I'm afraid I might be schizophrenic

Before I get begin I should probably share some background info to put things into context. Also, when I When I was about six or seven I was repeatedly molested by a babysitter. It happened to me and my brother around three times a week for some odd six months. Sometimes we were told to do things. We had no idea of the significance of what we were being instructed to do, but looking back I'm filled with disgust. The downside of being a twin I suppose.

I mention that because I occasionally become very depressed or perturbed due to ptsd. I've been a bit afraid of people in general since then, and intimate relationships aren't easy. Many of the symptoms I now suspect to be schizophrenia, may be from ptsd.

I've been told that schizophrenia requires a lack of insight, "if you think you have it you don't". I wouldn't even suspect that I have schizophrenia if it weren't for pot and my grandpa. I usually don't hear voices when sober, I'm merely paranoid on occasion. But it seems like everytime I smoke I begin to hallucinate worse and worse. I realized that some of these things weren't real, but I didn't pay them much attention. It's only after my estranged grandpa died, who was diagnosed with borderline schizophrenia (we now believe he was sociopathic). I've been thinking about his condition and began to realize I had symptoms.

It's hard for me to say when I first started experiencing symptoms, I don't know what is a delusion or not. Somethings I can analyze and guess at, others I can't.

Lately I've been hearing voices and sounds that aren't there. Sometimes I can hear people talking about how retarded or ugly I look, when I now realize they are too far away for me to possibly hear them so clearly. I sometimes hear knocking at my door or cars pulling into my driveway. I've long believed my house was haunted, however I now think those hauntings are delusions. The oldest one of these I can remember is when I heard a large dog greedily eating meat outside my brother's room when no dog was present. I was thirteen. Throughout middle and high school I would on rare occasions hear a male voice saying short nonsensical things, like my dad's name.

Sometimes I feel as though I'm wetting or soiling myself. It gets much worse when I smoke marijuana, like a lot of my symptoms. If sober I'm more likely to feel like I'm soiling myself. I have felt totally convinced and humiliated in public, only to go to a bathroom and find my underwear completely dry. I feel food going down my throat uncomfortably. I've cut back on food and am now 127 lb., 5"10'.
I occasionally use the wrong words for things. I may mean to ask someone to pass my amp, instead I'll ask to pass the plug. The replacement words are usually at least marginally related but make no sense. However, I stuttered during middle school and went through six years of speech therapy for help on certain sounds, so it could be disfluency.

I wonder about what other people are thinking quite a bit. When I initially see someone, even if they're thirty feet away and doing something totally unrelated to me, my first response is to think they are somehow doing something related to me. I worry about other's ulterior motives a lot, blowing up minor body language. I misinterpret things to believe they have some problem with me, then rationally tell myself I'm wrong and brush it aside.

I first began to feel I was being watched when I was eight. I was in the shower and I was overwhelmed with the feeling that there was some entity watching me from behind my head. It felt like if I could turn my head fast enough I could see him before he could dodge my gaze. Throughout my life I've had fantasies and wondered if someone was watching me, like on a tv show some select group of people got to watch. Mainly now though I sometimes feel like there's a black shadow flickering from spot to spot and watching me. I'm terrified of it, it feels like an evil presence behind me.

In middle school I was without friends and once went for two weeks without talking to anyone. Needless to say, I was extremely lonely. On occasion I would make imaginary friends. I would talk to them about all of my problems and hold conversations with them. I felt like my mind was made of a council of old men in some senate that would discuss and dictate my actions. That's not literal, it's merely the metaphor I used to describe my thought processes. I tend to think in conversation, talking to myself or someone I know. I don't know if that's schizophrenic or thinking in socratic dialogue.

I also have bad teeth, I didn't have dental insurance from age eight to eighteen(my current age). Before I went back to the dentist I started feeling problems with my teeth. Mainly when I would smoke pot, my teeth would feel out of place. It would feel like I could wriggle them. When I checked in a mirror or came down, they'd be fine. Once I thought that I cracked a tooth. I pushed on a "wriggly" tooth and felt the most intense pain of my life. It felt like my jaw was unhinged and floating around in the skin. I held my jaw to my head, convinced for a half hour that it would fall off. The pain subsided a bit, and oragel got rid of the rest of it. the pain lasted about three days. When I went to the doctor, they found no hint of any cracked or wriggling teeth. They gave me an odd look and ignored me when I asked them about it.

I'm sorry my post is so long and somewhat difficult to read. It's easier for me to write this from a detached clinical perspective. Of course, I'm also very wordy. Re reading this it looks a lot worse than I'd imagined. I'm really worried about this. Am I confusing some other condition, or blowing this all out of poportion? If I can get any response, I'd be grateful.

Hi,

You may have gone to a doctor about your teeth, but have you gone to a doctor about what is going on inside your head? In my opinion, what you need is someone - a professional - to talk to about everything that is currently happening in your life, and everything that HAPPENED in your life. The abuse from your childhood obviously bothers you, and this could have been the catalyst for everything else that is bad that has happened to you. Picture it: As a child, if you are abused, the impression you get of the world is going to be one of fear. If you then continue to carry this fear throughout your teenage years and into adulthood, then you are going to develop quite differently from everyone else.

So, whilst you might not have schizophrenia exactly, you may have some symptoms of it.

Kevin

I'm sure you're right on some levels. I know without a doubt happened to me as a child has affected me greatly. I've done my best to deal with it, but I'd thought I was at least somewhat past that. The only real help I've recieved was from a friend that was a hypnotherapist. Admittedly, the field can be psuedo sciency but she helped me a great deal. I felt much healthier by the time I stopped seeing her, before my twin moved away and I entered college.

As far as recieving help, I made a foolish mistake before I suspected I had schizophrenia. I signed up for and dropped a class far too difficult for me and I'm uninsured until new year's. Right now I'm trying to research as much as possible and keep a journal of symptoms. I'm trying to find work so I can maybe pay for one myself.

I've also found that cigarettes are amazing . It seems like I can only really think if I've had one recently. Otherwise I flitter from subject to subject, repeat things I hear, go over and over songs, and otherwise can't seem to focus on the subject at hand. Also it stops unbidden thoughts about the relation or importance of mundane sounds or objects.

Cigarettes? - hmm - okay - if they help, then good luck with them. We all have our 'vices', don't we? Cigarettes can be yours; food is mine. Anyway, keeping a journal is a very good idea because, if your mind is anything like mine, some things are easily forgotten. I write lots of things down, in fact, so that I won't forget them.

What was the course that you signed up for?