I am shizophrenic...

Hi. I used to think I suffer from OCD and Social Phobia, but lately I discovered I do suffer from Shizophrenia. My psychiatrist has diagnosed me ten years ago and I take medications, maybe too much but with Zeldox I found I have a connection with reality which never happened to me before. I was in mental prison. I felt no anger, no fun, no tears I could cry, nothing, just some collapsion and tension and obsessions. I could not realize I can get out of there. I used to think of myself as of lazy immature cowardy creature that does not deserve any respect… God, this is hard. I feel like crying now but tears wont go just some trembling in my heart. Please someone talk to me... Can I have a life? Do I deserve respect? I am ambitious and have dreams but see my time passes by and I am still here and nothing happens... One person committed crime against me and has destroyed my any last drop of self respect... Do this happen to mentally sick people? I am a victim of violence from my relative but can not do anything about it because have no any evidence of his crime, he smartly made it look like my disease, noone believes me... I want to live. i am a believer and I can't distinguish the borderline where it is God and where it is szizophrenia... I am scared because God tells me to get pregnant and all the doctors tell me I should not because it will lead to hospitalization for all my life... Pregnancy is my worst nightmare but I dont know whether God wants me to I cant know if it is my obsession or God... I don't even know if I am ill, maybe I am just lazy, immature and cowardy person and am healthy. I don't know. But my doctor tells me I am sick. This makes me mad. I am not suicidal but I just can't live like this anymore. I am an artist and I paint, write stories, I attend acting classes and they say I am good, art is my reason for living... I want to be useful to people. I want to make them happy. One woman extrasense told me art is my children. I want to live for art and I can't live without having a brush in my hand. Why did God make me a woman, all famous artists are men... I want to become famous. Plese someone talk to me, I have little friends, most of them don't even know I am sick, they just think I am a bit strange, girls are scared of me and men can't understand me in any way...