What's It Gonna Take?

My apologies for a rant.

I feel really angry. My isolated friend's phone is now back working. It's been seven months and the phone hadn't been working. He must have not paid a bill and the company cut him off. So he had seven months of a breakdown and now he must be getting back on his feet. We aren't talking. I'm sure most of the you know my story about my isolated friend.

It angers me that the only person who has been visiting him is his dad. He hasn't spoken to his mum in the seven months and she hasn't bothered to visit him or help him. His parents are the only two who have contact with him, who can reach him. Where there's me, who writes a letter every once in a while.

This is the longest time he has had a breakdown. It's good that his phone is back on working. What's it gonna take for the next time? My friend committing suicide??

Where is the help from the mental health services? I'm really concerned for the next time. It's not a question of when? It's a question of how? My friend suffers with isolation very bad and severe. To have his phone cut off for seven months is bad and severe. I'm really concerned for his wellbeing in the future.

There's me, I feel incredibly guilty. I'm about to start my new job in three weeks. I feel excited about the future. I feel guilty when my friend has been suffering. I must be a crap friend because my friend was suffering. I wasn't there. Even if he wouldn't let me, I still should have been there.

Where the hell is the care in the world?

Hi thatright,

First, let me apologize for not answering your actual questions, even if your post was mostly a rant. This is what jumped out at me.

There's me, I feel incredibly guilty. I'm about to start my new job in three weeks. I feel excited about the future. I feel guilty when my friend has been suffering. I must be a crap friend because my friend was suffering. I wasn't there. Even if he wouldn't let me, I still should have been there.

There is no need to feel guilt here hon. You have consistanly made it clear to your friend you are there for him. You have consistantly kept in touch. You can only do so much, and go so far. If you push too much you could just end up being a source of stress in his life. At what point, does a concerned friend start to turn into an obsessed meddler? I'm not saying you are but maybe it's something to think about. Your friend knows how to reach you if he wants to talk. Maybe he needs space. Maybe your love and concern seems smothering to him. I don't know but I do know that you really can't be there for someone who doesn't let you.

Congrats on your new job! Be excited and happy about it. I'm sure your friend would want you to be happy and doesn't want this relationship to be a source of guilt and/or pain for you. You need to detach enough emotionally that you can find peace in your own life. That way, you can also be stronger and a better source of support for him when/if he does contact you.

Hugs and take care.

I have backed off a lot from my friend. I only write a letter every once in awhile.

Does that sound obsessive to you?

No, a letter every once and a while is not obsessive at all. What concerns me is that all your posts, save one, seem to be about your friend (or the topic of loneliness and isolation which is also a really about your friend, yes?) I'm concerned that you are overly focused on this one person to the point it could be unhealthy for you. You are feeling guilt that your friend is suffering but you have no reason to feel guilty.

You are starting to remind me of another poster whose every post is about the same topic, over and over and over. The same worries and fears over and over and over. As I recall it was suggested he has OCD. I obviously don't know you and maybe I am reading too much into your posts but I am starting to get concerned at the pattern you seem to be falling into here.

You seem to be a good, caring person. I hope you have other friendships in real life that are more mutual and that you aren't quite so intently focued on this one friend. It's really is nice you want to help a friend but based soley on your posts here it might be a good idea for you to take a step back, look at this completely objectively and see what you think.

Hi

I understand your reasons. The isolation threads were about me. I have felt isolated and depressed the last month and a half.

As for some of my posts, I came here in help for my friend. Most of my posts are about my friend. Every post has been done every once in awhile. I come here for support. I need to go to a place to get my feelings out. Last time I looked this forum was here free to talk about what you want, as long as you don't disrespect anyone. Which I'm not. So where's the problem?

I don't go to bed and or wake up worrying or thinking about my friend. I spend my life not focused on my friend. I have the odd thoughts a week, hoping his ok. At the end of the day, my friend is severely ill. I'm the only person apart from his dad that cares for him. Maybe my guilt is the depression talking? There are thousands of people out there who would love to be in my position, where they are about to start a new job. But they can't for mental health issues, etc. That makes me feel guilty.

Where I have happiness in my life. My friend will go on suffering. When you truly care for someone, all you want is for them to be happy and safe. My friend doesn't reach out for help. He relies on others to help him. That's just who he is. He's never had emotional support.

I'm not obsessed for caring for a friend. Especially when the friend is severely ill. I'm worried he may kill him self. I'm not obsessed. I don't spend every second of every day thinking about him. I do have a life and other friendships that keep me sane. I come here for advice.

Talking about another member's posts and calling them ocd, is very harsh.( not talking about me, the other member you mentioned). Having worked in the mental health field, I do know people who suffer with o.c.d. It causes them great distress. If they feel they want to come here and get their feelings off their chest, that's their right. After all, this is a mental health forum. If you find the threads annoying, simple don't read it.

As you say, you don't know me. It's very easy for others to make judgements but this is the internet. Easily done by words on a screen.

I'll avoid this forum in the future if I'm too annoying to post about my friend, if that's what every one would like.

I have felt isolated and depressed the last month and a half.

I'm sorry to hear that. I hope things turn around for you soon.

So where's the problem?

There's no problem and you're right. I failed to notice the timeline of your posts, just focusing on the topics.

 Maybe my guilt is the depression talking?

Yes, I think you nailed it. There were several recent articles about the association between guilt and depression that you can find by googling guilt depression.

I'll avoid this forum in the future if I'm too annoying to post about my friend, if that's what every one would like.

You are not annoying at all. You may come across as slightly irritable at times, but again, that is a symptom of depression. As I said before, you seem to be a good, caring person. Of course you should keep posting, especially if it helps you feel better.

Well like anything in life, we all have to deal with things that annoy us. If I annoy you at times, simple don't read my threads.

Hi. Janjones was trying to be supportive. She is a very caring and supportive person. I'm sorry that you feel so worried about your friend, and it sounds as if you felt quite helpless watching him have a breakdown and knowing there was little that could be done to help him. It must have been very worrying not to have heard from him for so long. You have shown him care and concern, and it sounds as if you feel that this is not enough.

I'm surprised that the mental health services were reluctant to get involved, and it makes me mad when mentally ill people are left to languish by the system. It is good that there are people like you in the world who really care.

Your friend needs to accept for himself that he needs help, and sadly he has to make this decision. You can try to persuade him, and you can be there for him, but he needs to come to a point where he realises that he needs help. I truly hope that he comes to this point and accepts the help that he needs. In the meantime, all you can do is to continue what you have been doing, and let him know you are there. If you become seriously concerned that he might be suicidal, you need to phone the emergency services immediately. If he becomes isolated again, you might need to phone them.

You said that you are now feeling isolated and depressed and it sounds as if all the worrying has taken its toll upon you. It's important that you look after your own emotional health, so that you will be in a better position to help your friend, and to enable you to cope with the worry about him. If these feelings become unbearable or worsen, please speak to a doctor or therapist. You have been there for your friend, and it's important that you feel that someone is there for you.

my friend avoids help from everyone. He rejects help from his dad as well. But his dad still goes down there and helps him. I strongly believe once he sees someone is trying to help in action (face-to-face), he accepts the help. My friend doesn't reach out for help. He suffers alone. It takes other people to help him. He relies on others. This is who he is.

Every time he has had a relapse, anyone who tries to help him, he pushes them away with the mood swings. When the signs come, he completely gives up on life. It always takes someone else to come and be forceful for him to get back on his feet. That's why his dad takes control and goes down there.

He has been sectioned before that's how he got his mental health diagnosed. As I say, his father who provides him the help he needs. Whether he wants the help or not, his father gets him help. Also he suffers with a lot of low self esteem, a lot of the pain he is going through, he feels he deserves it. He deserves to be alone. He has been brain washed into thinking he is a worthless human being. Especially because of his father.

His trapped in a cycle, he will get ill again and again. But what the next time will be, I don't know?

I think what he needs is a carer. He can't take care of himself. He relies on others. Maybe he won't return my offer of friendship because he feels like a burden or something?