My girlfriend is insecure and nags me constantly

I am 30 years old working in a IT major. I'm in relationship with a girl since one and a half years. Although she was my college junior, we never got a chance to talk while in college. We started talking online, then progressed on to phone calls and finally started meeting up when she fought with her family and came to my city on pretext of finding a job, though she didn't even attend one interview during the couple of months that she stayed here. She came to my place a few times and we did have some intimate moments, but always stopped short of actually having sex. She is traditional and I didn't want to push it with her.

But things started deteriorating ever since. I always tried to be honest with her and used to tell her everything. She started getting insecure to the point of paranoia. The time I realized this was 6-7 months before. She would ask me questions about girls in my office, or about the past relationships I had with other girls. At first I was ok with it, but soon it started getting annoying as we would hardly talk about anything else! She took this as a further confirmation of her fears that I was trying to avoid talking about it as I had something to hide. This got so worse that for she would cry for hours on phone and her mental and physical health starting getting worse. I tried to comfort her; told her that I had nobody in my life except her, which is true. There might be some mistake from my side in the fact that I did not understand her emotions fully at times and may be did some things which gave her a feeling that I didn't love her deeply enough!

Her family got concerned about her health and asked her to come. After a lot of protests and tears she finally gave in and went to her native place. But her condition did not improve. I tried my best to console her; thinking it was due to stress that she had endured in her earlier life. She never had close friends and thinks all boys are cheats. She claimed that I was different so she came for me. She had lived a troubled life with her brother bedridden with terminal illness. She never had any physical abuse but the childhood and early youth were troubled. She always felt alone and has a fear of happiness. I think she feels every happy moment that she gets has a hidden dark side to it. Even if it's not there she tries hard to find it (or in her words, to make sure that happiness is genuine!). She keeps hunting till she finds something (real or imaginary!).

She's broken up with me more than 10 times in the past two months, swearing never to call me again. But she'll call me in a few hours again, cry and say how sorry she is. After spending a couple of hours on phone crying and getting me emotional, she'll be ok. But it's short lived. Again she'll call me and start asking questions about who I spend time with and what is happening with girls in my office! This gets to be a cyclic process where she'll curse me, blame me for ruining her life, cry, say sorry, promise not to repeat this again and so on. I generally don't say much during such calls although at times I snap and yell at her. I have tried all I could but looks like I can't really take it any more. My life is in turmoil, my job is getting affected, I'm not able to make any moves with my career plans or my other interests (I am an amateur musician and an artist and like to spend some time there but she doesn't leave me any!) and I'm stressed generally. I said I wanted to break up with her as this relationship is making both of us miserable. She started crying and said she will die without me. I had to spend the whole day comforting her as I couldn't stand to see her in so much pain. ... I don't know what to do! I no longer see a happy future together, but I am scared to leave her as to what she might do! Please help

P.S. : I apologize for this lengthy letter but I didn't know what else to do!

Your girlfriend has had a lot of uncertainty in her life, and it sounds as if her entire childhood centered around the imminent loss of her brother. This was an expected loss, and perhaps it set the precedent for all her future relationships, causing her to expect loss. This is tragic and terribly sad, but it is not your fault.

She's broken up with me more than 10 times in the past two months, swearing never to call me again. But she'll call me in a few hours again, cry and say how sorry she is. After spending a couple of hours on phone crying and getting me emotional, she'll be ok. But it's short lived. Again she'll call me and start asking questions about who I spend time with and what is happening with girls in my office! This gets to be a cyclic process where she'll curse me, blame me for ruining her life, cry, say sorry, promise not to repeat this again and so on. I generally don't say much during such calls although at times I snap and yell at her. I have tried all I could but looks like I can't really take it any more. My life is in turmoil, my job is getting affected, I'm not able to make any moves with my career plans or my other interests (I am an amateur musician and an artist and like to spend some time there but she doesn't leave me any!) and I'm stressed generally. I said I wanted to break up with her as this relationship is making both of us miserable. She started crying and said she will die without me. I had to spend the whole day comforting her as I couldn't stand to see her in so much pain. ... I don't know what to do! I no longer see a happy future together, but I am scared to leave her as to what she might do! Please help

You have done all you can to reassure her, to no avail. In some ways it's as if she's created a self fulfilling prophecy, and has pushed you away, ironically by the very fear that you will leave. Things have now escalated to a point where your life is being affected, your career plans are affected, and you can't be autonomous and pursue any interests. This isn't a healthy situation for either of you. Sadly, the only person who can help her to help herself is a qualified therapist as it sounds as if her problems and fears of abandonment are very deep rooted. She is scared to take responsibility for her feelings and happiness, and has pushed this onto you, by saying she will 2die" without you. This is forcing you to stay, not out of love or willingness, but out of guilt and a misplaced sense of duty. You are not responsible for her health or her happiness. Only she can be responsible. She can't learn how to take responsibility until she confronts all her painful emotions, with the help of a professional. All you can do is tell her parents of your concerns, advise her to get therapy, speak to her doctor if necessary and rebuild your own life, perhaps by seeking therapy to yourself as it sounds as if you have been affected by this. If she is in crisis whilst actually talking to you, and says she feels suicidal, then you will need to call the emergency services.

Dear friends

I like My girlfriend is insecure and nags me constantly very much.

Very useful for me. I want share some my ideals. I'll share soon again.

Rgs

chu082011 wrote:Dear friends

I like My girlfriend is insecure and nags me constantly very much.

Very useful for me. I want share some my ideals. I'll share soon again.

Rgs

*mod edit*

You have to look out for yourself in this situation. Concerning yourself over her feelings is a way for her to manipulate you. I was married to a woman like this...her insecurities were terrible. Insanely jealous, went through my personal stuff to find "proof" of infidelities, accusations, then for awhile, when i did what she wanted she'd be good for awhile and then it would all start over again.
When we were separated, I tried to "let he down easy" tried to support her as much as a could but all that did was prolong my own misery, looking back I would have simply RAN had i had to do it all over again.
Over time, her insecurities are going to leave YOU insecure, second-guessing yourself and basically turn you into a basket case.
Take my advice and leave her problems to the doctors and FLEE!
It won't get better.