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Is my sexual past a deal breaker?

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Re: Is my sexual past a deal breaker?

Postby Jerril » Tue Aug 14, 2012 5:15 pm

masquerade wrote:Jerrill, please be aware of the tone of your posts.


OK, I apologize. I've been a bit harsh and abrupt and it's not my intention to denigrate anyone.

I'd also like to point out to everyone that rainbow sprinkles hasn't been exactly an angel towards me.
For example:

rainbow_sprinkles wrote:that's absolutely ridiculous.


What kind of tone was that? I found that insulting. Just because we have a difference of opinion is not excuse to ridicule another forum member, is it?
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Re: Is my sexual past a deal breaker?

Postby jenson84 » Tue Aug 14, 2012 7:42 pm

hey people,

having read all the previous posts, i thought i would respond from the perspective of a man in the exact situation the OP is concerned about. My wifes sexual history tears at me on a daily basis, it can transform an amazing day into a cesspit of self misery. Healthy and rational? Obviously not, but unfortunatley the emotions which manifest themselves when i think of this issue are no less real than any other emotions in the spectrum.

So as obvious as it sounds, whether your sexual past is seen as a positive, neutral or negative is going to be completley beyond your control. The power you do possess however is to filter out people who do react in a negative fashion. Fingers crossed he isnt one you fall for.

good luck
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Re: Is my sexual past a deal breaker?

Postby Nattykr » Tue Aug 14, 2012 10:49 pm

@Jenson

Have you pin pointed what causes the anxiety?>

Thanks for the heads up. Perhaps it should be a third date omission!
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Re: Is my sexual past a deal breaker?

Postby rainbow_sprinkles » Wed Aug 15, 2012 7:16 am

Nattykr wrote:Rainbow - it is a difference of opinion. I do believe that I have been promiscuous. Most people in the mid twenties will have had a long term relationship, a short term one and maybe a couple of casual encounters. I would say 5 is about the mean for our age group and 10 is the average amount for people in their life time. It is interesting to look at though, because our culture (UK) has changed from family centred to individual centred. People are waiting longer to get married, drinking more and soiling their oats for a longer period of time. Contraception advances has changed attitudes in this area.


that is so bizarre to me.I don't know where you got this information from, but as someone in their mid-late twenties who hangs out with other people in their 20s, 5 is nowhere close to the average for the people I know in the area I live, that's for sure. sometimes it feels like everybody I know has slept with practically everybody else I know. and that's just going off what I know about, never mind everything I don't know about lol. people date and hook up like crazy, I'm not sure I know anyone who could honestly say they've only been in one or two long term relationships, never mind all the shorter ones, unofficial ones, entirely just sexual ones, and one-timers.
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Re: Is my sexual past a deal breaker?

Postby jenson84 » Wed Aug 15, 2012 12:35 pm

@Nattykr

The anxiety springs from insecurity and a dissillusionment that things dont always go according to the 'plan' created in your own head. New trains of thought on her past develop frequently, and cause feelings of dissapointment, resentment, anger etc. I understand that none of the events in her past were done to 'harm' me or directed at me, but the feelings they create are just as real inside me. It for some reason changed the intrinsic feelings inside me that i felt before i knew this stuff. I understand that her actions were not wrong, immoral, or directly effect how our relationship should evolve, but just the same, if learning something changes how you feel, for whatever reason then it becomes difficult to return to your former state of mind.
Specific issues that may arise are; Why did she have sex with so many different people, she must compare, some must have been better, some must have been bigger, everything we can possibly do has already been done with someone else, the fact so men men have been inside her makes me queasy, did she ever think ' bloody hell ive had a few now?' Does it makes what we have less special? If i had met her when she was younger would i have just been another notch?

These are just a few of the very first thoughts i had when it started, if i had more time im sure i could bore you all some more with the unabridged version, but for everyones sanity I won't.
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Re: Is my sexual past a deal breaker?

Postby Nattykr » Thu Aug 16, 2012 12:11 pm

jenson84 wrote:@Nattykr

The anxiety springs from insecurity and a dissillusionment that things dont always go according to the 'plan' created in your own head. New trains of thought on her past develop frequently, and cause feelings of dissapointment, resentment, anger etc. I understand that none of the events in her past were done to 'harm' me or directed at me, but the feelings they create are just as real inside me. It for some reason changed the intrinsic feelings inside me that i felt before i knew this stuff. I understand that her actions were not wrong, immoral, or directly effect how our relationship should evolve, but just the same, if learning something changes how you feel, for whatever reason then it becomes difficult to return to your former state of mind.
Specific issues that may arise are; Why did she have sex with so many different people, she must compare, some must have been better, some must have been bigger, everything we can possibly do has already been done with someone else, the fact so men men have been inside her makes me queasy, did she ever think ' bloody hell ive had a few now?' Does it makes what we have less special? If i had met her when she was younger would i have just been another notch?

These are just a few of the very first thoughts i had when it started, if i had more time im sure i could bore you all some more with the unabridged version, but for everyones sanity I won't.


Has your girlfriend told you why she had sex with so many people?

I can understand where your coming from - is why I started this post! Perhaps its a male thing that i'll never get, but good sex doesn't equate to a good relationship. Good relationships requires more than that. If your girlfriend left you for better sex then she's not worth begin your girlfriend. In my experience, the most intense sex was with douches. Guys who weren't suitable for anything more.
The most satisfying sex I had was with my 4 year ex. Because it got better and better. It wasn't instantly great, but nice enough :)

I'd say to anyone be extremely weary if you have sex with someone early on and its instantly amazing.

-- Thu Aug 16, 2012 12:16 pm --

rainbow_sprinkles wrote:
Nattykr wrote:Rainbow - it is a difference of opinion. I do believe that I have been promiscuous. Most people in the mid twenties will have had a long term relationship, a short term one and maybe a couple of casual encounters. I would say 5 is about the mean for our age group and 10 is the average amount for people in their life time. It is interesting to look at though, because our culture (UK) has changed from family centred to individual centred. People are waiting longer to get married, drinking more and soiling their oats for a longer period of time. Contraception advances has changed attitudes in this area.


that is so bizarre to me.I don't know where you got this information from, but as someone in their mid-late twenties who hangs out with other people in their 20s, 5 is nowhere close to the average for the people I know in the area I live, that's for sure. sometimes it feels like everybody I know has slept with practically everybody else I know. and that's just going off what I know about, never mind everything I don't know about lol. people date and hook up like crazy, I'm not sure I know anyone who could honestly say they've only been in one or two long term relationships, never mind all the shorter ones, unofficial ones, entirely just sexual ones, and one-timers.


You must live in a city! I live in a city. There are lots of people around.
Perhaps I am wrong - but my line of thinking was to generalise a total population (and something I read).
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Re: Is my sexual past a deal breaker?

Postby jenson84 » Thu Aug 16, 2012 12:24 pm

@Nattykr

In a way your response is representative of the issue that may arise in some men. The fact that sex with 'douches' was amazing and intense, whereas with a long term partner 'satisfying...eventually'. So it would make me feel pretty lousy, because i would feel im the settle down type guy, not the guy who you have the most attraction to. Maybe similar to a man saying to you, the other girl was more emotionally engaging and electric, but the slow burn with you is more sustainable, so i'll go with that.

So would make me feel like second choice.
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Re: Is my sexual past a deal breaker?

Postby Nattykr » Thu Aug 16, 2012 2:38 pm

jenson84 wrote:@Nattykr

In a way your response is representative of the issue that may arise in some men. The fact that sex with 'douches' was amazing and intense, whereas with a long term partner 'satisfying...eventually'. So it would make me feel pretty lousy, because i would feel im the settle down type guy, not the guy who you have the most attraction to. Maybe similar to a man saying to you, the other girl was more emotionally engaging and electric, but the slow burn with you is more sustainable, so i'll go with that.

So would make me feel like second choice.


Don't you get it? fling like that can not last and always leave a bitter taste in peoples mouths.
A long term meaningful relationship is more satisfying. I thoroughly enjoyed learning with my long term ex more so than a short term intense fling, as I learnt so much more about him and myself.

Its part of growing up when anyone realises this - its not all about sex. Its very important, but it just isn't!

Also, I've have quite a few guys tell me that sex with a a crazy girl is almost always excellent but they can't sustain a relationship with her. When they want a girl for a relationship they don't choose the crazy girl (or shouldn't!).
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Re: Is my sexual past a deal breaker?

Postby Jerril » Fri Aug 17, 2012 8:16 pm

Well, the deal is this: either your sexual past will be a deal breaker or it won't be, Nattykr.

You can ask for as many opinions as you want, but it all boils down to a case-by-case basis of whether or not a man will be comfortable with your sexual history.

You can waste a lot of time worrying about some unknown outcome. You might focus a little on how to present all this. Maybe you could spend a year or two being celibate. That would likely help your "sexual resume" out. That way, you get to say, "Well, yeah, I used to have on average 3 or 4 sexual partners a year, but I realized it wasn't very fulfilling, and I haven't been with anyone for over a year now, because I'm looking for something deeper."

Or, maybe you can be "in the market" but not sleep with folks, and just keep telling them, "I'm not looking to just jump into the sack with anyone. I desire a soul mate and want to get time to know someone before committing." That way, you can go slowly, get to know someone, and then sleep with them after at four or five months of dating so you can develop a friendship first.

If I was dating someone who'd been promiscuous in the past, but I had proof that she was wanting to settle down, in the form of her taking her time just dating and getting to know me, if I could see that she was trustworthy and honest, her past wouldn't matter as much.

See, for me, sleeping with someone opens a whole "pandora's box" of emotions and caring. And, if it's just casual, it leaves me feeling empty afterwards. So, I'm not sure you can just date anyone with intentions of possibly settling down and committing to a long term, trusting, caring partnership, but then go ahead and sleep with them in a hurry, and be able to leave the situation without some residue of break up.

I've watched people I'm close to go through all kinds of heartbreak and remorse because they always rushed into relationships, didn't just slow down and get to know anyone, develop intimacy, trust and a caring bond before sleeping with them. They were thinking with their genitals more than their heads. Some people are lovesick and/or heartbroken 2 or 3 times a year, or more! It's a waste of energy, if you ask me.

First of all, it is probably best, Nattykr, for you to spend some time with you, developing your life in ways that are fulfilling and committed, in whatever job, hobby or whatever gets your juices flowing. That way, you're then much stronger to find a strong person to be with. Then you get to be two wholes coming together rather than two halves making a whole.
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Re: Is my sexual past a deal breaker?

Postby Nattykr » Sat Aug 18, 2012 10:46 am

Thanks Jerrill,

I'm doing more or less everything you have suggested in your post. I am taking a years break from sex and I'm not dating right now. I've waited some time in the past before sleeping with a guy and I've dived right in to sex quickly to. On these occasions the relationship never worked out.

So concentrating on myself is what I am and have been doing. I'll admit a slip up recently, but I've addressed that now and taking action.

I've been thinking about this issue a lot which is why I started this post. I wanted to try and face the reality of my past, because being realistic it will make an impact on my future. Just depends how much of it I let it.

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