phrenophobic

I am in the midst of a bout of phrenophobia and need some insight into sz.

Okay, here are a few facts of note about my mental background:

I have been a nail biter, hair puller, and skin picker my whole life. I spend hours everyday doing this stuff.

I have had at least one brief psychotic episode.

I have a severly disabled disorganized schizophrenic aunt on one side of my fam and a BPD uncle and a history of depression on the other

I have been taking Lexapro for almost two years to deal after being pretty depressed in a ruminating kind of way for a long while.

I smoked weed often and in large quantities throughout college and did other drugs recreationally. I don't know if it means anything, but I never felt that different on psychedelics.

I tend obsessively dwell on things and can't "put them down" without "picking up" something else. For example, "Am I a prodromal schizophrenic?"

Besides the genetic possibility, here are some of the things I think are symptomatic about me:

1. No motivation - I am a terrible procrastinator, I have a really hard time finishing things at work. I didn't bother finishing things at school. My home is a mess and I never bother doing maintenance on my car and other stuff.

2. Flat affect - I don't really feel that much at all, but could be the AD's. I just don't have any way of knowing and don't really want to stop taking them.

3. Clanging - I sometimes will just start rhyming and punning. My has called me wierd in the past.

4. Schizoid Isolation - I'm married but otherwise don't have any friends. Or really want friends. I would rather not see my family. I have effective (hopefully) strategies for dealing with people but I think I would be content locked in a room with tweezer and a apir of nail clippers. I do love my pets.

5. No attention - I can't control my attention. I can never follow movies or TV shows because I get distracted, often by my finger nails or anything moving around me.

6. Allusive reasoning - I feel this is the way my mind opperates but I think the term is a euphemism for "sub-pathological thought disorder."

7. Apathy - I just don't give a f about most everything but I realize I gotta deal with the world I'm in and do a lot of the stuff I have to.

8. Grimaces - I will often make grimaces and twitch different parts of my body. Usually only when others aren't around. Its hard to explain, but I don't know if they are voluntary or not.

9. Memory issues - I often lose my train of thought and can't pick it up again. I forget things minutes after being told them no matter what kind of memory tricks I use. On the other hand I have encyclopedic knowledge of stuff I've been interested in. I'm usually the first person people turn to for technical questions.

Rationally, I may be schizoid or mildly autistic and probably have mild OCD and I know the stuff above are not enough to be shizophrenic
BUT
I could be more disordered at times than I think I am and have poor insight
OR
I may be delusional that I am going crazy which is a delusion in itself and delusions indicate I'm crazy
OR
I am experiencing the first signs and will come down with full-blown sz in the future (the most likely scenario in my mind)

I don't know if it means anything but I'm not really scared of developing sz but at times would rather just like to get the prodrome over with

For those of you with sz, can you please relate how you experienced your prodrome.

Hopefully some one will read this rambling and offer some insight. I have been stuck in this line of thought several times before.

Thanks all.

Atom