SPD and leadership (of NPDs)

Hi,

is anybody with SPD here who has the duty to lead people in a professional context ?

I need sparring and advice.

Best advice I got in this forum is drinking energy drinks before meetings, to be perceived more normal and extrovert/pushy. HIghly appreciate that one, works like a charm.

I have issues in mimicing dominant behavior. Don't know if this is SPD related or something else. People feel my fear and start being dominant. They close the meeting, they set the topics etc. And my job is then to set borders.

NPDs etc. do this so naturally, with charm and almost automatically people follow their lead. I respect and envy this. (Also machiavellis etc.)

My company expects that I have NPD. They even have stupid psycho tests that only NPDs can pass. (Which I faked successfully, pretending to be a dominant NPD, at least that's in the test results and people actually do believe this crap. They reframe immediately "oh, that's right", like in a horoscope, it's incredible ...).

So, now I'm in an environment that expects dominant NPD behavior as a SP or SPD or whatever and the NPDs I have to lead sense my fear and start to dominate me. Once I even lost the leadership to such a person and did leave the company.

My problem is now: A business coach told me, I need to me more dominant, less pleasing. I switched the mode and now I rampage relations around me. This sudden change from Mr. pleasing to Mr. asshole ruins a lot of relation credit. And as SPD I build little credit over time anyway.

Nobody understand this. The NPDs who are automatically dominant and respected wonder what I'm doing. But I feel when staff respects me, or when they don't follow me.

Notes:
- I give a lot of freedom and will continue to do so (SPD ... projection of what I would need
- It's technical leadership, not disciplinary leadership (project leader, more or less business development)
- I have a strong "you have to please others" inner driver

I start to realize that I maybe should not lead, maybe not even technical leadership.

The thing is, when I have normal people (not difficult, no NPDs, people who work as a team, don't play games in every second etc.) I have an above average performance. (You need to trust me here, I can show this by KPIs). Maybe even because I lead sensitive and not dominant. But as soon as difficult people are in my team, I'm overstrained immediately.

So, what can I do ? Today I overreacted, when I showed the (possible) NPD that I'm the boss. And now people wonder, why I'm overreacting.

Thanks in advance.

I don't exactly has that type of experience, I hate leadership, I do usually what I can to get people off by back and not follow me.

What I can tell you is that real dominant behavior is usually calm and relatively empathetic like in a personal way. So you have to care about people individually, or at least make them believe you do.

It's hormonal though, you need more serotonine, it's what creates this type of behavior. Some have it, some don't. I suppose it can be fixed with drugs to some degree, or maybe supplements. Grooming is the natural way within or without the group. Or you could try and despise them internally. It works pretty good for public speaking, or some imagine the others naked. But yes, if you actually think they are superior or a threat, you will show fear most likely, and they will take that as a weakness and might be tempted to take charge. I don't think its about being pleasant. You can do all that and be pleasant most of the time. Being unpleasant is not good leadership imo. People might applaud it if they agree with you, might even admire you for the courage, but they won't really follow you, they will simply expect you to do stuff for them and then drop you if you fail. It depends what you mean by pleasant I guess. If it is indecisive, then it is a problem, but it's possible to be decisive stand your ground firmly and still be pleasant unless there is a direct challenge.

But like I said, I don't know much about those things personally, it's just from observation.

Thank you, Polarbear, it helps me that you shared your perspective.

Maybe internal despise is a lesser known SPD game. Very powerful. I remember doing this on the dancefloor, so I could dance in any way I wanted to dance, as if I were alone. Not a narcistic despise, a "they dont matter -> they aren't there" despise.

Crazy thing. After becoming a team lead (or whatever it is) that I shouldn't, some weird circumstances push me into an even worse direction. I started with music production (at night), nicely being all alone in the studio. But production is very close to DJing, which is quite the opposite of being alone in the studio. However, that production thing slightly drags me into DJing now.

It feels wrong, to lead and to DJ as SP. Other people are born for this. I'm not (and I'm fine with that). So maybe I should take this into consideration more in my decisions. Not as a stigma, not as a "strength" (there is this reversed, reciprocal evaluation game to rescue ego - nothing like that). No, just because it is the way it is.

Your name reminds me to one of my favored techno songs, by the way. Audio Jack Polarbear Introspection. Full of Underworld-Vibe, so massive. https://open.spotify.com/album/4g68s8iO ... y2kuT0ewzQ

Sorry for verbosity,
thanks a lot for your point of view, I got important impulses