Hooked on Female Emotion

Has anyone come across such a problem?

I have to maintain a distance when it comes to females. Having casual conversation with a female is ok with me but anything more tends to become an issue.

I get hooked on female emotion.

Looking back at a relationship I had long ago I recognized that I became dependant on female emotion. I found that my moods and actions depend on her moods and emotion. If she were happy I would be happy and I woudl try to make her happier. If she were sad I would have the compulsion to try and make her happy. I would expend all my energy, time, and focus and lose site of all my other responsibilities.

I thought I was in love long ago, and probably was. But at one point that relationship became more than love for another human being. It became a series of obsessions that were completely out of control. And I never saw it then, though I felt the results.

The relationship seemed to go normal. We dated, spent lots of time with each other (on a daily basis), had plenty of romantic moments, and lot's of teen sex (as we were teens). Sex was probably the second obsession next to seeing each other every day. We could not stand to be without each other mostly.

I adored her. I had never felt a connection with a human being like that before in my life. Though sometimes my anger would come out towards her, very misdirected though. I was insecure and was jealous of her interaction with other guys. I wanted her full attention. I would want to cook dinner, give her gifts on as many occasions as I could. It made me feel like a provider and a lover. When she was not feeling well I would take care of her. And she would take care of me. I would feel less of a man if I could not do things to make her happy, although now looking back on it, she was happy, just being together. I often complained about money and the fact that I did not have it so I could show her a good time. She replied that money did not matter. After a while, she got sick repeating herself as I would constantly bring up the money subject again and again.

I found that as she objected to things I did I felt the compulsion to try and make it up to her. Making all attempts to erase the objection or wrong doing on my part (impossible) and expending all sorts of energy to make up for the objection or wrong doing. At one point I would come to terms that there was nothing more I could do after trying to make up for my mistake dozens of times.

So instead of simply experiencing a normal relationship it went out of bounds in many directions. I found that I used her as a means of making myself feel good (like a drug).

I suspect that there were things I lacked or became hooked on in my youth that lead me to act in these manners. A faulty relationship with my mom (or dad) or how I envisioned relationship between my parents. I also experienced a sexually disruptive childhood. Very mixed experiences that include but are not limited to incest (on my part) and homosexual experiences at a very young age.

Back to this one relationship:

We went off to college after being together over a year. We went to separate places. I felt the void of not being with her, not being able to provide, not being able to love, not being able to achieve a feel good about myself. We did however attempt to see each other every other weekend and sometimes more. 95% of the time we would spend in sexual encounter and rarely anything else. I guess I had found satisfaction in having just that. At one point, she started to complain that we were having nothing but sex and we should get out more and meet / interact with her friends. I attempted once or twice maybe three times but it always ended up in bed.

In short, I found that my attempts to satisfy her in many different ways was really attempts to satisfy me and resolve me as a person. I got a fix out of her positive emotion. If I was the cause of her bad emotion I would spend an enormous amount of time trying to make it up.

There was one moment in school when we almost broke up over a seemingly rediculous incident, but I felt like I had to make up for it and try and make her feel better. I had made friends with a girl in school and she gave me a picture of her. I stupidly put it on my wall along side my grilfriend's pictures.

My girlfriend saw it and freaked. So did I. She did not breakup with me but it was close. Again, I caused her pain, so I tried to make up for it and spent so much energy and time doing it it became an out of control compulsion. She did not breakup with me over the fact that I had a picture of another woman but that I became this obsessive posessive freak trying to make up for the silly mistake. I lost everything. I failed school and got kicked out. I spent all sorts of money and time trying to fix something that could not be fixed.


Where does this all lead...

I have never had a normal relationship since then. I have started all relationships since then by showering women with gifts, basing my actions on their emotions, and never establishing an honest relationship with them. Sex has been with women who I did not care about.

Enough said for now...

Any thoughts....

I think it just depends on the kind of person you are in a relationship. I can relate to a lot of the things you said in your post. Especially about wanting to be there for another person all the time. In my case, I did everything for my ex and nothing for myself. We dated for a long time and I was really changed by the whole thing. It was also a highschool romance, first love, etc etc etc. After we broke up I was happier, back to myself. Definitly not as naive.

But, relationships are not the same now, like you said. It scares me sometimes to think I'll never have a close relationship like that again, but knowing that other people have the same feelings calms me down. It's probably just a phase we're going through, and it'll take the right kind of person to get us out of it. At least, I hope so.

As for advice, all I can say is don't depend on gifts and money. There are girls who love that kind of thing, but I don't think those girls are the ones you want to date. You can be loving and committed without using gifts to get there. Maybe the next time you date someone just try to be more open about things. Don't focus on getting into bed with her, focus on getting to know each other. And never ever lose focus on yourself. I don't mean become selfish, but don't devote everything to someone else unless they are willing to do the same. You lose a lot of you individuality when you become a couple.