Problem with sensitive and anxious girlfriend

Hi, I am new to this board and am looking for some advice, as to how I can better understand my girlfriend and better our relationship.

We are a new couple, been together for 2 months. I am 25 and she is 23. We are both madly in love with each other, and are both our first true love, despite both having been through numerous relationships before. I am also very particular in my choice in women, and she is the first woman I have ever felt actual feelings for.

We love each other very strongly, as speak often of our future, and not being able to see us ever breaking apart. I believe we are "meant" to be together. Although, we currently have a bit of trouble communicating, due to the fact that we both have a bit of character that gets in the way sometimes, even though we don't do it on purpose.

The main thing I have trouble with, is that she has some self-confidence and insecurity issues, that cause her to act in ways that send off different signals to me than she means to send. She has trouble expressing her emotions, which, when she does not feel comfortable causes her to seem very "neutral" or sometimes can even come off as being a "bitch" as her friends might say - for a lack of a better word. But she is a very sweet person, who doesn't mean harm, it just comes off that way. She is also very sensitive, and she does not take criticism very well, as she takes things very personally, and can cause her to act negatively to defend herself. Because she is not very comfortable with herself, this makes her sometimes act in a way that seems "emotionless". I have had some trouble feeling loving emotions from her due to this - although she assures me it is not her intention, and I can feel that it is sincere.

I have been confronting her about this since the beginning of the relationship, explaining to her that I have trouble feel love from her, and that I need her to show it more often so that I can feel her love, and reinforce any doubts that I may have when she acts "neutral". She always takes this in a bad way, and feels like she is not good enough for me, which can cause her to be very defensive, no matter the way or tone I put it. She will end up breaking down and cry, and tell me how much she doesn't want to lose me, and I will try to reassure her that she won't and that I will still stay by her side. When everything is going very well I can see in her eyes that she is happy and that she loves me, but because she has trouble expressing her emotions, she does not do many of the typical things that I am used to in a relationship where a woman has shown me love.

I try my best to stay patient and be supporting. I tell her multiple times a day that she is beautiful, and amazing, and the love of my life. But it seems she doesn't believe them. I try to stay calm when she get negative but recently I have found it harder and harder, and her negative attitude towards this has caused me to become negative as well sometimes. I have tried to avoid this, and have been doing everything I can to try to fix this problems, but I feel I am running out of options and need some advice on how to deal with this.

Thank you for any good advice that anyone can offer, I want to do anything to keep this relationship together, as although she has trouble showing it, I can still feel that she truly loves me strongly.

I actually think you are being incrediably selfish trying to insist that she show you love when you want it. Particularly as she has a security complex.

I want to do anything to keep this relationship together,

Would you let her flower of love open why it is ready? For trying to force a flower to open does not work. Some might call trying to get this girl to show you love when you want it domination. I call it emotional abuse.

So if you really want to do anyhting to keep this relationship together why don't you show her your love, without being physical, which suggests showing her patience, patience and more bloody patience.

I can still feel that she truly loves me strongly.

why is this not enough?

Freshomatic

You can't fix someone else's problems, nor can you can't make them accept your help.
They have to want to work on their problems: their own first, then their relationship problems. Probably very difficult to do both simultaneously, unless...

the both of you go and see a relationship counselor. That would be worth the effort and money, if you both love each other and are committed.

Alternately, sometimes you have to loosten your bond with someone so they can have more freedom to change. I know this feels hard to do when you love them, but it can result in a healthier relationship later on.

A bit harsh Whybother. He is obviously very fond of his g/f ans she appears to be fond of him but the main problem they are having is communication which he is trying to work on which is why he is here. I know lot's of guys who don't make any effort, nevermind coming to a forum like this to help for constructive advice on how to improve his communication skills. I think if someone is making the effort then we should try and give them some time and patience.

As for advice to the OP. The best thing i can say is keep trying, once you stop trying the end is in sight. When you have the desire to keep trying you obviously want to make things work. Relationships are never easy but nothing that is worth having ever is.

It sounds like you are making progress because you are able to now identify what upsets her so you need to work on approaching those areas as gently as possible. That doesn't mean avoiding certain topics because you need to be honest and open with each other. You just need to be careful how you approach things. It would be a shame to see an otherwise good relationship fail because you couldn't resolve your issues together.

Make it clear that you have all the time in the world for her and when you get it wrong you'll try again. The main thing is she she's you making an effort and working on things. Everyone loves a trier. Try not to take things too personally when miscommunication occurs and remember it's just that, miscommunication. Try and be supportive and if you get upset about something just explain patiently why you got upset. Clarity is much better because then she'll understand that it was not her you are upset with.

Best of luck with it mate. Hope it all works out for you.

Sorry about my late reply, life has caused me to be very busy these days. I recently explained how I felt about needing her love as important in a different way today, and she explains that she understands it better now, and says she will work on it. So I feel like we have made some progress.

whybother wrote:I actually think you are being incrediably selfish trying to insist that she show you love when you want it. Particularly as she has a security complex.

I want to do anything to keep this relationship together,

Would you let her flower of love open why it is ready? For trying to force a flower to open does not work. Some might call trying to get this girl to show you love when you want it domination. I call it emotional abuse.

So if you really want to do anyhting to keep this relationship together why don't you show her your love, without being physical, which suggests showing her patience, patience and more bloody patience.

I can still feel that she truly loves me strongly.

why is this not enough?

This was a very offensive post, and I feel you have some sort of inner hatred or something. I'm not sure why you are blowing it on me, when I am simply searched for ways to better our relationship. I also never said that I was perfect, and I'm sorry that I am so strongly imperfect to your standard.

orion8591 wrote:Freshomatic

You can't fix someone else's problems, nor can you can't make them accept your help.
They have to want to work on their problems: their own first, then their relationship problems. Probably very difficult to do both simultaneously, unless...

the both of you go and see a relationship counselor. That would be worth the effort and money, if you both love each other and are committed.

Alternately, sometimes you have to loosten your bond with someone so they can have more freedom to change. I know this feels hard to do when you love them, but it can result in a healthier relationship later on.

Yes I realized that if she does not want to, that I cannot force her to change. And I know this myself, having gone through the experiences and learned that on my own. I agree that maybe you are right and that I should try to loosen up the tension on that aspect. I know it will help. And yes, it will be hard, because I need to feel these emotions from her to be able to feel confident enough about the situation to "loosen up". I will try my best.

0RH1 wrote:A bit harsh Whybother. He is obviously very fond of his g/f ans she appears to be fond of him but the main problem they are having is communication which he is trying to work on which is why he is here. I know lot's of guys who don't make any effort, nevermind coming to a forum like this to help for constructive advice on how to improve his communication skills. I think if someone is making the effort then we should try and give them some time and patience.

As for advice to the OP. The best thing i can say is keep trying, once you stop trying the end is in sight. When you have the desire to keep trying you obviously want to make things work. Relationships are never easy but nothing that is worth having ever is.

It sounds like you are making progress because you are able to now identify what upsets her so you need to work on approaching those areas as gently as possible. That doesn't mean avoiding certain topics because you need to be honest and open with each other. You just need to be careful how you approach things. It would be a shame to see an otherwise good relationship fail because you couldn't resolve your issues together.

Make it clear that you have all the time in the world for her and when you get it wrong you'll try again. The main thing is she she's you making an effort and working on things. Everyone loves a trier. Try not to take things too personally when miscommunication occurs and remember it's just that, miscommunication. Try and be supportive and if you get upset about something just explain patiently why you got upset. Clarity is much better because then she'll understand that it was not her you are upset with.

Best of luck with it mate. Hope it all works out for you.

Thank you very much for this post. I was beginning to feel like this place was more for pointing fingers than for self-development. We are making progress, although it is a bit limited, because she is in university and spends all her time studying, and I make sure not to involve our personal affairs during her school, so that she can focus on that and get good grades. But it kind of leaves little time our personal affairs. I have noticed that I did take things a bit personally when she would explain something badly (and she explains herself badly quite often) but I am trying to work on that, because I realize that she doesn't always express herself very well. But because she doesn't always open herself up to me very often, I wonder if it is what she thinks but doesn't say it. But I'm sure as we get to communicate more, I will understand her true intentions.

Hi Freshromantic, i am glad that you found my post of some use. You really do sound like you mean a lot to each other so i am pleased to hear that you are both making progress with your communication.

Your g/f sounds a lot like my ex g/f which was why i responded. Unfortunately i was not as effective as you have been on working on my communication problems. I am trying now to improve this area of my personality but unfortunately i am doing it too late to save my relationship with a girl i loved more than i ever loved anyone else. There isn't a day goes by when i don't look back and kick myself for the way i handled things. I didn't want to see you make the same mistake because it's horrible to lose someone you love because of communication problems. My g/f was also in Uni and she was working as well so she had a lot on her plate, she really is amazing to be able to take on so much and handle it all. With the benefit of hindsight i realise that i didn't make anywhere near enough allowances for what she had on. I took things way too personally when she didn't have enough time to spend with me and instead of talking it through i'd get upset. It's only now when i look back on it that i understand where i went wrong. I didn't want you to make the same mistakes that i made which is why i tried to offer a little bit of advice, hopefully you can learn from my mistakes. It's horrible when two people split up for reasons like miscommunication rather than serious issues like incompatibility. Communication can be worked on if you both want too, it sounds like you both do so you have everything to try for. If we can admit to our mistakes then we can learn from our mistakes. That's such an important point, we have to admit to ourselves that we are not perfect and we have made mistakes. I know i have made loads and i regret them bitterly. Likewise you understand where you have made mistakes so at least you can start working on those issues rather than keep making the same mistakes over and over again.

You sound like a very insightful person and i get the feeling that your g/f means an awful lot to you. Keep telling her much she means to you and that you'll keep trying to get things right. Maybe try doing something special for her. Take her out somewhere nice or do some other gesture that will show her how much you mean to her. You know her so only you will know what she will like but make it clear that you are doing it for her because she is very special to you and you want her to feel special. Best of luck and keep us posted.

0RH1 wrote:Hi Freshromantic, i am glad that you found my post of some use. You really do sound like you mean a lot to each other so i am pleased to hear that you are both making progress with your communication.

Your g/f sounds a lot like my ex g/f which was why i responded. Unfortunately i was not as effective as you have been on working on my communication problems. I am trying now to improve this area of my personality but unfortunately i am doing it too late to save my relationship with a girl i loved more than i ever loved anyone else. There isn't a day goes by when i don't look back and kick myself for the way i handled things. I didn't want to see you make the same mistake because it's horrible to lose someone you love because of communication problems. My g/f was also in Uni and she was working as well so she had a lot on her plate, she really is amazing to be able to take on so much and handle it all. With the benefit of hindsight i realise that i didn't make anywhere near enough allowances for what she had on. I took things way too personally when she didn't have enough time to spend with me and instead of talking it through i'd get upset. It's only now when i look back on it that i understand where i went wrong. I didn't want you to make the same mistakes that i made which is why i tried to offer a little bit of advice, hopefully you can learn from my mistakes. It's horrible when two people split up for reasons like miscommunication rather than serious issues like incompatibility. Communication can be worked on if you both want too, it sounds like you both do so you have everything to try for. If we can admit to our mistakes then we can learn from our mistakes. That's such an important point, we have to admit to ourselves that we are not perfect and we have made mistakes. I know i have made loads and i regret them bitterly. Likewise you understand where you have made mistakes so at least you can start working on those issues rather than keep making the same mistakes over and over again.

You sound like a very insightful person and i get the feeling that your g/f means an awful lot to you. Keep telling her much she means to you and that you'll keep trying to get things right. Maybe try doing something special for her. Take her out somewhere nice or do some other gesture that will show her how much you mean to her. You know her so only you will know what she will like but make it clear that you are doing it for her because she is very special to you and you want her to feel special. Best of luck and keep us posted.

Thanks so much ORH1, these post are really helping me keep my head up, and give me hope that we can work things out. I'm glad you explained your past experience, and I think it shows me that I should learn from that, and I should be more understanding and forgiving. She too has alot on her plate with Uni, and it takes alot of her focus. But it's true that that is not her fault, and she also has trouble concentrating on more than 1 thing at a time. I think my attitude needs to change towards needing that attention. It was hard before because I felt if I didn't tell her, she might never think about it. But I am starting to understand slowly...

Does someone know of some good communication techniques that I could use when we are in an argument to keep her from being defensive and negative? I try to talk to her calmly and sweetly, but she always thinks I have ulterior motives, and gets angry instantly. I would like to be able to tell her whn something is wrong without her reacting like that.

That's a tough one. How about asking her first if you want to discuss something, rather than just saying i want to talk about this ask her if she would feel comfortable talking about it and if she isn't ready or not in the right frame of mind for talking then say ok we will leave it and discuss it it when you're ready. Maybe just say to her that you will wait for her to indicate when she is ready for a talk. That way you are not coming across as pushy. If she is forced into a conversation when she is not ready she is more likely to communicate badly. Make it clear you are there for her and would never push into doing anything she's not comfortable with even if it's just a conversation.

I remember when i first started going to counselling how difficult it was to sit there and talk about how i was feeling and what i was thinking. It took me a long time to get used to the whole process. If she is not used to talking openly about stuff then forcing her to talk when she isn't ready will be really hard work for her, even if she is your g/f and is normally comfortable around you it may still be difficult for her to open up and talk at times. It may well be too much pressure for her. Your task is to ease the pressure and not increase it. You'll do that by making her comfortable and relaxed, she needs to know that you'' go along with her wishes and be there for her when she is ready.

Have you tried asking her what's going on (i.e. did she tell you this is what's going on with her, or are you guessing?) If guessing, why not just ask what's actually going on for her, and ask what would make it easier?