Is my sexual past a deal breaker?

After realising recently that I don't wish to continue having any casual encounters I counted and my number of sexual partners is about 32.

I am 26. Female. I am looking to form a long term relationship and get married and have a family. I am not sure how long it will take to find my man but I'd like to be in this situation by the time I am 32!

I have recognised that my past behaviour was due to issues that I had and have been working on them. I am in therapy and have a huge amount of self awareness as to why I didn't mind having casual sex. I am now on a 6 month - 12 month minimum brake of dating and NO SEX. As I do not believe that I am in the right place yet to attract the right person.

MY question to anyone (especially men) is:

Is my sexual past going to affect my chances>? Is it a big deal breaker?
Would you turn me down if you knew how many people I'd been with before?

how would they know?

that's not that many... I'm at 31 or 32 as well and I'm 27 and I don't feel that there's anything wrong with that.... I know plenty of people my age who have slept with, like, double that amount lol

Everyone has a past. No one can change their past, but they can use their past in a constructive way to learn and grow as a person. It sounds as if you're already doing that through therapy. What matters now is how you use the present time to its full potential, and to influence your future. Any guy who forms judgements on you because of the things that you did in the past, and fails to see the person that you are today isn't worth your time. Your past is your own business, no on else's, and you have the power to choose what you reveal. If you meet a guy who you feel would form biased judgements, then he has his own issues and expectations of how women "should" be, probably based on a double standard as to what is "acceptable" behaviour for women, and honestly such a guy really isn't worth your time.

@brook

I would not be forthright with this information, but if they asked me outright and their intentions were pure then I would not want to lie. This is my issue!

@Masquerade

I do agree on most of those points. Most people would say that they would not judge. But the more men I ask the more will admit that it would play on their mind. Not all would be set against it after they find out, but it is an issue for them. It shoots their man ego - she's likely to have had better sex before! shock horror!

Nattykr -

I don't believe there is any single answer to this that will satisfy everyone.

It could be that you will meet a man who has chosen to limit sexual experiences, and feels strongly that sex is something to be shared only with someone he has a deep connection with. For that kind of man it could be an issue, should you choose to reveal your past. I wrote 'could' because even then, what is past is past, and plenty of men can look beyond the past to the present and future.

I do think though if you meet a man who has a double standard that you are well within your rights to see it for what it is, a double standard.

I'll probably get beat up over it, but the reality is we people do judge each other over our past. For example, many people would refuse to date an ex-convict, or an ex sex-worker, or... well you get the idea. Why does the past matter? Pretty simple I think. Every relationship is a gamble. People do tend to weigh a person's past in their mind when deciding their risk of relationship failure/success in the future.

Personally I think sex is strictly a personal choice, but by the same regard, it would be foolish to pretend that a person's past, if revealed, doesn't have an effect on how others feel. I don't see any problem with people having had many sexual partners, but likewise, I see no problem with people who limit sexual partners. Both are personal choices, and neither is right/wrong as such, but all people have a right to make their choices. You also have the right not to reveal your past.

When it comes to double standards though, that's an indication of a relationship that has already started off on the wrong foot.

Anyway I wouldn't worry about it. Follow your heart and hopefully you find a man who appreciates you for who you are now and in the future

Best wishes,

X

Your sexual partner count is not that high for someone our age. My fiance, when I first met him (he was 25 and I was 23) had not had a girlfriend since he was 16. She ripped his heart out to be blunt, and since then he did not want to date. He had many casual encounters, never wanting to be tied down. That is until he met me... I honestly don't know what was different about me but he decided that he did not want to have casual encounters anymore. Before I started to sleep with him, I made him give me a loose sexual history... which he gave too much info! lol. Anyways it didn't really bother me that he had had a lot of partners. Once I got him to get a sexual health check we were able to stop using condoms and it has been smooth sailing since. I wouldn't worry too much about how many sexual partners you've had. The break that you are taking is a great idea for anyone honestly. Sometimes women just need a break from men period! Just take your time and find a great guy

Thanks for the replies

But it does seem to be different for men than women. It seems that women are more accepting of lots of sexual partners than men are. The double standard is not nice, but is alive and well with most of the population it seems.

I most certainly won't get with someone who truly believes in the double standard...I just want to feel that they exist! lol

I personally believe that if you have learnt from your mistakes and experiences than you should be judged in the now and not the past.

Gday ,

im a 29 yo male, from reading your post i can say that you have a great attitude and the fact that you are already sensitive to a potential partener and thinking about them rather than yourself shows that you are very tuned in person. I think all the stuff your doing such as working through your issues and 6 month sex ban are all great, and i can only speak for myself but i really dont think most guys will mind , i know i wouldnt. Anywayz good luck and the man who does catch u will be one lucky fella!

Nattykr,

For some men there is a double-standard, and for some there isn't. In your original post you asked if your history will hurt your chances with some men - sure it will. But so will things like your height and your hair color. You probably wouldn't want to be in a relationship with a man who was constantly complaining about how you're just not the height that he likes. Your history is what it is - like your height, you can't change it. But the men you find who won't judge you are most likely going to be more mature, and will definitely treat you better because they will love and respect you for who you are.