Schizo Spectrum Disorder or Autism Spectrum?

Before I get started I will admit I'm a bit of a hypochondriac. If I happen to read or hear about an illness, mental or physical I will begin to strongly believe I have it.

Over the last year I have been researching autism. Long story short, I overheard someone at a party speculating if I was autistic due to my quietness and spacey quality. That being said, I was incredibly high (am a bit of a stoner), was new to this group who happened to be going through an std crisis, which scared the crap out of me (I began to believe I had every std and had racing thoughts and just kept smoking to prevent panicking). Since then I decided to research autism/asperger's and I do have a hand full of traits that meet criteria, but for most of them they can be explained. For example I grew up with a bipolar drug addict alcoholic mother who verbally and physically abused me, and would not allow me to socialize, which would explain my social awkwardness and anxiety. There are many more more traits I can list and explain, but I will save that for another thread.

My 2 major concerns are my eye contact issues and taking things literally.

As far as the eye contact goes, it typically is an issue when I'm dealing with an intimidating person or authority figure. When I'm being scolded and yelled at it's the same story. I KNOW I'm breaking eye contact because the intensity of the situation just kills me. Being humiliated (especially in front of others) is unbearable to me. If I look right at them I will most like break down. However there have been times where others have commented my eye contact is poor when this is not the case. The marijuana usage has contributed to that (makes me space out or paranoid) or when I'm focusing on a task which I MUST look at (such as counting change, bagging items, etc.,) I also just feel constant eye contact is a bit unnatural and threatening. Isn't it normal to look around while talking? I've read the direction your eyes are pointed determine thought, past, future etc.,

Taking things literally is another major issue. I understand almost all metaphors, figures of speech and most of the time get sarcasm and irony. Sometimes, I respond literally to be a smart ass and people think I'm being serious. The main problem lies when a joke is made that has content that is triggering. I am quick to fuse when someone is "giving me a hard time" or is implying that I've done something wrong and are "guilting" me (again, links back to abuse). I usually take offense to anything insinuating that I'm a whore/tramp/slut/gold digger, even if it's clearly a joke (I have been sexually assaulted and raped, so I feel it's justifying my abuse). I also over read into a joke implying a threat such as endangering my job, personal safety, damaging my reputation (slander and blackmail are the big ones) etc., It's not that I don't "get" the joke, but I see a double meaning. I see it almost as a conspiracy theory, like all of the "symbols" and pop culture references to 9/11 before the event happened. I see it as the perpetrator using the "joke" ("fiction") to subconsciously tell me that they're going to screw me, and if I "accept" that joke it's as if I'm agreeing to this abuse. Hope that makes sense.

Does this sound AS/ASD or more along the lines of Schizo/Paranoia?

It's possible that you're just a variation on normal and neither. The hypochondria and anxiety is clear. You don't sound like you're either autistic or schizophrenic. If you have a "touch" of one or the other - you really need a psychiatrist to tell you that, and they may not even be able to tell without your having some sort of neuropsych evaluation if we're talking some subtle issue. Reading double meanings into what people are saying "signs" and whatnot - a little on the paranoid/unusual side (maybe schizotypal?) but you'd need a lot more symptoms to get the diagnosis. Maybe you have a lot more symptoms, but again...you'd really need to see a shrink. Eye contact? Lots of reasons you could have poor eye contact...although you're not even convinced you do when you're not anxious. And no, it's not normal to maintain unbroken eye contact for long periods of time...that's as much a "sign" of (God knows what) as poor eye contact, so...you're right.

I'm not sure why you need to look for additional diagnoses when you clearly have three full-blown issues that need tending: hypochondria, social anxiety and a history of abuse/trauma. I think that's more than enough for anyone's plate. See a therapist or a psychiatrist to deal with those issues, mention your concerns about SZ and Autism, and they can screen you for those while they're at it.