Can this be schizophrenia?

Ok I posted in another place that I was diagnosed with a depression. However there were some other things that worried my doctor. I have been perscribed zyprexa (5 mg) that makes me sleepy all day (even if I take it the previous night, the effects last all day) and also feeling like a zombie.

Basically what's been bugging me is that I got into my head that an evil thing is inside of me and can drive me to do harm to others. I can't get this stupid thought out of my head and I hate looking at my reflection in a mirror. Being around knives also leaves me stressed. I'm also stressed about anything to do with religion (ie a crucifix for example).

I fear I might do harm to others and that makes me think of killing myself. But because I am unable to do that, I feel trapped in the end, trapped in these thoughts, in this constant fear. I have an appointment with the doctor schedule for December omly. I hope I get better until then with the meds and that the secondary effects subside. I want to be cured but spending all day sleepy and in a zombie like state isn't what I call a 'cure'. I want to be able to go on with my life as normal as possible.

Hey, rainbow! Don't give up hope. The meds' side effects might go away and you'll feel better. I went through a phase when I felt more or less like you do now and I think that for me it had a lot to do with stress. Stuff that had to do with religion freaked me out too and I thought of killing myself too because of what was going on. It went away and it can go away for you as well.
I'm sorry, I can't tell you what it is, but this forum is here if you need to talk.

jasmin wrote:Hey, rainbow! Don't give up hope. The meds' side effects might go away and you'll feel better. I went through a phase when I felt more or less like you do now and I think that for me it had a lot to do with stress. Stuff that had to do with religion freaked me out too and I thought of killing myself too because of what was going on. It went away and it can go away for you as well.
I'm sorry, I can't tell you what it is, but this forum is here if you need to talk.

I dont know if the meds are having effect or not. Right now the effects of it are mostly gone since it's almost time for my daily dosage so the fear is back. I feel I can't take this anymore. I try to think that it will be gone, that I'll be feeling normal again someday but I don't really believed that. I'm terrified of looking myself in the mirror and as for the religion related themes well...I have a homework for college about religion. Still haven't done it. I'm not sure if I will, even, since it stresses me more. Right now I just want for this to pass. I'll wait another week to see if the meds work, if they dont I'll go to the ER again for more stuff. I hate feeling like a zombie but I also hate living in fear. I get so stressed when near knives. And if someone from my family is closeby it gets unbearable.

It won't last for ever, rainbow. I was depressed when I felt like this too. It is not your fault and you won't hurt any one. You are getting help and doing the best that you can. Things will get better with treatment. Let us know how you're doing.

jasmin wrote:It won't last for ever, rainbow. I was depressed when I felt like this too. It is not your fault and you won't hurt any one. You are getting help and doing the best that you can. Things will get better with treatment. Let us know how you're doing.

I really hope it'll get better and that I don't do anything drastic. I don't want anything to happen to my family. Thank you.

I know you don't want anything to happen to them. You are in control now and you're trying to get better. The guilt or fear probably comes with these thoughts, it doesn't mean that you have anything to feel guilty for.

Hi rainbow, I know what you are going through. I had a very stressful beginning to the year and started developing terrible thoughts like you have. The worst thing is I actually believed I would do what was happening in my mind. But it's not true!

What I learnt was that every human being is a reflection of a power out there that is so much greater than any 1 religion and everybody is here for a purpose, which means you too!

If you can, try and get a project in your life that you absolutely love (for eg. I like playing guitar and making web sites) and that will make you focus more on that and less on your thoughts.

Also from my own experience don't focus your attention on anything bad, don't do any research on it. Rather think or make a list of all the good things in life: Love, laughter, joy, happiness, forgiveness, friendship, etc. Then go and do these things. Watch a funny movie with friends, give and get a hug from your mom and see how you can help other people, etc.

One day you will be to look at yourself in the mirror again and realise how special you are!

Peace with you!!

Thank you. I'm gonna try and do that :p

Hey, rainbow! How are you?

Hey, so my buddies got a problem that sounds exactly like yours. He's seen the docs and they established that it is a variation of OCD. That is, your thoughts of harming people are Obsessive, and since our brains love to play tricks on us, the thought will cross your mind more often even when you really don't want it to.

Try to face the thoughts, realize that your not insane, and that if anything the thoughts you are having are in a way a sign of a certain high degree of intelligence. - Sartre spoke about similar things at great length in his epic existentialist novel 'Being & Nothingness'. According to the existentialists view point, your now realizing your complete and utter human freedom, and your mind is obsessing over the negative possibilities of that freedom...that is, the freedom "to throw yourself off a cliff". You know you'll never do it, but your mind, as you become a deeper thinker, plays with all kinds of possibilities. Think of it as a philosophical revelation!

But it is a good idea to stick with the meds for the depression until you discuss it with that doctor in december. Good luck friend.