Anger and isolation

Just realised something about myself and was wondering if it applied to schizoids in general. I am a very angry person. I don't mean that I constantly lash out at people. But rather that I have deep-seated anger issue. It's consuming that I would say anger is my defining emotion. It's at the root of what I would call my personality. I think this anger stems from pain. I was so deeply hurt by abuse and neglect in childhood (and all the way up to adolescence) that my de facto reaction or response was to be angry.

My anger is so insidious and doesn't usually come to the surface. But when it rarely does and I rage, I can tell there is a lot of it inside waiting for its moment to vent out. I guess being an angry personality means you also become cynical, jaded and more likely to apply negative thinking. You hold grudges instead of forgiving, you give up on things instead of pursuing solutions, you tear down ideas and potential instead of building and bonding.

What I'm really getting at is that this deep well of anger is what causes a wedge between me and society at large. It's probably the main cause for my detachment and lack of bonding.

I've always wondered why I felt like I needed friends but could never materialise a relationship. It's like some theoretical concept that escapes our daily reality. On one level I want to surround myself with others but on another I don't connect and don't particularly enjoy being around people. I think anger is a pretty important facet of being schizoid.

This aspect has chilled out for me after I was able to work out why certain people were the way they were. I realized why they acted that way, and understood how they responded in the terrible ways they did.

I wound up forgiving them, though I don't plan on meeting up with them for lunch or anything soon.

A lot of my feelings in regards to friends has sort of evolved. I used to project how bad people once treated me on people I had recently met. I've learned not to assume everyone is automatically bad/incompetent.

From early on in childhood till that forgiveness (this year), I had a theme of very vengeful thoughts to people I disliked.

I have always been in a sort of stuck in an irritation state with people too. This has become better since as well, though I've been told (today actually) I look like I'm uncomfortable and plotting to leave whoever I'm talking with as soon as possible.

People can irritate and frustrate the hell out of me but I am rarely angry about it. I don't like to let others disturb my calm, that is my job. Empathy goes a long way in that I use my imagination to come up with stories about why people are really stupid or slow or annoying or whatever. I put myself in their imaginary shoes.

Anger is a mental health issue.
Righteous anger is self-justifying the disorder.

PerplexedMan wrote:I am a very angry person. I don't mean that I constantly lash out at people. But rather that I have deep-seated anger issue. It's consuming that I would say anger is my defining emotion. It's at the root of what I would call my personality. I think this anger stems from pain.

I'm the same except I wouldn't say anger is my defining emotion. It's always there, like a constant current that runs through me, but I'm usually pretty good at keeping it under control. It's like there's a very thin membrane between me and my anger, and that membrane is easily pierced. I guess this means I have a very short fuse.

I was so deeply hurt by abuse and neglect in childhood (and all the way up to adolescence) that my de facto reaction or response was to be angry.

My de facto response was to withdraw. It wasn't until my forties that the anger started becoming more apparent. I have a theory that, in coming to terms with the past, rather than accept it, I got angry about it. It's like all the pain solidified into anger. This change even affected my depressive periods. Instead of getting sad and sullen, I would get sad and angry.

My anger is so insidious and doesn't usually come to the surface. But when it rarely does and I rage, I can tell there is a lot of it inside waiting for its moment to vent out.

Yes. When I get enraged I get the feeling that there is a whole ocean of anger in me and if I were to just let loose and let it out, it would never stop.

I guess being an angry personality means you also become cynical, jaded and more likely to apply negative thinking.

True.

I think anger is a pretty important facet of being schizoid.

I don't know about this... I think apathy is a large part of the schizoid experience, and apathy doesn't seem congruent with anger. I don't think I know any schizoids in real life, but as far as this forum goes, UK SPD seems pretty chill. And I Dream 5 is too. At least that's the impression they give in their posts.

Holodeck wrote:A lot of my feelings in regards to friends has sort of evolved. I used to project how bad people once treated me on people I had recently met. I've learned not to assume everyone is automatically bad/incompetent.

For me, everybody is an ignorant, boring, vapid asshole until proven otherwise. Not that I go around lashing out at everyone, but it's not easy to gain my trust.

I wound up forgiving them, though I don't plan on meeting up with them for lunch or anything soon.

I have a problem with the concept of forgiveness. The only thing that works for me is time. Years ago a friend said something that pissed me of so badly I was afraid to confront him about it. I was afraid if I let a little anger out, the levy would break and I'd get enraged. As the years passed, I slowly got over it. Some anger dissipates over time if there's nothing to feed into it.

I have always been in a sort of stuck in an irritation state with people too.

Regarding the 'anger is my base emotion' thing above, I would say irritation is my base emotion. Irritation is like watered-down anger. I hate getting overly irritated more than just about everything else. Anger at least often comes with some degree of catharsis.

iabsurdlyexist wrote:Empathy goes a long way in that I use my imagination to come up with stories about why people are really stupid or slow or annoying or whatever. I put myself in their imaginary shoes.

Doing this makes me angrier! Because once I'm in their shoes, I "see" how they're too ignorant to acknowledge or even care how stupid or slow or annoying they are.

UK SPD wrote:Anger is a mental health issue.
Righteous anger is self-justifying the disorder.

See what I mean? Totally chill.

naps wrote:

Holodeck wrote:A lot of my feelings in regards to friends has sort of evolved. I used to project how bad people once treated me on people I had recently met. I've learned not to assume everyone is automatically bad/incompetent.

For me, everybody is an ignorant, boring, vapid asshole until proven otherwise. Not that I go around lashing out at everyone, but it's not easy to gain my trust.

I'm sure it would be harder for me if I had to respond immediately more often. I often catch myself cursing under my breathe if I receive a message from anyone (even people I get along with). I never have my phone volume up, so it's not even like it interrupted my thought process. My boyfriend is the only person who ever texts me, yet I'll still mutter f#cking sh!t or something of the sort if I see I've got a text (nothing to do with him, but I get a bitterness over a thing happening that I didn't predict. I don't find him any of the words you described, yet still do that even with him.

Don't know if I'll ever get rid of my reflexive cynicism. It's not exactly easy to gain my trust either, but I'm not in a situation where I have to heavily rely on anyone outside of myself or secretive either. I work from home, barely do anything outside of the home, I've been through BS of dealing with people trying to ruin my rep on and offline. I know how to cover my tracks, keep a taser on me when I go out, and long as as long as no one tries to bother me when it comes to me trying to work I'm good...though I've dealt with that too.

I do mentally prepare when I meet people that we may not be on good terms later. Part of that reflexive cynicism I was mentioning.

naps wrote:

I wound up forgiving them, though I don't plan on meeting up with them for lunch or anything soon.

I have a problem with the concept of forgiveness. The only thing that works for me is time. Years ago a friend said something that pissed me of so badly I was afraid to confront him about it. I was afraid if I let a little anger out, the levy would break and I'd get enraged. As the years passed, I slowly got over it. Some anger dissipates over time if there's nothing to feed into it.

Forgive may have actually been too strong of a term. I definitely still hold a grudge. I never said to them that I forgave them either. It was more an understanding of why people acted the way they did other than assuming everyone aside from myself was nursed with lead paint.

naps wrote:

iabsurdlyexist wrote:Empathy goes a long way in that I use my imagination to come up with stories about why people are really stupid or slow or annoying or whatever. I put myself in their imaginary shoes.

Doing this makes me angrier! Because once I'm in their shoes, I "see" how they're too ignorant to acknowledge or even care how stupid or slow or annoying they are.

Well, it does take time. I'd be impressed if you took to it immediately. Once you are in their shoes, you'd understand that you are unable to make that connection. Keep working on it.

PerplexedMan wrote:Just realised something about myself and was wondering if it applied to schizoids in general. I am a very angry person. I don't mean that I constantly lash out at people. But rather that I have deep-seated anger issue. It's consuming that I would say anger is my defining emotion. It's at the root of what I would call my personality. I think this anger stems from pain. I was so deeply hurt by abuse and neglect in childhood (and all the way up to adolescence) that my de facto reaction or response was to be angry.

My anger is so insidious and doesn't usually come to the surface. But when it rarely does and I rage, I can tell there is a lot of it inside waiting for its moment to vent out. I guess being an angry personality means you also become cynical, jaded and more likely to apply negative thinking. You hold grudges instead of forgiving, you give up on things instead of pursuing solutions, you tear down ideas and potential instead of building and bonding.

What I'm really getting at is that this deep well of anger is what causes a wedge between me and society at large. It's probably the main cause for my detachment and lack of bonding.

I've always wondered why I felt like I needed friends but could never materialise a relationship. It's like some theoretical concept that escapes our daily reality. On one level I want to surround myself with others but on another I don't connect and don't particularly enjoy being around people. I think anger is a pretty important facet of being schizoid.

I relate. I rage a lot. A large percentage of my childhood abuse was being emotionally manipulated until I burst with rage. It took years of journaling for me to identify that my main emotion was rage because although it was almost always storming in my head, and so expressed in my private journal, I rarely expressed it socially because I knew that was faux pas. I became quite a heavy drinker to dampen my rage and get relief from it – it felt like it was something being done to me not something I had control over. I researched anger types for a time, agreed that sarcasm and self-deprecating humour were self-destructive forms of anger, noticed they were pervasive in my speech in the social world. Medication has helped me. I got many a mental health professonal’s suggestion to express my anger (hit a pillow, scream into a pillow, take up boxing) but found they provided no relief and often left me feeling even more enraged. It feels good to get relief now, experience a broader range of emotions and mind states, it’s a work in progress.

I guess anger is a common feature among all PDs or even anxiety disorders.

The main point of being schizoid, is that you have a hard time expressing your feelings.

For me, I think I am quite erratic. Express anger readily when not adequate to do so and then feel bad or anxious afterward. At other times I am too passive. One good thing, is that even when angry, its impossible for me to be extremely agressive to the point of completely breaking relationships(like assalting, threatening or swearing).

By the way I dont think I am schizoid, although possibly schizotypal or paranoid.

PerplexedMan wrote:Just realised something about myself and was wondering if it applied to schizoids in general. I am a very angry person. I don't mean that I constantly lash out at people. But rather that I have deep-seated anger issue. It's consuming that I would say anger is my defining emotion....

What I'm really getting at is that this deep well of anger is what causes a wedge between me and society at large. It's probably the main cause for my detachment and lack of bonding.

I don't know about schizoid PD, but I can sympathize with a lot of what you wrote. I have a very long fuse, and I've only really let my anger out a few times in my adult life, but it does feel like I'm riding a tiger when it comes out. I can still guide it thankfully so I've never worried about doing something I can't take back.

I totally identified with your idea of it lingering and becoming your defining emotion too. It does seem to be the only emotion I can actually sustain for more than a few minutes. I do think there's something to the idea that it can be baked into you and define how you relate to the world.

It's interesting too because I know a lot of religions just stress the importance of forgiveness, but I don't think it's that simple. I think the idea is that many religions assume a basic state of connection to the rest of your community when just saying you have to will yourself to forgive. Maybe to put it into a picture, imagine all the people in a community are tied to each other with rubber cords, some of them more flexible than others. It's like most religions assume that when people fight, their cords are stretched and under strain, but not broken so you just have to choose to move back towards the person you fought with, and then the cord will go back to how it should be.

I think in the case of you or me though, it's more like most or all of the cords were pushed too far long ago and actually snapped. Now no matter how much we try to move back towards other people, the cord is broken. It takes something other than forgiveness to fix that. I could be wrong, but I think that what can build those bonds from scratch ultimately isn't forgiveness but a sense of justice. Maybe the key is to find people that genuinely treat you fairly, then gradually open up yourself more and more to those relationships built on justice.

Holodeck wrote:This aspect has chilled out for me after I was able to work out why certain people were the way they were. I realized why they acted that way, and understood how they responded in the terrible ways they did.

I wound up forgiving them, though I don't plan on meeting up with them for lunch or anything soon.

I do think this is a good point, that understanding (which isn't necessarily the same thing as forgiveness) can also bring some relief, but I don't think there's a single emotional response that works for all the possibilities. Sometimes a little more knowledge about the other person's situation helps, sometimes you're still connected enough that you can forgive them, and sometimes you have to stand by your anger, curse your enemy, knock the dust from your sandals, and go looking for life elsewhere.