Going through a tough break up after watching a person die

Hi everyone, thank you for reading.
First of all let me say I am not sure where to put this topic because it's a complex issue. Secondly, I want to say a few things about myself.
My name is German, I am 20 years old and I moved to Chicago from Kazakhstan 6 years ago.

When I look back just one year, it scares me how much things have changed. A year ago I was in a loving relationship with my girlfriend of two years. Things were going smooth, maybe too smooth. We haven't had a single fight for the two years we were together. We were spending every spare moment with each other, Yes I did notice that she was not that comfortable with talking about her feelings, but I was ok with that. Then a year ago I got a call from my grandparents saying that a really close relative of mine, my grandmother's sister, who was like a grandmother to me, was diagnosed with cancer. At that point in my life I'd already lost a childhood friend to cancer. I decided to go there to support my family.

When I got there, I did not come to a pretty sight. My whole family was way less happy than usual. The news of the diagnosis were a shock to all of us, because she kept it a secret until it was too late. I went to see her at the hospital as soon as I got the chance to and I was shocked to see her in that state. I always remembered her as a cheerful, happy, energetic person who loved God with all her heart and who had endless amount of love towards her family and her church. But what I saw was completely different. She could barely move, she could barely talk, her skin was grey and her face looked really sick. Not even two weeks after the visit to the hospital, they dismissed her, because they could not do anything.

Three days before that my grandmother broke her ankle and decided to move to the city to look after her sister in her last weeks. I obviously moved into the apartment with her. So there I was in the same apartment with a dying relative for three weeks. It was tough on me, and I could actually leave the place to run errands. I can't even imagine how hard it was on my grandmother who was bound there, watching after her older sister, seeing her getting worse and worse every day.

I still remember the day she died. I woke up from my grandmother's crying and moans of agony coming from her sister. I made my grandmother call the ambulance. They came, but all they said was "she has just a few hours left." For the next three hours or so it was just three of us. As soon as it started to get light outside, we called my uncle and my grandfather to come over. They came as fast as they could. Also a person from the church that my grandmother's sister went to came over too. She helped us pull my grandmother away from her dying sister.

Few hours after she died, people from a rival church came over to visit her, not knowing that she died. They left as soon as they realized that they were not the only church people there. All of them left the apartment and they started an argument under the window of our apartment. I knew the reason they were fighting. They were fighting over her apartment. Over OUR apartment. As if she didn't give enough to the church already! I stayed calm up until then, but I couldn't any longer. I was enraged! I gave both parties a piece of my mind! That calmed them down.

I stayed in Kazakhstan for another two months or so, to help my family with the trauma, but the thing was, I needed some help too. I seemed to have found it at the bottom of the bottle. I stayed in the apartment for the most part, and every day I was alone, I'd get drunk. I was depressed because I lost a close relative, but I was also depressed that I could not see my girlfriend. Alcohol even seemed to help for a while.

Well after 3 months in Kazakhstan I was on my way back to the States. I was on the way to see my girlfriend. I even had the money to buy my first car (a token of gratitude from my grandfather.)
When I came back I was happy to see my girlfriend, but as my mother instantly noticed, she was not as happy. In fact with every day after I came back she avoided me more and more. Until not even a month after I came back, she broke up with me.

I still remember most of the conversation, but one phrase stings the most - "Let's break up before we get emotionally attached." And that's after two and a half years of dating. From the girl who I was going to propose to that summer. It shattered whatever I had of my mental stability. After the breakup I saw her only three times. We talked for a bit, which got most of the shock away, but I was still destroyed.

All that pain that I hid away by alcohol came out. I was no longer a functional human being. I sheltered myself from everyone. I stopped talking to most of my friends apart from my best friend and a few friends that didn't know my ex-girlfriend enough to remind me of her. I started gaming, because I needed some emotional outlet.

I was dealing with depression, suicidal thoughts and a few attempts that I somehow stopped, anger at myself, apathy. But even after all this I can't feel in a negative way towards her. At all. I have nothing to catch on. Now with me on the other hand, I was feeling pathetic, useless, unloved, everything I was once passionate about now seemed dull and uninteresting. I wanted to try new things, but couldn't point my finger at anything. Less and less people talked to me every day. By today I only have two friends who are talking to me, plus my coworkers and family.

And now, six months later, I still feel the same for the most part. I became bitter and sarcastic and therefore can't find a girlfriend or a new friend at all. Can someone please tell me what is wrong with me? I want to go back to the old me. The old me was awesome!

Hi. Your post was very poignant, and I want you to know that I'm very sorry that you've gone through this. You're grieving, not only for the death of your great aunt, but for the loss of your relationship. It's hardly surprising that you're in so much pain.

When I look back just one year, it scares me how much things have changed. A year ago I was in a loving relationship with my girlfriend of two years. Things were going smooth, maybe too smooth. We haven't had a single fight for the two years we were together. We were spending every spare moment with each other, Yes I did notice that she was not that comfortable with talking about her feelings, but I was ok with that. Then a year ago I got a call from my grandparents saying that a really close relative of mine, my grandmother's sister, who was like a grandmother to me, was diagnosed with cancer. At that point in my life I'd already lost a childhood friend to cancer. I decided to go there to support my family.

You've had a real and unexpected change in your circumstances, and gone from having a relationship that seemed to offer you some stability to a place of loss and uncertainty, and it sounds as if your whole sense of security has been shaken to the core. Not only did you lose your great aunt, but you also lost a childhood friend to cancer, and it sounds as if you hardly had a chance to grieve the loss of your friend because you lost your aunt soon after. That's a lot to contend with, and I'm very sorry. I know the pain of bereavement, and although no two people's experiences of grief are the same, I know about the rawness and sheer pain of it all. My heart goes out to you.

Few hours after she died, people from a rival church came over to visit her, not knowing that she died. They left as soon as they realized that they were not the only church people there. All of them left the apartment and they started an argument under the window of our apartment. I knew the reason they were fighting. They were fighting over her apartment. Over OUR apartment. As if she didn't give enough to the church already! I stayed calm up until then, but I couldn't any longer. I was enraged! I gave both parties a piece of my mind! That calmed them down.

The sheer insensitivity of these people, who were supposed to be spiritual and caring, astounds me. At a time when they should have been offering their condolences and support, they showed your late aunt and your family a great deal of disrespect. I can see why this made you angry, and you were right to tell them what you thought of them. If they had any sense of decency, they should have felt ashamed of their insensitivity and actions. I can imagine that you still feel some anger towards them to this day.

stayed in Kazakhstan for another two months or so, to help my family with the trauma, but the thing was, I needed some help too. I seemed to have found it at the bottom of the bottle. I stayed in the apartment for the most part, and every day I was alone, I'd get drunk. I was depressed because I lost a close relative, but I was also depressed that I could not see my girlfriend. Alcohol even seemed to help for a while.

This sounds as if it was a very lonely time for you, and that you missed the support of your girlfriend. Perhaps at the time you were drinking in order to escape from the sheer volume of pain? Not only did you lose your great aunt, but you missed your girlfriend, and you were in a different environment. It sounds as if you were there for your family, but I'm wondering if you felt that there was no one there for you? This is perhaps the cruelest part of a bereavement. At a time when we feel so much pain, the very person who would have comforted us isn't there.

Well after 3 months in Kazakhstan I was on my way back to the States. I was on the way to see my girlfriend. I even had the money to buy my first car (a token of gratitude from my grandfather.)
When I came back I was happy to see my girlfriend, but as my mother instantly noticed, she was not as happy. In fact with every day after I came back she avoided me more and more. Until not even a month after I came back, she broke up with me.

I'm so sorry that this has happened. The end of a relationship is also a bereavement, and you've gone through even more loss. I can't even begin to imagine what this felt like for you, but I can imagine that it was a total and unexpected shock.

All that pain that I hid away by alcohol came out. I was no longer a functional human being. I sheltered myself from everyone. I stopped talking to most of my friends apart from my best friend and a few friends that didn't know my ex-girlfriend enough to remind me of her. I started gaming, because I needed some emotional outlet.

It can be a very common reaction after a trauma of this kind for a person to isolate themselves. Perhaps in some ways this self imposed isolation allows them to feel all the pent up hurt, and all the strong emotions. It can be common for a person to ruminate at this time, reliving memories, and going through the situations in the heads, over and over again. It sounds as if the gaming was another kind of escape route for you, and like the alcohol, a distraction from the pain. The trouble with distractions of this kind, however, is that they're temporary, and they only postpone the pain. At some point, it will come to the surface, as it did with you.

was dealing with depression, suicidal thoughts and a few attempts that I somehow stopped, anger at myself, apathy. But even after all this I can't feel in a negative way towards her. At all. I have nothing to catch on. Now with me on the other hand, I was feeling pathetic, useless, unloved, everything I was once passionate about now seemed dull and uninteresting. I wanted to try new things, but couldn't point my finger at anything. Less and less people talked to me every day. By today I only have two friends who are talking to me, plus my coworkers and family.

If you continue to have suicidal thoughts, it's important that you get help. The very fact that you stopped these attempts suggests that you know suicide isn't the answer, and a feeling of self preservation has shown you a very tiny ray of hope. Please get help if you feel this way again, by speaking to your doctor or going to the emergency room of the local hospital. It seems as if you have isolated yourself somewhat, but that your true friends are there for you, and your family too. Please enlist their support if you need it. It sounds as if you are still going to work, and this is good, as it will provide for you a sense of normality and continuity. This is essential at a traumatic time.

There is a sticky at the top of the forum, which explains the stages of grief you're likely to be going through. This applies to the break up of a relationship and a bereavement. You may find that you don't go through the stages in any particular order, and that you might revisit some of the stages until they're resolved. Having some understanding of these stages can help you to process your emotions, and to realise that they're a NORMAL reaction to a traumatic situation. In time, as you pass through these stages, you will come to a point of acceptance, when you will find that you're able to find joy in life again, and the memories will become bittersweet and not so tinged with pain. You will reach this stage eventually. Actually going through the emotions that you're feeling now is part of a healing process. Those who bury their emotions or deny them find difficulty in healing.

And now, six months later, I still feel the same for the most part. I became bitter and sarcastic and therefore can't find a girlfriend or a new friend at all. Can someone please tell me what is wrong with me? I want to go back to the old me. The old me was awesome!

There is no set time limit for grieving. Some people find resolution very quickly and others take some time. What is important is that you understand a little of what you're going through, and recognise that you're reacting in a normal way. Perhaps you see a new girlfriend as the answer to your loneliness, but it sounds as if it's too soon for you as you're still grieving. This is why you're unable at the moment to find anyone. On a subconscious level you realise that you're not ready yet. Not only are you grieving for the people you have lost, but you're grieving for the old you. The old you is still there, and one day you will find him again. Little by little, the pain WILL diminish. You've also had a real blow to your self esteem, but it sounds as if you loved yourself at one time. Your self love will return. You can help it to return by treating yourself with kindness and understanding, knowing that you're going through the pain of bereavement right now. It's also OKAY to give yourself permission to do small things that you enjoy. They could be as small as making a meal you enjoy, or taking yourself for a walk to a place that you like, or reaching out to the friends that you have.

Perhaps speaking to a therapist could help you to talk through your emotions, and help you to make some sense of them? Strong emotions can be very scary, but by understanding that they're normal, some of the fear of them can be removed.

Please let us know how you are. I'll be thinking of you.

If it is of any help, remember that you have had a glut of bad things come your way lately, which can only mean you are due for some good things to come your way soon. Stay alert and look out for them.

I remember my favourite uncle dying of cancer when I was 21 and then 6 months later my favourite aunt (on the other side of my family) also died of cancer. I also had a bit of a cancer scare myself the next year. I felt hopeless and threw my hands up in the air thinking "why me?" Decades passed.. no one else died of cancer in my family since and I am cancer free. These bad times you are having are only temporary, despite the slow recovery. Take care of yourself and give yourself the right tools to start feeling better. You will get back to the old you, it sounds like he's still there waiting for you.

You have two friends which is something pretty special if they are good friends to you. Think about finding a 3rd and then later a 4th. You have family members that love you and care about you. Your uncle did a nice thing by paying for your car. Cherish that. You are no longer with your ex-girlfriend. It is horrible being rejected. I have been rejected like that too. Mine had a new gf waiting in the wings when he dumped me. We were together 3 years. It took years for me to get over it. It really took a blow to my self esteem and made me question who I was and what value I had. Now I am glad for it. It was a useful learning experience and a growth opportunity. I used that knowledge to my advantage many years later and sometimes still reflect upon it.

I am not sure if my outlook will mean anything to you right now but if not I hope it will in the near future.

All the best.

The bottle is not your friend, nor is gaming. Write a list of kind things you can do for yourself and do one for yourself everyday even if you don't want to.

Thank you both very much for your responses. It really means a lot to me.
I have to say, there has been improvements. I haven't been feeling suicidal for a long time, mostly because I started a journal where I would write down all my negative thoughts. What helped me overcome it completely was something truly terrible. My step-sister tried to kill herself a few weeks ago. She's ok now, but she gave all of us a big scare. I sat down with her the next day it happened and told her about my suicidal thoughts and how I overcame them. I told her about the journal and all the things that happened to me over the last year.
However I still feel really depressed. I was looking for something in my closet, until I noticed something I thought I got rid of. It was my "black box." Basically it's a box that has all the things that remind me of my ex. Movie tickets, pictures, letters, cards etc. Back when we were dating I would go through it when I needed to feel better. I was supposed to give it to her if we broke up, but I guess I never did.
Just the thought of her made me tear up a bit. I thought about it, looked around my room and realized something. Most of the things in my room remind me of her. If I take out all things that remind me of her out of my room, I'll be left with nothing more than a bed and a dresser. And that hurts me the most. Over the course of my life I grow into the only stable environment - my room. Everything in my room has some sort of meaning to it. Prior to our break up I didn't have many things in my room that reminded me of the bad things in my past, but I do now and it's driving me mad!
I've got mood swings, I started talking to myself, I can't sleep, I can't eat (well that's sort of normal for me, but anyway) at least on the bright side, I started working out, which means that at least I'm doing something good with my life.

Thank you both very much for your responses. It really means a lot to me.
I have to say, there has been improvements. I haven't been feeling suicidal for a long time, mostly because I started a journal where I would write down all my negative thoughts. What helped me overcome it completely was something truly terrible. My step-sister tried to kill herself a few weeks ago. She's ok now, but she gave all of us a big scare. I sat down with her the next day it happened and told her about my suicidal thoughts and how I overcame them. I told her about the journal and all the things that happened to me over the last year.

I'm sorry to hear about your sister in law and glad to hear that she is now ok. It's to your credit that you were able to put aside your own feelings for a moment and reach out to help her. In some ways, you shared your own experiences to show her that people can begin to heal.

However I still feel really depressed. I was looking for something in my closet, until I noticed something I thought I got rid of. It was my "black box." Basically it's a box that has all the things that remind me of my ex. Movie tickets, pictures, letters, cards etc. Back when we were dating I would go through it when I needed to feel better. I was supposed to give it to her if we broke up, but I guess I never did.
Just the thought of her made me tear up a bit. I thought about it, looked around my room and realized something. Most of the things in my room remind me of her. If I take out all things that remind me of her out of my room, I'll be left with nothing more than a bed and a dresser. And that hurts me the most. Over the course of my life I grow into the only stable environment - my room. Everything in my room has some sort of meaning to it. Prior to our break up I didn't have many things in my room that reminded me of the bad things in my past, but I do now and it's driving me mad!
I've got mood swings, I started talking to myself, I can't sleep, I can't eat (well that's sort of normal for me, but anyway) at least on the bright side, I started working out, which means that at least I'm doing something good with my life.

You know, they say that the things that happen in our pasts shape who we are as people, and that memories never die. Nothing can take those memories away, and they represent happy times. Yes, you're mourning for the loss of those times, but they still represent a time in your life when you were happy, and in some ways they also represent hope. Life is full of memories, the good, the not so good, and the bittersweet. For now, you may need to have those mementos around you and you may find some comfort in them, but when and only when you are ready, you'll be able to put them away or even give them away. There's no time limit on this and you'll know what to do about them in time. If the feelings become unbearable, please speak to your doctor. It sounds as if you're beginning to find small ways of moving forward and the fact that you're working out and say that you're doing something good with your life is a positive sign. It means that you're beginning to find a sense of hope.

You know, as this hope grows bigger, there will come a day when the events of today become the memories of tomorrow. Some will be happy, some not so good, and some bittersweet. Such are the ebbs and flows of life, and they form a sort of tapestry that makes us who we are as people.

Please let us know how you are.

Hi. I am really sorry for your loss. My mother died of cancer when I was in my early 20s. She went from being a healthy person, who was never sick not even with a cold, to dying just weeks after being diagnosed. She died on my birthday. She was young.

I too sat at her bedside for two weeks and watched her go. It changed my life forever. It taught me that life is short, precious, and unpredictable.

The loss of your girlfriend sucks right now because you need her most. I know how that feels. I lost life-long friends when my mother died. I think, from their point of view, watching a friend deal with a death and even a tragedy is overwhelming to them. They don't know what to do or say to you, so they just run away. I also think they freak out a little because they realize that if you can lose a loved one, they can too. And that's a reality they don't want to face. So they bolt.

The good news is, it weeds out the people in your life who are aren't emotionally capable of being true friends/lovers. You find out who your true friends are. Your girlfriend leaving you is actually a blessing in disguise. She has made room for you to let in someone who can be there for you in the whole emotional sense. A lover and a best friend all rolled into one, which is what you deserve.

Trust me.

I've had two major life changing tragedies in my life. My mother dying was one. And years later there was another one. In both instances there were people who walked out of my life and made me feel abandoned, but in reality they just made room for better quality people to walk in.

Keep working out. Keep busy. Stay positive and new people will come into your life.

Hugs.

Thank you all for your support. I apologize for not writing sooner, but I was busy with a lot of things in my life. All I can say now is that I am officially through that part of my life, and as it turned out just in time. I did get over my ex, and frankly I am thankful that she dumped me, because if it weren't for that I wouldn't be on the path I am today. When we were dating, I'll be honest, I saw her potential and focused all my attention on sticking with her. And although my feelings for her were sincere, they were based on mutual desperation. Not to mention that because I saw her potential I started degrading - I lost most of my friends, stopped doing things I used to do (journalism, photography, design, sports and other cool things I used to do a lot) and really stopped being myself. And when I realized all that, all my self pity, depression, and suicidal thoughts went away in a matter of days. There is a bit of an aftertaste from the relationship, but I am 100% over her.