What do you do when your boyfriend feels he can do better?

My boyfriend (ex boyfriend) was locked up for 10 years. were together for the last 2 years of his sentence and i stood by him when no one else did. When he got out i immediately noticed a change in him. we were good for about a month until we had an argument atthe movie theatre and after that he did a complete 180 and turned cold, cruel and vindictive ( distance, irritability, disrespectful hurtful words, no affection etc) all the way up to the bitter end where we got into another argument, he humiliated me when i tried to reconcile (didnt want me to touch him, talk to him etc) and then broke up with me. After the break-up a mutual friend who was also locked up with him asked him why he broke up with me and how could he be so cruel to the person that helped you and stood by him at his lowest point in life. He told him i was beautiful, educated and loyal. My exes response was "man, i can do better than that" I dont understand how i all of a sudden wasn't good enough!
Now he wants nothing to do with me and its as if i never existed and the pain from knowing all of that us unbearable.

Advice/Opinions please!

I dont understand how i all of a sudden wasn't good enough!

Please re read those words. Hun, by treating you badly this guy has practically BRAINWASHED you into believing this. This is not true. On the contrary, he is not good enough for YOU.

It sounds as if your self esteem has taken a real knock by this guy, who from the sound of it, is bad news. Please concentrate on yourself, on working on your shattered self esteem, perhaps with the help of a therapist. He has been abusive towards you, and I promise you, in time you will look back on this and realise what a lucky escape you had. You are worth more than this.

What do you do when your boyfriend feels he can do better?

Dump his ass because clearly you can do better.

If he was different after he got out of jail then that is what the problem is. He was using someone while he was in jail. His circumstances have changed and now there is more available to him. He doesn't mean "do better" than you. He just means he can find someone more compatible. No one is better than you, you just weren't for him. You will find someone else and hopefully they will make you happy.

Hi ruby -

Sorry he hurt your self-esteem so badly.

It is possible you fell in love with a sociopath. I am slightly curious why he was in jail, but even that's a potential rat-hole because sociopaths tend not to tell the truth, so whatever you've heard as to what happened from him, if he is a sociopath, odds are good you didn't hear the full truth.

Not that it helps much to know that. Many of us have fallen for someone who lacks empathy for others, who were blind to the true nature of the person we fell for. It still all feels very real and hurts just as much if not more, but on an intellectual level it can be helpful to know the truth.

Though I can't relate to being in prison and the effect that would have on someone who is not a sociopath, some people in jail are there because in or out of jail, they have no empathy for others.

Sociopaths perceive others as objects, things to be used in or out of prison. They can be incredibly charming and convincing, but deep down it's all just a game to get what they want in the moment. Other people are of no more valuable to them then a pair of shoes. Shoes wear out and can be replaced. I am stereotyping, exaggerating, but it's true to enough of a degree that most normal people really can't comprehend what they are dealing with. They keep thinking there must be a person who cares in there somewhere, but it's just not true.

The thing is if he is a sociopath, from another point of view, you are now a very fortunate person to be free of him. You really don't want a sociopath in your life. It's a game that cannot be won. A sociopath will tear your life apart and not give it a second thought what it is doing to you. True sociopaths have 24/7/356 practice manipulating others. Impossible to keep up with, or out manipulate them. All you can do is protect yourself, and mostly that means keeping them at a distance and out of your life.

Being hurt by someone with no empathy for others still hurts, and bruises our self-esteem, but it's also a life lesson we can use going forward to improve our self-esteem. Be happy you came to no harm. Most people's egos really have them believing that the sociopath they are in love with would never hurt them, that they are special. True sociopaths don't care about any of that. They are simply calculating how useful others are to them, and how long they wish to maintain the illusion of caring because of how they are benefiting from others. The thing about that is, a sociopath will deny even that truth because maintaining the illusion of caring benefits them. If you got involved with a sociopath, you have just won the lottery that he is gone, out of your life, and left you relatively unscathed!

If he is a sociopath, you can do better

xdude wrote:Hi ruby -

Sorry he hurt your self-esteem so badly.

It is possible you fell in love with a sociopath. I am slightly curious why he was in jail, but even that's a potential rat-hole because sociopaths tend not to tell the truth, so whatever you've heard as to what happened from him, if he is a sociopath, odds are good you didn't hear the full truth.

Not that it helps much to know that. Many of us have fallen for someone who lacks empathy for others, who were blind to the true nature of the person we fell for. It still all feels very real and hurts just as much if not more, but on an intellectual level it can be helpful to know the truth.

Though I can't relate to being in prison and the effect that would have on someone who is not a sociopath, some people in jail are there because in or out of jail, they have no empathy for others.

Sociopaths perceive others as objects, things to be used in or out of prison. They can be incredibly charming and convincing, but deep down it's all just a game to get what they want in the moment. Other people are of no more valuable to them then a pair of shoes. Shoes wear out and can be replaced. I am stereotyping, exaggerating, but it's true to enough of a degree that most normal people really can't comprehend what they are dealing with. They keep thinking there must be a person who cares in there somewhere, but it's just not true.

The thing is if he is a sociopath, from another point of view, you are now a very fortunate person to be free of him. You really don't want a sociopath in your life. It's a game that cannot be won. A sociopath will tear your life apart and not give it a second thought what it is doing to you. True sociopaths have 24/7/356 practice manipulating others. Impossible to keep up with, or out manipulate them. All you can do is protect yourself, and mostly that means keeping them at a distance and out of your life.

Being hurt by someone with no empathy for others still hurts, and bruises our self-esteem, but it's also a life lesson we can use going forward to improve our self-esteem. Be happy you came to no harm. Most people's egos really have them believing that the sociopath they are in love with would never hurt them, that they are special. True sociopaths don't care about any of that. They are simply calculating how useful others are to them, and how long they wish to maintain the illusion of caring because of how they are benefiting from others. The thing about that is, a sociopath will deny even that truth because maintaining the illusion of caring benefits them. If you got involved with a sociopath, you have just won the lottery that he is gone, out of your life, and left you relatively unscathed!

If he is a sociopath, you can do better

your post is over the top. psychopaths aren't always "calculating" how much they can milk out of a person before ditching him/her. it's more like losing interest when the relationship ceases to provide value, kind of like what others do but it happens easier due to the lack of deep emotional attachment. Even psychopathic serial killers can be good partners if they get along with and like someone. for instance, Leonard lake wrote in his private diary that he loved his ex wife and she'd be provided for as long as he was alive. they continued to see each other and had a good relationship till he died.

sometimes when you spend time with a person in a relationship situation, it's a disappointment. Their mannerisms grate on your nerves, communication doesn't flow, & you just don't mesh like you'd expected. one or both partners may think this, but it doesn't matter which...one is enough to make the relationship hopeless. that's what happened here. the solution is to find someone else.

Little Boy Lost wrote:your post is over the top. ....

No LBL, it is not over the top. What you don't know is I spent nearly a decade working with sociopaths.

I'm sure you've seen the game of poker. The thing about poker is that the best players have no tells. The best way to have no tells? Really believe your own bluff.

Even sociopaths are dishonest with themselves when necessary to improve their own game.

Someone much smarter than me shook some sense into me and made me see it for what it is.

Sociopaths also lie to themselves, but the one thing they won't do? The place they are terrified of and can't go? To feel true empathy for others, not just out of personal benefit, but just cause. It's when they have the strength to go there, which most cannot, will not, refuse to do, cause to go there would mean to fell guilt/remorse for so many past hurts done, but that is where sociopaths must go if there is even the slightest hope. Until then, no sociopaths don't get to choose empathy when it suits them. Sorry. No. Called out. BS.

And those in relationships with sociopaths need to see the truth about what they are dealing with and stop making excuses and coddling them, because sociopaths coddle nobody unless they are benefiting. Fact. Truth!

p.s. I did point out that no normal person can out manipulate a sociopath. From a certain point of view that can be viewed as an ego stroke. We just cannot. The sociopath will always win!

xdude wrote:No LBL, it is not over the top. What you don't know is I spent nearly a decade working with sociopaths.

you usually don't see everything a man has to offer when he's locked up and you're one of his keepers. besides i gave the example of Leonard lake and it was just one person he treated differently. his brother? killed him to steal the disability he got from the state. best friend who was best man at his wedding? killed him to steal his identity. he wrote in his diary it was easy to kill his brother and that he had no remorse. the other guy survived the first attempt by diluting the poison with his huge fat body, so lake invited him back and shot him. he just wrote he was a chore to move then went on to a more important topic. he killed whole families. i saw a video of him taunting one woman after he'd killed her infant. he said in his journal that whatever caused most people to develop consciences failed in case. the wife though was an emotional subject for him.

I'm sure you've seen the game of poker. The thing about poker is that the best players have no tells. The best way to have no tells? Really believe your own bluff.

she was not the romantic type. he didn't have to fool her. from what he wrote, it seemed passionate. they were divorced but they started seeing each other regularly again. he wrote like a heartbroken man before they reunited and he was having consensual sex with others. He was very charming and he had success with the opposite sex his whole life. he probably missed her because he bonded with her. he wrote he was in love in a diary he thought nobody else would ever see and he acted like he was in love. he was in love. that's the most reasonable conclusion

Even sociopaths are dishonest with themselves when necessary to improve their own game.

we're all dishonest with ourselves. that's part of being human.

Someone much smarter than me shook some sense into me and made me see it for what it is.

i keep an open mind. i don't assume because someone is an x then he can't possibly be F no matter how much evidence there is.personally, i have never loved. i don't know what it feels like. when i was being evaluated, i was asked to explain the difference between love for a romantic partner and a good friendship. i couldn't. i said i kiss and hug my partner and we have sex. i was sitting there thinking about it and i just didn't know. it wanted to go onto the next one because it was hopeless, but i thought it was kind of right (physical affection is related).

i am person not a label. so was leonard lake. he was a unique individual with a complex personality like any other human being. From the perspective of a forensic evaluator, he was an extremely sadistic narcissistic psychopath with comorbid schizoid personality disorder and paranoid ideation that was delusional, although, he was non-psychotic and a meticulous planner. a very dangerous man but a man. we are all so much more than our diagnoses. People are different in subtle ways and a diagnosis is not subtle. no one conforms to a diagnosis every moment, in every case, never an exception. clinical psychopathy that's at the high end of the scale (closer to a perfect 40 than the 30 needed to diagnose) doesn't mean he couldn't love tthe woman like the evidence strongly indicates.

your error is you're thinking about people like they have the depth and nuance of a cardboard cutout because they many psychopathic traits. in the real world, it's not like that.

Sociopaths also lie to themselves, but the one thing they won't do? The place they are terrified of and can't go? To feel true empathy for others, not just out of personal benefit, but just cause. It's when they have the strength to go there, which most cannot, will not, refuse to do, cause to go there would mean to fell guilt/remorse for so many past hurts done, but that is where sociopaths must go if there is even the slightest hope. Until then, no sociopaths don't get to choose empathy when it suits them. Sorry. No. Called out. BS.

everyone chooses when to have empathy. if you had the same empathy for strangers as someone dear to you, that would be weird. i read that normal people can kill their empathy if it's unwanted by consciously focusing on themselves. there's even a name for this phenomenon. as for lake, he missed her when they weren't together, he did not abuse her, and he was determined to make sure she'd be taken care of financially. i dunno if he felt bad for her when she stubbed her toe but that other stuff is way more important.

i am surprised you think lack of empathy is caused by being afraid to feel sympathy or remorseful. there is a significant psychobiological component to feeling empathy and we all have different degrees of empathic sensitivity. on one end of the spectrum there are people who can be moved to tears by reading about a stranger's tragic misfortune. on the other, leonard lake.

i am unempathic. the shrink who assessed me said i not only lack it, i don't know what it is beyond the most superficial definition. i don't agree that i don't even know what it is but maybe i didn't then. i have read a lot since then. i have seen people hurt and consciously tried imagining how i would feel if it were me (think ing like this is totally foreign to me and i have to consciously try to). it did not work. i could not feel their pain or feel anything unpleasant as a result of their suffering.

And those in relationships with sociopaths need to see the truth about what they are dealing with and stop making excuses and coddling them, because sociopaths coddle nobody unless they are benefiting. Fact. Truth!

you make wanting to benefit sound bad. if your relationship is a damaging cancer in your life, you're doing it wrong. every healthy person will get away from a bad relationship that's not a net plus.

s. I did point out that no normal person can out manipulate a sociopath. From a certain point of view that can be viewed as an ego stroke. We just cannot. The sociopath will always win!

lol what BS. psychopaths can be manipulated like everyone else. you have to use different tactics than with a regular Joe but it's equally easy.

LBL -

There are a lot of ways I could answer. Let me try like this. A part of me feels pity for those with ASPD issues because I can't imagine what it is like to feel little/no empathy most of the time, in some cases seemingly never.

From the OP's point of view though, it is a possibility she got involved with such a person. If so, even though it hurts in the short-term to accept, it's easier in the long term not to hold on to false hopes. Many of us have been in relationships with someone who lacked empathy to such an extreme degree we couldn't fathom what we were dealing with. We kept attributing emotional traits to the other person which were part of our own personality, but mostly/entirely lacking in the person we fell for.

Accepting the situation for what it is has two benefits -

1.) We don't keep banging our heads against the same wall expecting a different long term result.

2.) It's hard to lose someone who really did/does care about us and how we felt during the relationship. It is easier to let go of someone who only really cared about what we did for them. Someone who can so easily toss the relationship aside when a better 'deal' comes along. It's still an ego bruise to accept, but it allows us to look back on all that happened and see it in a new, and less painful light.

Since this is the OP's thread, and she is looking for support, I encourage her to read up a bit on ASPD (searching for sociopath/psychopath will also turn up articles). Consider if she got involved with a person who fundamentally lacks empathy. Just because someone is in jail doesn't mean they are an ASPD type, but there is significant enough percentage of jail population that is, it is reasonable to consider. Reading stories of other people's attempts and failures of having a healthy, happy relationship with such a person is enlightening if nothing else, and from my own personal experience, healing.

X

i wasn't trying to get the TS to stay in this non-relationship. i said to move on in my initial post, so i expect she dropped this guy by now.

my objection was to making assumptions about what it's possible for a person to experience because s/he has a PD. Resorting to reducing someone who hurt you to a caricature is a defense mechanism that indicates poor coping and mental wellbeing that is not what it could be. i had an ex who accused me of stalking and harassment. i seriously had no clue what she meant. that doesnt mean i had to demonize her. i laughed it off and dismissed her from my life. In truth, she has a few psychological problems or did. she could make a certain kind of guy very happy if she can improve herself here and there. i can accept that. I have a healthy outlook on relationships.i tried injecting some of that into the thread in para. 2 of my 1st post.

if you're looking for someone to pity, pity the poor saps who bear the curse of conscience. they have to follow rules that were brainwashed into them or something inside of them will make them suffer. Are you familiar with a clockwork orange? remember when alex is unable to choose to do bad because he'd get sick? they robbed him of his free will and with it his humanity. his own body was the tool of oppression that make him more of a slavish drone than an autonomous human being. Conscience is equivalent functionally but the victim's mind will punish him instead.