Older 1/2 brother used to have sex with underage 1/2 sister

i do not justify ANY of what i am about to reveal. I am 18 years older than my half sister. for four years (she being between the ages of 10-14 and I being between 18-32) we escalated our relationship from a kiss to several encounters of sexual intercourse. her two younger siblings (my two younger half siblings) "dared" us to not kiss, but to just place our tongues in each other's mouths. I went along with it. later that night, when everyone went to sleep, my half sister came up to my room to lay in bed with me. she did so because she wanted to actually kiss me. again, she was only 10 at the time. not telling her no, i again gave in. she then got on top of me and "dry humped" me. she then went back to her room. the next morning i felt terribly sick to my stomach knowing how wrong it was to do what we did. however, it did not stop. soon, i would be in the bedroom all three of my half siblings shared. she and i would talk the night away and end it by making out. when she was 12, she told me she was no longer a virgin, that she had sex with a grade school boyfriend. i was in complete shock that she knew what to do even at 10. but how did she know what to do during sex at age 12? i know i had something to do with that. for the next year and a half, we had several sexual encounters. we both kept it from everybody. neither of us cared to realize it was wrong until she turned 14. but until that time, whenever we were apart, she would call me to come over just to be together. the visits didn't always end with us having sex. but other things did happen. it seemed as if we took turns going in to each other's rooms to be with each other. most times she would come upstairs because it was "safer." a year after it ended, when she was 15, she would tell me that she thought she loved me as someone she wanted to marry. to this day, sex with any woman pales in comparison to what my half sister and i experienced together. to me, at the time, it was not abuse. it was love. it was passionate. it was exhilarating. it was completely and utterly satisfying. it was nothing short of beautiful. in the years since, there had been a falling out with me and my half siblings' mother over another issue. however, in the last year and a half, i finally reconnected with all of them. my half sister initially didn't seem to like that i came around again, but seemed ok with it after a couple of months. we exchanged phone numbers and when i would visit, she would walk by me and run her fingers through my hair or give me the tap on the shoulder that we'd be ok. even when i was unsure if i should hug or kiss her hello/goodbye, she'd ask me to hug her. everything seemed to be going ok. until our father told me that his "children" (again, my three half siblings) had an issue with me. nothing ever happened between myself and my half brother. nothing. and nothing ever happened between myself and my other half sister, who is younger than the one i'm writing about here. there was once instance where, getting out of the pool behind my younger half sister, i "goosed" her in the butt. she ran and told her mother. this happened after the sex ended with the older half sister and before the falling out. it certainly didn't help matters. yes, i had the occassional thought that, i too, loved my half sister to a point where we could marry one another. of course that was ridiculously unrealistic and short-lived. again, i do not justify my actions, but i do feel that this four year "relationship" was initiated by my half sister visiting me in my room that first night. i do not blame her as i know a 10-year old - to my knowledge - does not have the mental capacity to understand what it was she did. but i also didn't try to make her understand that it was wrong. there was obviously a mutual attraction and the fact that we didn't live together made it more of a yearning to be with one another when we were apart. i am absolutely devastated, although i completely understand why, that none of them want me in their lives anymore. i want to talk to my father about it. i want to talk to my half sister about it. i want to put it all out there. i just don't know how to begin. i miss them terribly. and not because i would ever want a recurrence of this ever again, because i do not. they are family. i want to heal with them. or at least try to. i am broken, shameful, guilty. it's easy to say i want to make things right, but i truly want that to happen. my half sister from time to time would lash out at me and tell me that i better not do this to any other family or non-family underage children. but that's just it - it wasn't about anyone else BUT her. it's not like i gave up one her and moved on to another child. it was either her or no one at all. i want to explain this to her. i want her to understand that i was "in love" or "in lust" with her. and again, to this day, the sex with her was so beautiful that the bar has been set extremely high. my expectations of women I've been with - yes, women of my age - fail because of what i experienced with my half sister. but that won't keep me from marrying the right woman. i just want my family to understand that i'm not some sort of "repeat offender." it ONLY happened with my half sister and has not happened and will not ever happen again. it's been 9 years since our last encounter. as much as i miss what she and i experienced together, i miss not having them a part of my life. one of my biggest fears is that we will never reconcile. i know i am taking this to my grave. i just want my family to know that it's not like i did what i did then ran off. i want to confront my demons. i am haunted by this, as i know she is, every single waking moment of my existence. i need help. i don't know what to do next.

Please go and find yourself a therapist.

I won't say too much because (well i just won't)

but you know that it wasn't just your child half sister that attracted you.. you attempted to touch the other one.

I know that everyone needs to feel that they are a good and kind person though so i can understand the need for you to justify and defend your actions.. you need to be okay with yourself.

but please go and see a therapist.. you really do need to.

they will be able to give you the help that you so clearly need.

OlderHalfBrother wrote:i just want my family to understand that i'm not some sort of "repeat offender." it ONLY happened with my half sister and has not happened and will not ever happen again. it's been 9 years since our last encounter.

For what it's worth, I believe you and I do not judge you. Based on how complex and often mysteriously motivated sexuality is, I have no reason not to believe you.

The problem is, most people don't appreciate the shear complexity of sexuality, because they've never had to confront any emotions that, if acted out, would be considered taboo or illegal. All their strongest impulses have happened to be socially acceptable. Lucky them.

You can't help your feelings, how your brain is wired. You can't help how strong your impulses are at a given moment in time. You can't help who you love. When you strip away the moral implications of one's actions (I know, it's a big ask), what are you left with? An impulse that was so strong you literally had no choice. I know that's a controversial statement to make, but when we really think about it, when impulses cross the threshold of containment, we are merely observers of our unconscious actions.

That's not to say you shouldn't take responsibility for those actions, it's just you need to acknowledge that you have such impulses and you need help in coming to terms with them.

I agree with sceptical - talk to a therapist first and foremost. You're very brave, and right for wanting to confront this head on.

Look, you know yourself better than anyone. Do not let what other people think (who will judge first and think later, if at all) form your identity. You are not a bad person. You have proven that by showing remorse and wanting to make amends.

Talk to a therapist as your first step and you'll be much clearer on what steps to take next.

You have my support and understanding, again, for what it's worth.

thank you skepticalblahblah and epiphany55. although your replies allowed me a moment of relief, the feelings resurface quickly. I appreciate the support and guidance. therapy has always been at the forefront of my "this is what I need to do" thoughts. I begin to think to myself how in the world would i be able to begin a conversation with a therapist without thinking they'd call the authorities on me. I've often thought about turning myself in to prove my remorse. i'll be sure to seek help real soon.

Forget about turning yourself in (a common thought among the remorseful). Ask any lawyer and they will tell you that the police cannot do anything without a complaining witness and pending charges. Besides, you'd hopefully talk to a lawyer before you talk to the police.

Therapist before lawyer though! I presume your half sister is over 18 now. The therapist will not call the authorities as you are not (nor are you at risk of) harming anyone now. If in doubt, ask the therapist about confidentiality. Tell them you are concerned about potentially incriminating yourself and ask them for scenarios in which they would need to break confidentiality. They should be open about this. If they are not, find another therapist.

In the meantime, what can you do to help others right now? If you are truly remorseful, there is a lot you can do out there to help reduce suffering (give to charity is the obvious one), and it may help ease yours in the process.

I like to think that remorse can actually make a net positive impact on society, that you can actually end up doing more good over a lifetime than if your bad deed had not occurred. Whenever you sink into negative thoughts, put a new twist on them - this is my chance to make the world a better place than it was before my remorse. Corny, I know, but true, and often overlooked by those who only judge the misdeed and not the after-effects.

I fear I'm going to come across as a jerk writing this but I think it is necessary. I respect Epiphany's reply, but I'm less of a determinalist than he seems to be, so I'm afraid I personally don't believe you had no choice (perhaps, limited choice, or choice informed by desires, but choice none-the-same).

First off all, I do not think you are a monster, you are a human being (as are we all) and as such I think you have some intrinsic worth. I can also see that you really want to believe that you were in some kind of mutual relationship with your half-sister. However, you need to fact facts (and I'm sorry, but I really do think that they're facts). A 10-year-old infant cannot consent. A 14-year-old child might be able to consent with someone her own age, but not with someone almost decades her senior. Sorry.

I think you've got to get out of seeing this as a "relationship" or "sex" and realise that you absolutely committed rape and child abuse.

Now: please do not take this as meaning I think you should kill yourself. I don't. However, I think you do have to face facts that you did something gravely, gravely wrong. Please seek therapy about this immediately. I believe your sincerity when you say you would not repeat this behaviour, but I think you need to work through this, for others' sake as well as your own.

As for turning yourself in - personally I think it depends upon what would be best for your half-sister. Personally, I think the best thing to do would be to send her a letter precisely once, stating plaining that you sexually abused her and owning this crime. You should then ask what she wants you to do, including any legal reparations. Do not try to justify or ask for forgiveness or explain away. Also, promise that if she does not want to respond or do anything with the letter, that you will never contact her again.

Download this and read it and please take it to heart and follow what it says:
http://www.phillyspissed.net/sites/default/files/what%20to%20do%20when%20someone%20tells%20you.pdf

Best wishes,
Sprock

-- Thu Feb 27, 2014 6:49 pm --

EDIT: This pdf is tailored more towards people in otherwise consensual relationships who have pushed someone's boundaries or otherwise assaulted their partner. I have detailed the fact that I feel I sexually assaulted my 16-year-old partner, when younger, on this forum (i.e. this is my definition, she has said her 'boundaries were punished' and that she felt 'really uncomfortable'), so I do not want to elevate myself into a position of judging you. however I think the second page with the sections entitled 'Take Responsibility for Your Actions' and 'Seek Help' are applicable to you and you should read them carefully.

-- Thu Feb 27, 2014 7:09 pm --

EDIT no.2: Upon re-reading some of the advice really is only relevant to those in relationships.

OK. In short - not legally binding advice:

1.) Get therapy now. Sooner rather than later. If they do not currently seem you to be a risk to children then you will not be reported. I will you have to leave that to their discretion, even if you are scared.

2.) If you think it's the right thing to do, send a letter to your half-sister, stating simply that what you did was wrong and illegal and unequivocally your fault and that you are happy to take any legal consequences she might wish. Also tell her that if she doesn't want to write back to you, she will never contact her again.

I just wanted to say that I agree wholeheartedly that this is something you need to talk about with a therapist. They will also hopefully help you to figure out whether anything else needs to be done as well.

Cracked