Is my sexual past a deal breaker?

Nattykr wrote:So concentrating on myself is what I am and have been doing. I'll admit a slip up recently, but I've addressed that now and taking action.

What did you slip up with recently? Did you lose concentration on working on yourself, or are you referring to having casual sex again?

Some people are born with higher sex drives than others. And, some people kind of feel like they're recharging their batteries after sex, especially when it's with someone new and they get a glow off of the body's chemicals, especially all the pheromones. While others like sex because it is a form of escape and can be a compulsion if not checked.

Sex can be harmful if it interferes with the rest of our lives, if we have it because we just "gotta" have it all the time and we are slipping up and messing up other areas of our lives (e.g.: late for a job interview because we were "doing it.")

I much rather prefer the other type of chemical, oxytocin, which creates a different kind of feeling, and helps humans bond with a partner long term. It's a nice feeling and not so wild and crazy like the pheromones.

Good luck.

Nattykr wrote:I've been thinking about this issue a lot which is why I started this post. I wanted to try and face the reality of my past, because being realistic it will make an impact on my future. Just depends how much of it I let it.

Natty

When it comes to sex, how people feel about it is all over the map. There really is no clear cut answer to your original question. The answer is for some it's a deal breaker and for others it is not, but you already knew that I'm sure, and perhaps just wanted confirmation? I agree it's important to look at what is realistically.

There really is no absolute truth about the original question either (those with religious beliefs may feel I am wrong, that a higher power says that there is a clear right/wrong), but to me, it's just a personal choice. No right. No wrong. Realistically there is a higher risk of STD's the more partners one has, and an increased risk of pregnancy, but beyond that I really see no absolute right/wrong.

It seems like the only quandary you might have is you regret your past, and have explained why to some degree. I couldn't tell if that meant you were hoping to meet a man who has had less partners, or are simply worried you might meet such a man and are worried it will be a deal breaker?

@xdude

'It seems like the only quandary you might have is you regret your past, and have explained why to some degree. I couldn't tell if that meant you were hoping to meet a man who has had less partners, or are simply worried you might meet such a man and are worried it will be a deal breaker?[/quote]'

I do regret some of the people I've slept with. I am worried that a man might see it as a deal breaker. I can't change my past but I can handle it correctly. I don't care about the mans past!

-- Mon Aug 20, 2012 12:17 pm --

Jerril wrote:

Nattykr wrote:So concentrating on myself is what I am and have been doing. I'll admit a slip up recently, but I've addressed that now and taking action.

What did you slip up with recently? Did you lose concentration on working on yourself, or are you referring to having casual sex again?

Some people are born with higher sex drives than others. And, some people kind of feel like they're recharging their batteries after sex, especially when it's with someone new and they get a glow off of the body's chemicals, especially all the pheromones. While others like sex because it is a form of escape and can be a compulsion if not checked.

Sex can be harmful if it interferes with the rest of our lives, if we have it because we just "gotta" have it all the time and we are slipping up and messing up other areas of our lives (e.g.: late for a job interview because we were "doing it.")

I much rather prefer the other type of chemical, oxytocin, which creates a different kind of feeling, and helps humans bond with a partner long term. It's a nice feeling and not so wild and crazy like the pheromones.

Good luck.

I've never thought about it terms of chemicals. I believe I've experienced both!
Yes, recently I had a drunken encounter. Wasn't very pleased with myself.

x

jenson84 wrote:hey people,

having read all the previous posts, i thought i would respond from the perspective of a man in the exact situation the OP is concerned about. My wifes sexual history tears at me on a daily basis, it can transform an amazing day into a cesspit of self misery. good luck

jenson-

I'm sorry to hear that your wife's history is a source of difficulty for you. I just don't don't think it should be- what matters is what is between the two of you now. It seems to me something so insecure, even destructive, in the male ego for that to be a problem. Your wife probably enjoyed the partners she had, enjoys her sex life with you now, but, in addition, can share a lot more of her life with you then she has with former lovers. Isn't that enough?

Certainly by my standards, Natty has not been notably promiscuous, or, frankly, even promiscuous at all. I'm sure I had reached her "number" by the time I graduated from high school, and generally speaking I have new few regrets. Moreover, I don't regard it as important. FWIW, a fair number of my more transient partners resulted from my simply not wanting to sleep alone. Not that I'm terribly opposed to giving a man what he wants, but many times, if a guy would just hold me, I would have been satisfied. Of course, you go to bed with a man, he's not going to be content with simply holding you (even if he says he will be, lol). For me, anyway, sleeping with someone is not necessarily primarily about sex, even though that generally happens.

masquerade wrote:Jerrill, please be aware of the tone of your posts.

In defense of Jerrill, I don't find his tone offensive. Certainly it is mild compared to what I have encountered on occasion. While I admit, certain labels, particularly when uttered crudely, can sting, I don't dwell on it. What I've never understood is the guys who do what they can to get a gal in the proverbial sack, accomplish their goal, and then denigrate the girl or woman for what "she did". It seems to me, whatever they said about her (ok, me) applies equally to themselves.

...and on the other hand, it is nice when people don't talk about their sexual history at all...

Of course, one often asks about previous committed relationships but outside of that, who needs to know about how many folks anyone slept with?

As for my last g/f, I never asked. I didn't want to know. I did ask about her last boyfriend but that's different.

pistils wrote:In defense of Jerrill, I don't find his tone offensive.

Thanks, pistils. It's nice to have some support. I did get my back up when rainbow sprinkles insulted me, however, with her comments that I was "ridiculous" for my opinions. NOT what I'd call good forum etiquette by any stretch (and unnoticed by any mod while I was warned, basically). But, that's OK, being a mod is a big volunteer job and I don't want to get on their case. I just felt a little bullied, actually. I was in a snarky mood and, again, I apologize if I've made Natty feel at all belittled.

Jerril wrote:...and on the other hand, it is nice when people don't talk about their sexual history at all...

Of course, one often asks about previous committed relationships but outside of that, who needs to know about how many folks anyone slept with?

As for my last g/f, I never asked. I didn't want to know. I did ask about her last boyfriend but that's different.

pistils wrote:In defense of Jerrill, I don't find his tone offensive.

Thanks, pistils. It's nice to have some support. I did get my back up when rainbow sprinkles insulted me, however, with her comments that I was "ridiculous" for my opinions. NOT what I'd call good forum etiquette by any stretch (and unnoticed by any mod while I was warned, basically). But, that's OK, being a mod is a big volunteer job and I don't want to get on their case. I just felt a little bullied, actually. I was in a snarky mood and, again, I apologize if I've made Natty feel at all belittled.

No worries Jerrill. Its unlikely i'll ask my future partner and won't volunteer the information.
x

Nattykr wrote:After realising recently that I don't wish to continue having any casual encounters I counted and my number of sexual partners is about 32.

I am 26. Female. I am looking to form a long term relationship and get married and have a family. I am not sure how long it will take to find my man but I'd like to be in this situation by the time I am 32!

I have recognised that my past behaviour was due to issues that I had and have been working on them. I am in therapy and have a huge amount of self awareness as to why I didn't mind having casual sex. I am now on a 6 month - 12 month minimum brake of dating and NO SEX. As I do not believe that I am in the right place yet to attract the right person.

MY question to anyone (especially men) is:

Is my sexual past going to affect my chances>? Is it a big deal breaker?
Would you turn me down if you knew how many people I'd been with before?

It might be:
http://www.hookingupsmart.com/2012/07/2 ... nt-page-3/

I have the same experience with you, but fortunately i am now have married with my mr right, so you need patience and confident for your marriage. Good luck!

Not really. Some guys might be turned off by that. And others may have a lot of respect for you because you don't want to continue having casual partners and want something more serious.