrent colours for the diffrent emotions they give me.

If I wear my boyfriend's hoodie, I feel more secure, for example.

Ocular_razor, I understand what you're saying, but I was just venting. It feels like I deal with this stupid crap every moment of every day, and I'm just sick of it. I was venting because I want a day without symptoms. I want a day where I feel like myself because none of my symptoms feel like me. I can't stand it. I want to feel like I was before all of this began. I remember those days well, and it just bothers me because I feel like I fell a long way. Especially days like today, where everything feels like it's falling through the cracks. I can't think straight, I can't function, and I'm pouting. I don't want to be like this any more. I want to be healthy.

w4rp3dh4l0 wrote:Ocular_razor, I understand what you're saying, but I was just venting. It feels like I deal with this stupid crap every moment of every day, and I'm just sick of it. I was venting because I want a day without symptoms. I want a day where I feel like myself because none of my symptoms feel like me. I can't stand it. I want to feel like I was before all of this began. I remember those days well, and it just bothers me because I feel like I fell a long way. Especially days like today, where everything feels like it's falling through the cracks. I can't think straight, I can't function, and I'm pouting. I don't want to be like this any more. I want to be healthy.

Warped Halo,

I understand how you feel, I have only had schiz for a year and I remember those better days as well. I am taking meds and they have stopped all the delusions of persecution. Are you on meds?

How long have you been schiz?

I totally understand how you're feeling.

I'm on meds but they don't seem to be helping that much. I still get delusional, still hear voices, still have mood swings, the works. They just dumb down my symptoms so I can handle them....sometimes.

I've been diagnosed over a year ago. I think it's almost two years now. I'm still in the denial phase, I guess. I mean, I know there's something wrong with me, but I'm still not okay with it. I have days where I just wish everything would go away and I'll be fine.

I'm trying really hard to be normal, to act normal, and to curb my symptoms, but I'm not doing a very good job at it. I'm strugiling for sure.