did sex video call with 17 year old guy

starters:
1 didnt know he was 17. i didnt go looking for teens.
he fapped before me

i later signed up to ask him his age. he said he's 17. 1 month away from turning 18.

i apologized to him profusely.

but i feel pathetic. i just feel miserable. i'm 32.
i feel that if i have no control over my sexual urges, what right do i have to blame my abuser.
i mean what's the different anyway.

we're all just living our past and products of it.
i wish i wasnt abused.

i wish i werent a sex addict. wish i were 'clean'. wish i had never had the sex encounters that i had. yuck...

I seriously wouldn't beat myself up over this. 17 is over the age of consent in many countries, so far as obsessing over legalities goes. I mean 17 to me just isn't that horrible. Especially when it was inadvertent.

jaus tail wrote:i feel that if i have no control over my sexual urges, what right do i have to blame my abuser.
i mean what's the different anyway.

Yeah well I'd still blame him. At the very least, being abused means that we can never be sure that our sexuality is as it would have been otherwise. Would I be Bi? Or would I be Straight? Heck maybe I'd just have been all-Gay if I hadn't had my own abuse happen. I have no idea. That alone is reason to be unhappy with the man who started to groom me.

Snaga wrote:At the very least, being abused means that we can never be sure that our sexuality is as it would have been otherwise. Would I be Bi? Or would I be Straight? Heck maybe I'd just have been all-Gay if I hadn't had my own abuse happen. I have no idea. That alone is reason to be unhappy with the man who started to groom me.

yeah . even if we somehow find out, that life is lost forever.
n i hate quotes like:
1) when life gives u lemons, make lemonade
2) get over it
3) dont wreck your future because of your past

if only it hadnt happened... the grief never goes. so much regret could've been avoided. if only i could go back in time... just once, only once...

jaus tail wrote:i hate quotes like:
1) when life gives u lemons, make lemonade
2) get over it
3) dont wreck your future because of your past

You might hate them- I don't care for platitudes myself- and I'm not saying I practice those things, but folks say them because they're good advice. It's either that, or wallow in one's own muck.

Don't misunderstand me; I'm frequently miserable. But I do understand that to a partial extent, I choose to be miserable. And if I'm not going to be completely miserable, I have to at least try the above platitudes.

As I have in my sig line: Let it go. Eventually we freaking have to- what is served by beating yourself up day in and day out over things we cannot change? Whether it's our sexual proclivities, or actions that we regret such as the post this thread started with. It's did. Don't... do it again with him. If someone looks too young for you or potentially too young to be on the site, well then, move on to a different video partner. But you're not some sort of monster. What magic is involved that would make so much moral difference in another month when he's 18? I argue that you're being too hard on yourself.

You might hate them- I don't care for platitudes myself- and I'm not saying I practice those things, but folks say them because they're good advice. It's either that, or wallow in one's own muck.

yeah... what else can they say to 'cheer one up'

Don't misunderstand me; I'm frequently miserable. But I do understand that to a partial extent, I choose to be miserable. And if I'm not going to be completely miserable, I have to at least try the above platitudes.

maybe we dont have to be disney-level happy all the time. a certain acceptance n being at peace/content would be fine.

As I have in my sig line: Let it go. Eventually we freaking have to- what is served by beating yourself up day in and day out over things we cannot change? Whether it's our sexual proclivities, or actions that we regret such as the post this thread started with. It's did. Don't... do it again with him. If someone looks too young for you or potentially too young to be on the site, well then, move on to a different video partner. But you're not some sort of monster. What magic is involved that would make so much moral difference in another month when he's 18? I argue that you're being too hard on yourself.

my cousin was only a year older. n thats the excuse his mom used. that he was just a year older.
yeah i'm never doing it again n i didnt go there seeking teens.

i just dont want to repeat the mistakes. each time i think i wont err, i end up making bigger ones.

Technically this only might have been 'a bigger one'. Morally I don't view it as some huge failing, I'm sorry but I don't. The law draws an arbitrary line at 18 in some places- older in some, younger in others- and mind you, I'm not condoning outright ephebophilia, by any means- but a month? Just be more careful with young-looking video partners. I mean you're not there, you're not omniscient, and you can't hold yourself morally responsible if someone else is on a website they shouldn't be on. You didn't go looking for this.

yeah i didnt go there looking for teens n after i found out his age, i apologized profusely.

i just never thought i'd end up in this situation. end up in therapy, end up having this conversation.

yeah its wishful thinking... my abuser should be in therapy, not me.
but they all are in safety of their ignorance while i'm stuck... since 2013

i try to recover. tried so hard.
exercise
meditating music
self help
therapy
this forum
cycling

but i always wish the abuse hadnt happened. the regret never goes away. its not like i'm weeping as i say this. its just... i wish it hadnt happened.