Mystery wife issue

There seems to be an issue with my wife that I cannot quite figure out (and it may not be mine to figure out).

We've been married 12 years, and have 2 kids, 5 and 3. We have always had a stable, loving marriage, until recently.

My wife just turned 36, and she seems to all of a sudden grown quiet and distant from me. She told me for a long time that she was having a hard time figuring out who she is, and she had no answers to any of my questions (are we ok? are we going to be together after all of this, etc.). She told me that she just wanted space to think.

I gave her space. For about 2 days. See, I am a fixer, a healer, and I like to talk things out. she on the other hand, is not. She takes things in, works on them herself, and then moves on. I have a hard time with NOT talking about this issue with her. It kills me. And around the hoildays, to boot, is hard. Call me a romantic, I guess.

So, she went to her mothers place right after Christmas for 5 days with my daughters because her sister just had a baby, and she also wanted to talk to her mom about this issue. Unfortunately, she found out that her mom and I had been talking about this issue, soley from the point that I wanted to "plead my case" and also wanted her mom to know what has been going on around our house.

My wife was not happy, and I asked her for forgiveness, and told her that I was not doing it to spite her or go around her, but because I was worried about HER. She seemed to forgive me, but I'm not quite sure, since there seem to also be some trust issues between us, and I can go into those if anyone wants to know.

So, she came back from her mothers place and told me that she is not sure if she wants to be married! Talk about killing my heart. So, she wants to go talk to a priest this weekend, which she is doing tonight, as she will be at her mothers all weekend, and I will watch the kids (her mom's place is about 150 miles away, so she's going to go for the weekend, mostly to talk to the priest and her mom, I'm sure...).

Anyone have anything to shed some light on this? Does it sound like she may be going thru a "midlife crisis" of sorts?

There have never been any issues of abuse of any type between us, nor infidelity, nor any addictions, but there may be some trust issues and perhaps a control preception on her part.

Thanks,

You mention an "issue" that you and her mother have been talking about...does that mean that you know what is going on....just feel at a loss as to how to resolve it? I guess I'm a bit confused by your post. Is it that you don't have a clue what is upsetting your wife...or you know but are frustrated that you feel left out of the process in trying to fix things in your marraige?

My guess is your youngest just started preschool or is about to.
If I'm correct for the past 12 years she's been identified as "your wife" And "your daughters' mother".
When did she have a chance to be herself???
Now the kids are bigger. Your at work and when your at home your less focused on her as a woman than you probably have been in years.

Am I close?

I don't care how "romantic" you think you are.
How romantic does she think you are?
She probably doesn't even feel like a woman let alone feel loved as one.
Yes, it's sort of like a mid-life crisis.
I've gone through a bit of those feelings of not knowing who I am myself. I ended up getting my lip pierced LOL! Well I like it anyway.

My suggestion is you can't do anything but support her emotionally.
You can volunteer to go to marriage counceling with her BUT you can't make her go.
It seems everything she's doing is absolutly normal to me. My self awakening started when I was about 36 too. I can't say your marriage will survive. That will depend on both of you to work on, not just her.

I guarantee (if it is what I went through) she feels like she's been giving until there's nothing left to give and she's just empty. I'm also pretty sure she feels like you've taken all she's had to give and returned very little. She's emotionally starved.
Men are not aware how much energy a woman puts into a relationship.
When we go shopping, we constantly look for ways to please our mate. What would he like to eat best? Oh, does he need that new pair of shoes? I wonder if it would please him if I wore that around the house. I wonder if he's out of his favorite after shave.
The list goes on and on and on!!!
We do this ALL DAY, EVERY DAY!
It's like holding back a river.
Men just don't think that way. If we're not right in your face, your focused on whatever your doing at THAT moment. Your wife tends to be "last on your list for the day".
And that's how we as women feel.
Like we're an afterthought to you.
Like you'll take care of everything else because you know you'll always have time for us later. Only later never comes. By the time your done with your "priorities" your ready for bed. Sometimes you even think we should share our bodies with you before you pass out! You haven't shared anything with us!!!
Understand?


OK this is too much of my own crap.
I bet I'm close to your problem though

Well, lets see here...

The youngest is in pre-school, part time, and my wife works part time. My wife has a very successful part-time position, but she wants to go back full time because she wants to do more at work. She feels the need to "move up" to management or have more of a challenge, and I am TOTALLY supportive of it.

As a matter of fact, I have always been supportive of everything she has done, from massage therapy school to some issues we had having kids (I went to every appointment), to the latest of going back for her Physical Therapy degree. No matter what it's been, I've been supportive.

As for what happens around the house, I do a lot of stuff around the house (except iron...), and I do a lot with my children. I do most all the cooking, the outside stuff, I spend a lot of time with my kids, I do their baths and help with homework, I get them off to school 3 days a week, etc.

As for "romance" and focusing on her as a woman, I *thought* that I was providing everything she needed. I do a lot of stuff just for her, like massage her feet, spend time with her, take some of the burden off of her with the kids, etc.

I think that I have put a lot of time into the relationship, quite a bit as a matter of fact. I want to go out and do stuff with her, just she and I, so that we can continue to grow together.

Perhaps the only issue is that she does not get time to go out with just her friends. I know that in the few cases where EITHER of us has gone out, it's been her, and she has gone out with her friends, and I've wanted to go out with her (in the one case), but I did not, as there were not going to be any spouses at this event. I was a little hurt by that, since when we did get a chance to go do something, she did not want to do it with me, and that hurt.

She tells me that I am a great father and a great husband.

My wife is never "last on the list". As a matter of fact, I've sent her flowers at work, put special notes in her lunch, sent her emails telling her how much I love her, done special projects around the house at her request, etc.

Heck, when I do the grocery shopping, I buy her things that are HER favorite. When I cook dinner on Sunday, I ask her what SHE wants.

She is Catholic, and I am Lutheran, and they are not too far apart. However, I have made strides to go to the Catholic church of her choice, because we both agree that we and our children need God in our lives.

I know one thing that I have notice lately is that she has been using a lot more "creams"... anti-wrinkle, etc. She works out a lot (that is her "out" and how she blows off steam), and takes really good care of herself. Although a lot of the people in her family and mine think that she is "too thin", she is correct in saying that she is at her ideal weight for her height and body size, and I support her need to work out a lot.

I just don't get it.

I love her more than anything on this world, and I want nothing more than for us as a family to be happy.

I am a child of divorce, and it was no fun at all. I was 3 when it happened, and I blamed myself for the divorce till I was at least 11. I had a very hard time with it. I worry about my daughters having to go thru this, as my 5 year old can FEEL emotions. She can feel if I've had a bad day at work when I get home, even if I come in with a smile on my face.


As for the issue that her mom and I were discussing, it seems to be that she feels smothered. I'm not sure what that means, but perhaps that is part of this whole issue of not knowing who she is.

Advice on how to handle this?

I know that when she comes back tomorrow night, I'm not going to bother her about her discussion with the priest, nor anything about what she talked to her mom about. I know that she needs space, and I'm going to let her come to me.

IF you have any more questions that you would like me to answer, please don't hesitate to ask.

so...you guys got married when she was 24? How long did you date before that.....did she do a lot of dating before you guys met?

She's 36....I wouldn't say it's necessarily a mid-life crisis....but it does sound like she's at a point in her life where she feels things are missing....wants more.....sounds like she is doing a lot of self analyzing...looking at where she has come in life...comparing that to what she thought she'd have for herself at this point in life. Sounds like you provide her a very wonderful relationship.....and it might not be about you at all but really just all about her.

Most woman would adore having such a loving and giving and supportive husband as your post leads me to believe you are. But if she's at this point where she's analyzing herself so intensely....I can see where she might feel smothered.

I'm not sure really what to advise...but I think it's wrong of her to leave you out of this process.....to shut you out ....I think counseling would be a good thing for her....for both of you. she's reacting to her emotions and not making you a part of the process....problem....or solution....she's jumping to want to divorce w/out giving you the benefit of telling you her feelings or allowing you a chance to try and resolve. I think you need to assert yourself some here and although being supportive to what she's going through.....make it clear that you can't be left out of the process. Talk to her about how this is affecting you and maybe mention counseling so that you can both work at this together rather then her taking it all on her own as though you have nothing to do w/ this.

Beyond that...I'm not sure what else to suggest.

We dated for about 3 years before getting married. We both dated a number of people before getting married, her more than me, but we knew that when we found each other, we were quite happy and really did not want anything else.

I agree with you that she probably wants more out of life, especially her career. I know that her boss at her job location is moving to the corporate office, and my wife feels that she should have his job, but because she is not a physical therapist, she cannot take the job. I know that THAT really bums her out, and that is when she thought about going back to PT school, and I was supportive about that to the point of saying "well, lets sit down and see if we can pull it off", however I knew that it would be almost impossible, as we could not do it financailly, but I NEVER mentioed that. Remember, I'm supportive.

I agree, as with most other people that know of this issue, that it's wrong that she NOT include me in what's going on with her. Heck, if there are multiple things, including our relationship (if she has issues with us), let's fix the things that are going to give her the ability to work out the other things. I guess I mean, fix us and then I can be the support she needs to fix the other stuff.

I don't think she wants a divorce. I don't think she knows what she wants. I've told her about what divorce does to not just the kids, but all of us, and she seems to think that the girls would be fine! Whoah!

I wonder if she is in a big-time "me" mode right now. Does it sound like that?

You're right, Angel, when you say that she does not tell me her feelings or emotions. She has not said much. She is pretty good at stone walling me on this one, and I'm not sure why.

I've told her that it is affecting me, how I cannot sleep, I've lost a lot of weight, and I don't like a lot of the things I used to.

I did go to the Catholic church that she likes and ask for names of faith-based marriage counselors, and I told her that I had done that, and she did not seem opposed to it.

I'm trying everything that I think would show her my love and support for her. Now, I think I just need to back off of her and let her figure it out.

I just wonder if my bugging her so much has led to the feelings of not wanting to be married. Perhaps I compounded any tiny feelings about issues with our relationship with the bugging and talking to her mom.


Aargh!

Thanks for your input.

Well, the ladies said it all, from witchygurl (LOL boy do I get that one) to Angel. I believe that communication is key here and she does need to be more open. If she is considering divorce, I would be most concerned about exactly what was wrong that would push her to such an extreme. Heck, I keep considering divorcing my husband, but he had an intense emotional affair that he was going to leave me over and won't stop contacting the girl (just "friends" of course)....but that at least is a good reason. If you are really as supportive and helpful as you say, the only thing I see wrong is a lack of intimacy (communicaton) apparently on her part. Wish I could be more helpful.

don't be mad at my asking...remember I can only go off what you post....but is it at all possible that there is someone else for her? I know you said earlier there are no infedelity issues for you guys...but are you 100% sure? Sadly....even in the best marraiges....it can happen and blindside the spouse who thought things were so perfect. Maybe she has met someone else and is contemplating her feelings for that person....maybe she has already compromised your marriage for someone else.....not sure...but her actions that you speak of are concerning. You paint a picture of someone taking a very good, loving, supportive, etc. relationship and just giving up on it. for what though? Well...obviously that is your question.

Her attitude concerning your daughters and how divorce, in her mind, would be such a little deal to them, concerns me greatly. She's given much thought to being on her own I'd say.

I have to agree w/ your friends that have said she's being very selfish right now. Whether this has nothing to do w/ you and all to do w/ her....or whether she feels you and something you have done or a way you act in the marraige...whatever her reasons are behind all of this.....she needs to include you in on how she feels if she expects any resolve. By shutting you out...avoiding conversations and your attempts to get to the heart of all of this....yes....she is indeed being very selfish. Or so that's my opinion based on what you've presented thus far. Again...outside looking in here!

I really don't know what to suggest to you. It sounds like you've been trying many of the right ways to tackle this. When you ask her what she needs or wants from you during this "time"....what does she say?

What about a trial seperation while you seek couples counseling? I guess that would be one extreme option. But maybe she needs to see what being on her own really means??? I wouldn't rush to suggest divorce. Just time apart, seperate dwellings. She appears to be shutting you out so much now as it is.

I'm sorry. I don't have good advice on this one. You have two young daughters to keep n mind. If you consider a seperation period...obviously that will impact your children and you have to take that into account. I guess for now......well ask her flat out if you can schedule a counseling session. I wouldn't let this go on too long w/out doing something...meaning....I wouldn't just set back and do nothing for too long. Giving her space is one thing....but give too much and that worsens the problem too.

I don't know how much blame you have to shoulder in this. It sounds like you are doing everything you can to find out not only what the problems are...but making every effort to fix them.

Well, with regards to there being someone else, I don't know. I kinda doubt it, but you never know. I don't know what the heck else she could want out of someone, unless she wants someone to treat her like crap... which I doubt.

Perhaps she is being tempted by someone else. I mean, anything is possible, right?

When it comes to any type on intamacy, and I mean just kissing her nice, giving her a hug, spooning in bed (which I love to do), putting my hand on her leg or her shoulder when we are talking about this issue, she really seems to shy away. She almost pulls away. Any insight on that? Furthermore, it's not like I'm climbing on top of her, trying to thrust myself upon her.

Her faither passed away when she was quite young, and her mother raised 4 girls and 2 boys on her own. Her mother, whom I have a FANTASTIC relationship with, is very strong, and did a pretty good job, but seemed to be pretty miserable and lonely for her whole life. I wonder if that has anything to do with my wife's idea of being able to do it all on her own.

I've read that children have different feelings and cope differently when a parent is deceased vs. divorced. I would assume that is true, as typically children see arguing and anger or tensison in the household as their fault.

That is one thing which we are making sure of. We don't do any discussing of this in front of the kids. Nothing. Even when I am frustrated, we keep them out of this.

Again, I just wish she would tell me what the deal is with she and I, and believe me, I could change behaviors or whatever to accomodate. One thing my step-father always said was my strong point was that I have always been able to adapt to a situation that I was thrust into. Be it a new school, visiting strangers on vacation (some odd family down south... ) etc.

I'm not too keen on the separation idea. I don't know what the impact would be on the girls. That, alone, scares me.

See, we still sleep in the same bed, fix each other meals, etc. It's not like she hates me. When I ask her if she still loves me, she says yes. When I ask her if she even cares what she's doing to me, she says "Of course I do!" and tells me that she knows she is hurting me and she does not like to.

Sheesh.

Time to fix the kids lunch.

Can someone wave the magic wand and fix this please? Pretty please?

If I could I would, and fix mine too!!! I hate that "I know I am hurting you and I'm sorry" line. So they should just STOP IT.