Can someone explain this guy's problem to me?

First off, I'm not looking for a diagnosis. I just want to understand the bigger picture of this guy better. I apologize for the length of this. I'm never one for brevity.

To begin with:
He was only child of his parents, but had 3 older half sisters & 2 older half brothers. One brother had facial deformities and was repeatedly violent with him to the point where the other siblings had to separate them to save his life. He went on to become an angry, handful child getting into fights a lot. His mom was pretty self-centered, was only interested in money which is why his parents split up. When he was 9 she asked his dad for more child support and was denied, so she signed over custody to a state run military school - essentially abandoning him. She led him to believe he was going to a sleep-in camp. His dad had no knowledge of this until it was his visitation time. Then it took 2 years of jumping through hoops to get his kid into his custody.

Today at 42 he is admittedly an alcoholic. Drinks several glasses of wine almost every night. When the wine runs out, he turns to beer or vodka shots. In a decade he's been through 2 marriages (had a kid w/ each) and has lived with 3 other girlfriends. (To me, an average of a new relationship every 2 years for 10 years is excessive.) The first divorce was brutal and took 5 years complete w/ restraining orders on each of them. The second wife took off w/ their 18mo baby and never returned. Because she comes from family money & lawyers, so he never pursued any type of custody or visitation w/ his child... that was over 5 years ago.

As for he & I:
We were extremely close, affectionate, emotionally intimate friends for 4 months. During that time I spent 2-4 nights a week with him almost every week. Even though we had dated last fall & had sex, that part of the relationship ended with the New Year. But when we reconciled in early Feb, we continued to hold hands, cuddle, give massages, spoon in his bed. We had deep, emotional conversations about our individual childhood abuse histories. He said repeatedly that I wasn't his girlfriend, but then said we had a relationship (I still don't know what the difference is). Also said we had a very emotionally intimate relationship... something that I have NEVER had before with anyone.

However, over Valentine's he got a girlfriend 17 years younger than him in a long distance relationship. I never understood how he was able to continue the affectionate stuff w/ me when he had her (he saw her about one weekend a month).

In May, when his girlfriend gave him her virginity (despite telling him she wanted to wait for marriage), I started having serious problems with him because she knew practically nothing of me. He hid my things when she visited. He let her take home a heart painting letting her think he had painted it when I had actually did. She had no idea the amount of time I spent with him or our affection level or that I slept next to him most nights I stayed there and saw him naked frequently.

On a stormy Memorial Day we laid down for a nap with me wrapped around him and he said before falling asleep, "We are like two old people napping during the rain." An hour later I woke up to severe hip pain and had to turn over. When I moved from arm from around him he woke up and quickly rolled over with me and wrapped himself around me. It was the sweetest moment I'd ever experienced with a man. However, less than 2 minutes his phone vibrated and he immediately jumped out of bed answering, "Hey angel face!" I couldn't take it anymore. It was bad enough that he wouldn't be my boyfriend, and wouldn't have sex with me but it was another thing that he continued to lie by omission to his young girlfriend who he claimed to be so in love with. I returned his key to him the next day.

All the times I confronted him on all his deceptive acts with her, he constantly claimed he wasn't doing anything wrong. That she didn't need to know. That he wasn't emotionally cheating on her with me. That you can't get all your relationship needs met by one person. Yet claimed they had the perfect relationship. He even said I was over reacting many times. However, when I suggested that we ask her what she thought, to see if she believed he was emotionally cheating, he blew up at me. Claimed that I was threatening him. Once he calmed down I said that his explosive response proves that he knew deep down he was doing something wrong.

We talked face to face once more a week after I returned his key. All this time I had been helping him with his new online college work since he wasn't academically inclined like myself. I told him that I was happy to continue helping him but the affection stuff HAD TO STOP, and I couldn't spend the night anymore. I remember seeing his lower lip pout when I said this. This also happened the same night I got laid off from a job I only had for 2 months. After we talked for a couple hours, I left after giving him a hug. We barely talked on the phone the couple of weeks. He asked me to proofread another one of his essays over email. But frankly, he wasn't really there for me emotionally at all even though he knew losing my job was a hard hit on me. While we knew each other, he often said, "You have to be a friend to have a friend." But when push came to shove, he was barely a friend at all which really hurt me b/c I as there so much supporting him emotionally through all his stress from his schooling efforts.

I finally got fed up w/ his lack of response to my text msgs and sent a final one stating it was time to exile him from my life. Yet, the next day I ended up texting again asking how he did on his final exams, but he never responded. Over the next several weeks I continued to email and text periodically but he never responded to anything. At the end of July I called him with my number blocked which he answered but was surprised & annoyed to hear it was me. Asked me, "Why are you calling from a number that's not your phone?" in a very angry voice. The call didn't last that long. It basically ended with him saying that I had abandoned him and that I was the bad guy.

So now I'm mostly emotionally recovered from all of this but I'm still wondering what his core problem is. I researched Psychological Manipulation on wikipedia and was shocked to see that many of the tactics a typical manipulator uses he used on me & his girlfriend. Plus, she & I both possessed many of the characteristics it listed that are common for their victims. I have also learned that addicts are experts at not accepting responsibility for their bad behavior. That they regularly blame other people for everything, but never themselves. This is totally him.

Does all of this stem from a fractured psyche due to his childhood abandonment? Is the alcoholism just a symptom of the true problem?

He's very smart in knowing what people want to hear and saying all the right things to keep people thinking he's sincere & honest & loving. It scares me to realize how smart he is but I wonder if he is even conscious of how he manipulates. Whenever he says he loves someone does he ever truly mean it? Does he even know what love is? Does he even really feel with his heart or did he pack that up a long time ago when his mom left him? Is there any hope for this guy? Any way of getting him to see himself for who he is and what he does?

If you've taken the time to read all of this I thank you. I know it's extremely long. I appreciate any input anyone can give me. Thank you!

I know my post is long, but I would really like some feedback.
Thank you!

Yes, it sounds like this guy has been psychologically manipulating you. Why or even how he did it shouldn't be the issue, as you could spend many hours ruminating, searching for motives and reasons, and whilst doing so you would be investing MORE emotional time in him. What you now need to do is take your power back, and look at YOUR responses, why you fell for this creep, and how you are dealing with the emotional fallout now. You need to invest time in yourself, in your healing, your recovery and your emotions. Please allow yourself time and space to grieve for this man. The Seven Stages of Grief sticky at the top of the forum will explain to you the stages of grief that commonly occur after the end of a relationship. Your grief might be further complicated by the fact that this was an abusive relationship, and therapy can help you to find a way forward. A therapist might touch upon issues in your childhood and past that may have impacted upon the present, and which may have impacted upon your reasons for being drawn into a "relationship" with this loser. Please, work on your self esteem. With a sound self esteem, you will be empowered and much less likely to repeat relationship patterns, and to be alert to possible red flags in the future. Even if a relationship is not "serious", you are ALWAYS ENTITLED to respect, and this guy didn't respect you. Never settle for anything that makes you feel disrespected.

Thank you masquerade for responding.

Yes, I am perfectly aware that my low self esteem is what led me to get involved with him in the first place. Allowing him to disrespect me for as long as he did is my doing. I am steadily learning what it is like to be respected in the first place since it's something I never learned growing up. In fact, being treated like sh*t is really all I've ever known hence why I get into these bad relationships.

I've gone through those stages of grief. I've done a LOT of healing. I see a therapist on a regular basis. I'm a spiritual person in that I try to look at people from a soul level not just the physical human being level. All souls are perfect light but when we enter bodies and go through life that light gets covered by layers of emotional & physical yick... some get more layers than others. As a result, people develop problems such as addictions, and psychological problems, and whatnot.

Since I've never come across someone who is so manipulative this has been an extremely eye-opening experience for me. I am very familiar with how people can have psychological issues and I simply want to understand what this guy's core issue is. He isn't even a part of my life anymore, but I still have a desire to understand... it's part of my academic mind I think. Like taking things apart to see how they work. Yes, I could spend many hours searching for reasons, that's why I posted this question, to get the thoughts of others who may be more experienced with people who have done those sort of disrespectful behaviors.

Thank you again.

Yes, I am perfectly aware that my low self esteem is what led me to get involved with him in the first place. Allowing him to disrespect me for as long as he did is my doing. I am steadily learning what it is like to be respected in the first place since it's something I never learned growing up. In fact, being treated like sh*t is really all I've ever known hence why I get into these bad relationships.

Perhaps the secret to gaining respect from others lies in first of all respecting ourselves, to such an extent that we will never settle for abusive or disrespectful behaviour. This time could be an excellent opportunity for you to develop a loving relationship with yourself, as your self esteem grows. It is possible to leave behind the legacy of a painful childhood, and your therapist should help you through this process.

I've gone through those stages of grief. I've done a LOT of healing. I see a therapist on a regular basis. I'm a spiritual person in that I try to look at people from a soul level not just the physical human being level. All souls are perfect light but when we enter bodies and go through life that light gets covered by layers of emotional & physical yick... some get more layers than others. As a result, people develop problems such as addictions, and psychological problems, and whatnot.

The people whose lives have become covered in layers of negativity all have hope, and perhaps part of their life lesson is to learn how to empower themselves. Some people manage to do this, whilst others seem to get left behind, dragged down by their layers of negativity. Those who are perhaps more enlightened and aware often try to help these people by trying to "fix" them, or by excusing them. This is the wrong approach. They can find that they are dragged down too. Sadly, these people can only learn to heal if they take responsibility for their own lives and learn self empowerment, a quest which is in itself very spiritual. Those who have been in traumatic situations can turn their experiences around, turning them into very valuable life lessons. You have the opportunity to do this. Sadly, it seems as if he doesn't, unless he takes full responsibility for his actions. Only he can do this.

Since I've never come across someone who is so manipulative this has been an extremely eye-opening experience for me. I am very familiar with how people can have psychological issues and I simply want to understand what this guy's core issue is. He isn't even a part of my life anymore, but I still have a desire to understand... it's part of my academic mind I think. Like taking things apart to see how they work. Yes, I could spend many hours searching for reasons, that's why I posted this question, to get the thoughts of others who may be more experienced with people who have done those sort of disrespectful behaviors.

You may never find out what this guy's core issue is. It is natural to want to understand, to make some sense of what has been a very abnormal situation. Finding an explanation can help a person to "normalise" and categorise a situation, thereby making it seem less threatening and traumatic. I read of people who adopt this approach time and time again in the personality disorder forums on here. They learn all they can about their ex partner's disorder, finding that they have experiences in common, that certain situations resonate with them, and finding a degree of understanding. This can be a healthy approach, as long as the person understands that they were a part of the dynamic too. That doesn't mean that they were in any way to blame, for there is never an excuse for abuse. It means that by recognising their part in the dynamics, they can make informed choices to recognise abusive behaviour in other people, and by empowering themselves, they can take steps to protect themselves. It might be helpful for you to read the personality disorder forums on here, in particular the HPD and NPD forums, where nons (non disordered people) are very welcome. If you do post there, please understand that these forums are primarily for personality disordered people in recovery, and to be respectful towards them. If your ex did have a disorder, please understand that this doesn't excuse him, although it might provide an explanation. Those with disorders can recover and heal if they take responsibilty for their actions. Sadly, it seems that he was unable or unwilling to do this.

Thanks again masquerade.

I make NO excuses for my ex. Bad behavior is simply bad behavior no matter where it stems from. It saddens me that while I repeatedly accepted responsibility for my mistakes in front of him (I try to lead by example) he rarely accepted responsibility for his stuff. He only ever apologized for yelling at me over the phone but quickly followed it with the same criticism that I had threatened him. I've learned that when people apologize with an immediate "but you..." then they aren't really sorry or accepting responsibility.

One thing he did say to me early in the relationship was there was no hope for him. At the time I didn't believe him; I thought there is hope for everyone. Now I see that as long as HE believes there is no hope, then there really isn't. Because if he doesn't believe there's hope for him then there's no reason to try. It's basically a cop-out. It's much easier to say nothing can be done than attempt to do something about it. But, to each his own path.

I just wish no more people in the future will get hurt by this guy, but as history has shown, he's going to keep doing this act because it works for him (temporarily, until she sees him for who he is).