so what am I?

ok well I opened this page and decided immediately I didn't want to think that much to list symptoms but I will in short bullets

-sometimes I'll get auditory hallucinations like loud whirs and sounds of rain or thunderstorms with random voices saying random things and that last for a few minutes then it all goes away like I just took a trip into another world. Cities and cars are another one as well. Random whispers of unrecognizable speech.

-I sometimes hear people around me or near me say something and I ask them about it and they say they didn't say anything

-Not only that but when I hear people talk I'll mistaken them to say a different word than they actually said but understand the rest of the sentence and I feel really stupid

-I get these visual hallucinations out hte corner of my eye like human figures but as soon as I look they are gone and sometimes it can happen over and over

-it gives me the sense that I am being like stalked I guess is the word I want to use by some outside force that is evil. I only say evil because of all the negativity I feel

-I find it very hard to have the will to get a job because just the idea of being around people scares the hell out of me. but, at the same time I wish I could just get one to have money to get a diagnosis but I just get too panicky and am too overly distracted by delusions. I have had jobs before and its always the same thing... scared people are saying things about me that I've been told arent real by few people I have opened up about and just crazy stuff... but I hold onto it. It makes me not very eager to find a job because I feel like I can only handle a few.

-Despite having no beliefs in myself I have grandiose feelings of self worth at times... like I am a very creative person... photography/graphic design/drawing/painting/musician/writing and I am told I am amazing at it all.. so I dream of that but with the constant fears and desire to just run away to new places and risk my life in the process prevent it.

-I feel like people plot to hurt me. I get scared by passing cars. Just everything in general can link me to some paranoid thought.

-I hold conversations in my head all the time with either myself or someone else but I can recognize them to be only in my head. I also commentate on things I do sometimes.

-My anxiety is very high because of all of this which causes even more disabling.

-I feel like I have special powers sometimes like I can predict the future and because of my common sense I am usually accurate with my assumptions. I feel like I can read what people are thinking or they can see into my thoughts.

-clutter just drives me insane although I have no desire to organize it. I obsess over it and it really irks me.

-I feel completely helpless and have no will to really change anything because no matter what I just see a trainwreck in the end.

-I find it impossible to keep a schedule.

Hey yesouisi,

We are in the schizophrenia forum here, so why did you come here first? You obviously assume that is what is wrong with you, and I cannot really dispute that right now. The symptoms you've listed seem to fit some of the schizophrenic symptoms. I'm only a regular guy though, and my opinion is not professional.

Can I just ask what it is exactly about people that scares you: Is it just that you are fearful of them talking about you (i.e. that they are against you)?; or is it that you are fearful of talking to THEM, and subsequently getting hurt? Sooner or later, living in fear of people will not get you far. Look around you... ...the Goddamn idiots (people) are everywhere and there's no avoiding them if you want to make it big in this world. You could start taking mini 'risks' to boost your confidence around people. For example, purposefully walk on a busy street or walk into a pub, walk around inside it for a minute, and then walk out. These exposures might boosy your confidence.

Kevin

^ When I was in middle school, I was in such a small school that there were only a few people I could be friends with. They all picked on me and talked behind my back. It was the worst 3 years of my life! They made me afraid to talk to anyone. But when I went to high school, I had such a desire to have friends that I started taking those mini risks. Instead of eating lunch alone, I would sit down by someone in one of my classes. I would say hello to a casheer instead of just smiling. It REALLY helped and now I am a social butterfly! I'll talk to ANYONE. Trust me, it works!!