Understanding my self

Hi, hows it going?

Three years ago I was diagnosed scizophrenic and prescriped quetiapine. I have been through a lot over the years and now realise I have a lot of personality problems. I've now had my meication reduced as I feel a lot better, I'm on one of the lowest doses now.

There are parts of my feelings and personality that are practicaly non existant on the outside, but are locked up on the inside. I can see them and feel them, but I can't use them or share them. It makes my life harder because of this.

It's as if they have been taken away from me and I can't naturaly use them. It makes it hard for me to realy understand who I am.

There are so many in there it feels like some of them don't belong to me and some of them do. The fact I know some of these parts of my personality are mine because I've experienced them naturaly before which I won't normaly feel comfortable in. I just wan't to be that person again. I've been it before so I know it's me, just there's others in there that cloud it up, confuse me.

I have recently been encouraging them and trying to bring them out. To tell you the truth, I feel more my self now that I ever have. But current circumstances and memorys of my past(my schiz trigger)have seriously linked and left me confused and in fear of relapse.

To be honest I feel good and as if I'm in control of it. But, there's always that fear of relapse. I've just spent the past 1-2 years sorting my self out again, and I'm the strongest and most confident I have ever been, I don't want that to be taken away from me, again.

The main problem I'm coming across is understanding delusions and recognising if I'm experiencing them. Things in my life have been keeping my mind focused on things I could do without at this time, seeing im trying so hard to sort my self out. I have been thinking way too deep into situations and I believe my mind has been getting away with me. Things and people around me distract my mind and trying to understand it all is leading me to conclusions. But I can't have that understanding without having a stronger negative thought on the situation. There is way more negativity than posativity. But the posative thought is so strong it hurts to think about it, even though it is probably the true one. Are these delusions I'm experiencing?

There is delusions and then theres an overactive imagination...whats the link between them? I don't know. Im sure theres some link. Sounds like your experiencing self awakening. Im not even entirely sure what your talking about. anyway one thing I tell myself is not to react or live whats beyond my personality constricts and I tend to appear more normal...Nevermind I don't even know what IM saying right now.....I was tutored by madness.

i know that i over analize EVERYTHING, i mean everything, so it kinda sounds like you are over analizing what is the simplelist thing to have, happiness, peace with yourself and what you are becoming/are, just sit back, relax, and have a cigarette or a glass of ice tea, whatever your fav thing might be and then go out with some friends, make some funny jokes, and laugh, we are given life, we might as well make some use of it eh?

i feel like i do that to alot of times. like no matter whats going on(which a lot of times if something good), i can't experience the good feelings that go with it for very long at all. its like i lost the ability to have positive thoughts and feelings somewhere. and i think everything through over and over until i find a problem. sometimes i will feel the positive ones but only for a very short time and they are few and far between. it makes me wonder if there is something off with my serantonin or dopamine or something. i dont feel like im depressed though. i have a normal amount of negative feelings but instead of positive ones i mostly feel flat. actually this might not be like you at all. anyone know what i mean?