in-law visit

I am wondering if anyone has any insight or suggestions on this. Any help would be appreciated.

My Mother-in-law likes to take digs at people and has a short temper, which I find upsetting when I am the target. I don't have the support of my husband because he is dead scared of challenging his parents under any circumstances even though he recognizes his mother's behaviour.

They live on the other side of the world so when we visit the inevitable comes up.. staying with my in-laws for extended periods. Last year we spent a few months with them. I made sure to fill our calendar with short vacations away and visits with other family members so we never spent more than a 2 or 3 days consecutively with them at any time. My husband was very supportive of the idea and it worked out well.

A few months ago my husband asked me how I felt about us buying airline tickets for my in-laws to come and stay with us for a month. I asked him how we would be able to work things with such a long visit but he didn't have any ideas. the next day he told me he called them and made the offer. I was surprised that he went ahead and invited them without us agreeing on it. It is not like him to do something like that. I didn't say anything at the time but really wish I had now. I felt the damage was done and didn't want to be the bad guy and tell him I wasn't happy about it. I thought instead we could find an inventive way to work things out. Over the past 16 years it has never escalated to an argument but I am worried that if I spend a whole month with her day in, day out it could happen. Even if it doesn't I will be miserable and will feel like a prisoner in my own home.

I tried to talk to my husband a few times about how we would deal with this. I mentioned the possibility of me going away for a few days or weeks at a time because it seemed like the only solution. Then my husband suggested I go visit my extended family for two weeks. It really felt bad that he wanted to send me packing like that but I guess I invited the possibility. I suggested that instead I could go overseas to visit an old friend which would somehow seem more pallatable. My husband agreed. It felt good at first and I thought this would be a workable solution.

But then I felt so small and cheap and 2nd rate. I felt like my status had been bought off. I couldn't fight this feeling and it was eating me up inside. I told my husband what I thought and we got into an argument. He suggested we call off their trip and I said that was a good idea. I even told him he should apologize for making the offer even though I didn't agree. I felt bad that this whole thing happened but at least that awful feeling went away and I don't feel so low anymore. My husband went to bed upset and had trouble falling asleep.

I have given myself permission to not feel guilty about this but at the same time I do. I want him to bring his parents here but I just don't want the grief. The truth is, my MIL doesn't like to leave her comfort zone and I expect she would be particularly difficult on a trip like this because she would be experiencing a lot of culture shock. Some years back when we went to their house for a visit she pointed to a book case and said "we were thinking about coming to visit you overseas but we decided to buy this book case instead." Not only was that insulting but it was also clear to me that she was telling us that it wasn't worth her while to visit us.

I feel bad for my husband because he misses his family. He wants his parents love and approval so much. He is quite a bright, successful person but his parents don't recognize his value. I think he wants to bring his parents here so he can show them the great things he has done and he will finally get their recognition. I told him tonight that his parents won't love him any more even if he brings them here.. my bad. He won't challenge them because he is afraid of rejection and this is the only way he will ever be comfortable functioning with them.

This whole situation is a bit depressing and I feel somewhat conflicted.