Neglected, broken hearted, pushed away, but still in love.

 I'm searching for hope and advice from a outside opinion. I'm consumed day and night with thoughts I cant seem to control. Trying to figure out the right thing to do and the right way to go about doing it. 
About 3 yrs a go, I met a incredible man that I fell instantly for. There's something about this man that makes my blood boil with passionate love and compassion. There's something so special in him and I saw this right away. So we started hanging out once in a while, went on a cple dates, and casually chatting. before one of those dates, something tragic happened in my family. I wasn't going to go. But I did, thinking it would be good for me to get out. When I was with him, it's like I totally forgot what happened to my family,and there was no other moment in the world than the one I was living in right there with him. Nothing else mattered. This is what I feel like when I'm with him. It's so magical and warming to my soul. I had to have this man as my boyfriend! 
We started dating, and I was so in love. Like a little school girl, I was nervous when he called me and had butterflies in my stomach when I knew he was on his way over. I've never felt something deeper or knee buckling than the feeling i got in the times I had him by my side. I loved him so much that to me he could do no wrong. 
But he didn't treat me right, and I knew this. But I didnt care how much it hurt, I just wanted to be with him. He told me he thought relationships make u weak. I think this is why he never really let himself get close to me. He is so guarded! He wouldn't talk to me everyday, sometimes for days. He wouldn't call me, he wouldn't even return my texts! That takes two seconds. That hurt a lot. I was ignored  and neglected and he saw me on his terms (which was usually late at night after the bar). I kno he works during the day, and likes to go out after, but he went out alone and chats up other women. I know this could be harmless, but again, it hurt. I wanted him with me. Never the less, I was so excited when eventually he did call me. I didn't want to miss a chance to be with him, I even gave him a different ringtone so I knew to pick up if I was sleeping!  His visits were infrequent, but when he did come by, he made me feel so amazing that to me, it was worth all the pain of the neglect. I knew its hard for him to open up so I was being patient with him. But I felt like I was out of sight out of mind when we were apart. I'd send too many msg's with no response and started to feel very insecure about the relationship. It wasn't even much of a relationship at all. 
I snapped one day and he broke things off. I never forgave myself. He tried to cut me out of his life many times. But I keep trying and trying. I still love him. I feel like I understand him. I know he try's to distance himself from women (he's even told me this himself). He gets bored of women fast and doesn't connect emotionally with them. This makes it really really hard for me to try to get him to open up his heart to me. I've loved him 3 yrs now and never could let go. I still MSG him and sometimes see him, but he remains distant. I kno he cares for me but I think he's afraid of commitment in a big way. He was probably lying but once he told me he would have married me after the first month. That stuck in my head like glue. I wanted that so much. I went to his house for Xmas day after dinner and hung out with the family for a bit, and that ment a lot to me. But then wasnt really around again after.He's told me before that he loved me, other times just that he cared for me a lot. He's very confusing and more and more distant.
Eventually i started dating someone else, after first asking him to show me if he loves me. When nothing changed I pursued the other relationship in a attemp to move on. It didn't work. He was still my first thought in the morning and my last thought at night. One night, he found out I was dating someone else when he bumped into me and my then bf. he refused to talk to me after that and said we should cut off all communication. I knew he was upset I was moving on. I knew he cared a lot about me still. That made things harder. I still tried contacting him with no response from him until one night when I broke up with my bf and text him late one night saying I missed him. He was rude to me, but my gf and I still went over for some drinks. He disrespected me yet again, asking me if my gf was single, hot, ect. That hurt but I played along in order to see him. We hung out for a bit and then went home. 
Shortly after, I went on vacation and stayed at his fathers house in another country. He wasn't suppose to be coming this summer, but ended up coming with his mom and brother. Since I was staying at the house, we were forced to spend a week together with the whole family. I was happy to see him but nervous as to how he would act. After a while I think he got used to the idea of me being there and was pleasant for his family's sake. But then he stared holding my hand, kissing me, making sure I was ok and that I understood what the conversations were about (translating to English). We appeared as a couple to everyone in his hometown. I fell in love with him all over again. I had never really moved on. 
He didn't want to talk about "us". But one night we sort of talked and I told him I love him and that he was the sun and the moon to me. That I would have done anything for him. 
I let him kno that when I get back home I have a decision to make. The guy I dated is a super great guy and treats me like a queen, and wants to get back together and marry me. I told him that every time I hear this, all I can think about is him. Not the man that I was dating. I asked him straight up, should I move on? I needed that answered from HIM. He said if I have a good guy at home, try things out. Said that he is a difficult person and things will never be easy with him.  I told him I wanted to be with him and I love him. He didn't want to hear it and gets upset when I am upset. Mad when I cry. Doesnt want to hear it. But even tho this time he was mad I was crying, he let me cry on his shoulder. He's never done that. Then he said that when we get back to our own city we can talk more, and said that he's not saying things will go one way or the other. I gained hope from those words and calmed down. 
I knew why he would go out every night to bars alone, I knew why all his friends on Facebook were women, I knew why I found him on dating sights. He was searching for sex. Lots of sex. I knew it was bad but didn't know how bad. The next day I went to check my email on his laptop, when I went to hotmail, his account was logged in. Only he used a different name and address. I kno I should have logged out right away but upon noticing the different name I glanced at the messages and was surprised to see what I saw. They were all replies from personal adds he's been messaging from Craigslist. I read some of them even tho I knew I shouldn't have.  He travels a LOT and looks up casual encounters in each place he is at and will even travel to these ppl to have sex with them. The messages in his inbox were every day or every second day. And they were so sleazy. He's hooking up with Many, many ppl and i would think every day or so,  or sometimes maybe a few a day. Not only that but he searches for gay men to give him oral, and I hope that's the extent of it. Where I'm from I've heard of him taking a cross dresser home before but I didn't want to believe it and I always joked with him about being gay, but I didn't know it was this bad. I remember him saying that he was done with our city and I think he has slept with as many women as he can there and that's why he travels so much. He's slept with girls not knowing he's slept with them before, or her friend that she's with, ect. He also obviously wants to keep things discrete, because he uses another name, and I also think that's why he travels so much as well. I cried for hours upon reading this. It made me sick. I do think this is sex addiction. I believe he doesn't feel any emotion when he has sex and that he's never fully satisfied from his experiences. He's literally slept with THOUSANDS of women. 
Now this is the tough part. I love him so much I still want to be with him. When i get back to the city and wevtalk, i still want tonhear him say, lets give things another shot. Since he was doing these things while he was single, that is his business. But if we talk, and he says that we can persue a real relationship, do I tell him I found this out and I need for it to stop for us to be together? Or do I trust that he will stop on his own. I thought I would like him to know that I kno and that I still want to work things out, that I love him that much. But if it's an addiction idk if he can. I believe he will just get very mad I read his email and bail on me and never talk to me again because of embarrassment and mistrust. I kno I shouldn't have read it, but when I saw that I couldn't look away. I don't think he will understand that. I think he will leave for just that fact alone. I feel like I should be honest and tell him with the hopes that he will see how much I love him anyways and that I am willing to work things out. Maybe if he knows I kno, he will stop because he will want to be with me? Maybe if I give him that ultimatum after he says we can work on things, then he can be faithful? Or do I keep my mouth shut and move forward without saying a thing about that day? I'm worried about disease. I'm worried about betrayal. I'm worried for his safety. These are things I want to talk to him about, but am too worried he will get mad and end the conversation right there before I get a chance to explain. 
I want to be with him. I DON'T want to give up on love. I know he will come around and open up to me eventually if I go about it the right way. I can see he cares. He just won't let himself get close. Do you think he will change? Can I help him, inspire him to love? What can I do?
Have you ever felt like you've been missing something your whole life? And then finally one day you find "that something" that you feel makes your world complete? Knowing that feeling, then makes it seem impossible to ever be happy letting that "something" slide out of your life again. He's that something I've been searching for and i want him in my life in any and every way possible. I love him regardless of the pain hes caused me, the rivers of tears ive cried for him, the neglect and emotional abuse he bestowed upon me. I know many people who call me crazy for it. But I'm the perfect definition of crazy in love. 

Hun, I felt so saddened when I read this post. I know it seems as if you love him, but I think you know in your heart of hearts that this guy is bad news. He isn't cheating on you with one woman, he is cheating on you with countless women and men. Nothing you do or say will change him, and none of this is your fault. If you want me to be blunt, this guy sounds like a total sleaze and he is not worthy of you.

Therapy can help you to work on your self esteem, which is being destroyed by this guy, and which was probably low initially, or you would not have allowed yourself to be treated in this way. He knows you keep coming back for more, and he has zero respect for you. Please give yourself the respect you deserve, and cut your losses and move on.

This may seem to be difficult, but it can't be any worse than the hellish situation you are in now. Therapy can help you to move forward, and process your emotions. Please also get yourself checked out for any STDs as it sounds like this guy was indulging in high risk behaviour, without any thought about damaging your health.

Honestly, yes I kno I can do better but I just don't want to. I had a man that treated me like gold, and I just couldn't continue things knowing I still had feelings for this man. I believe that after three years, I have felt with so much from him and it hasn't turned me away yet, so I know I'll always have these feelings for him. And as long as I have these feelings for him, I cannot persue another relationship, as that isn't fair to anyone involved. I see past what he does and remember that everyone has good and bad to them and that maybe this mans bad is just a little worse than the next mans, but he still deserves to be loved. I see the good in him and the fun, enjoyable, happy go lucky, side to him.
I know he has to settle down eventually and I want to be there when that time comes. I just want to know what there is that I can possibly do to help him experience love. I kno how deep and amazing of a feeling it can be, and I want to show him how great things can be. To just let me love him and accept me.
There's gotta be hope for us. I'm not the type to easily give up. But I'm afraid of getting hurt all over again. The first time I went into such a dark place that I never thought I would get out of, scared my friends and family. I don't want that again. But with him I'm lifted so high that I'm floating on cloud 9! I've got to find a way to make things work. For his sake and mine. I think we could be so great together, lift each other higher. But I don't know how to open up his heart to me and show him it's ok to feel something real.

You won't be able to fall in love with anyone else right now so just forget about that. You need to stop thinking about him altogether that's the only thing you can do. It feels impossible but you can do it. Let yourself think about him from time to time and eventually the feelings should go away, the strongest feelings. Keep him out of your life. Think about the cheating and how its a character flaw and how he will always cheat even if you get married. There are men out there who want to be with one woman only and they are great guys that you will be passionate about, etc. They are hard to find, but they are out there. Or, there are plenty of guys out there just like him.

Crazynluv,

You are obviously very confused. I think you really need to talk to someone, to slow down your thoughts, stop them from swimming around in your mind and tricking you. Or, write down your thoughts and read them slowly and consider what you are actually saying to yourself.

Think about it. You write this long post about how your heart is being broken, and then you write, near the end:

"He's that something I've been searching for and i want him in my life in any and every way possible."

What? Are you REALLY searching for a man who isn't faithful and loyal?

I hope I'm not being too harsh here, but it sounds like you're addicted to the drama of rejection. Do you feel "safe" in all this, comfortable knowing you'll be disappointed? Do you realize you're inventing your own set of stories and definitions of yourself here? Your story is that you claim to want this man, but you don't want his behaviour. You can't have it all. You can try to build up a fantasy around him, but the truth is, he's trouble with a capital "T," and you know that. So, why do you continue to wish for something you can't have? Are you afraid of the grief you'd have to go through, knowing that this is all a lost cause? Is it all just so much easier to keep clinging to a bunch of notions? Are you afraid of not finding another who your heart truly desires?

Why not clear your mind, stop the chatter and just sit with yourself and let yourself truly feel. I think you'd be surprised at how your mind wants to trick you into believing a story you're inventing. How do you REALLY feel? Deep inside. Can you just sit and not think about this in ways you want to control those thoughts, but let whatever thoughts and emotions surface, and let them go, let them leave you, see them for what they are, just thoughts and feelings? They are NOT you. You don't have to identify with them. Just allow yourself to be. Then let it all go. Move on. Be nice to yourself. Work on yourself, first. Find something passionate to do. Whatever that is. Making art, music, cooking, volunteering for some cause you really care about. You need to find things that make you happy from the inside out. Not from the outside trying to fill a void within you. Then, at the right time, the right man will come along.

Dreaming about a sex addict being true to you, and there for you, is like a fool's paradise. There is good times on earth to discover that actually exist. You just need to clear the past and it's stuff, it's hurts and clutter, find good places to spend your precious time and energy, and be open to receiving some new, and better things.

Best of luck.

You are really a crazy in love with that guy. If that what makes you really happy and contented in life.. pursue it but always love your self more.

Hi Crazynlove

I thought as a guy I could offer some useful and practical advice that may sound harsh, but really it is becos i care after reading your post, i can see you are a sensitive and caring person but you need to face reality.

he is just not that into you.(honestly he doesnt truly care)

if he was he would be and he isnt so he wont.
stop trying every effort you make is just pushing him away anyway, you were like an old jacket that he could come use whenever he wants, or a a handkerchief he can blow his nose on and neglect or throw away at will.

he is not in love with you, never was and never will be.
face this fact and move on.

When guys are in love NOTHING can stop them being at your side, and nothing can come between you.
you will be the sun to his solar system. this man is not it,

while I can appreciate that you are hopelessly in love with him, i also dont think you are 'truly' in love.
i think you are obsessed and his absence feeds a desire to want him more to gain that which is unavailable..

I think you like to love unavailable men - think of how this serves you and then you will realise the truth.

I honestly wish you the best, the way forward is facing the truth and accepting it. and then making new choices.

Crazynlove, you are trapped in an obsessive fantasy. The reality is you are a glutton for punishment and you are not experiencing real love. Real love does not accommodate such one-sidedness. You are filling a dysfunctional void that is a bottomless pit within you. He doesn't seem capable of being a loving partner and it is unlikely he will ever maintain a healthy, monogamous relationship with anyone. Nothing you do or feel for him will change anything about him in that respect. You need to do a reality check and focus on yourself instead of distracting yourself with an obsession. Examine your motives and the truth behind why you pursue such an imbalanced relationship. I have no idea how you will do this but counselling might help. The longer you avoid reality the harder you will fall when you hit rock bottom. How much can you stand?

Also, get yourself checked for STDs. Your health is the first thing to consider.

Take care