I can't appreciate when he cared for me?

Me and my boyfriend fought a lot from the start of my escalating depression.
I started to let myself go and cutting off things from my life(friends, jobs,school, distancing from him). He was very worried and started reminding me what I was doing to my life and being hard on me like you would be with a junkie. I asked to stop as it was making me feel worse and I didnt need someone to remind me that, but he always insisted that he said that because he was totally worried that I would dump him and wanted back my "old" me. He also resented that I wasn't appreciating all the things he was doing for me and I was only seeing his encouragements as a complain.
He visited me a lot and he would do anything to make me feel better.
He dumped twice because I labeled his encouragements complaining over me and he couldnt stand that I was mistrusting him and treating him like he was a as***le.

Last fight we had I felt a deep rage inside me and told him all the worst thing ever.
We cut off contacts since then.

I feel guilty and that I have lost everything now. I have.
I think he was genuinely caring of me but he wasn't maybe the best at supporting me as he doesnt know what it feels like not having control over your life.
What do you think? Any supporting ideas would be appreciated as I don't have friends to get some support or just talking...

Hun, I'm sorry you feel so isolated and unsupported right now, as this is a lot to be going through alone.

It sounds as if you have pushed away all support because of your depression, and are now caught in a situation where things are painful and you feel alone and isolated in all of this. It's as if one thing compounds the other in a viscous circle.

Your boyfriend shouldn't have shouted at you as depression is an illness and it's beyond your control.It sounds as if he was expressing his helplessness at the situation as he had tried to help you but couldn't. Hun, he couldn't help you because depression is an illness, and it needs to be treated by a professional.

There is a lot that can be done to treat depression, and you don't have to go through this. With the right treatment, things won't seem to be so woolly and unclear, and you'll have the insight you need to make the right changes in your life, and the potential to at least try to salvage your relationship, and to build bridges with your friends.

Please see a doctor immediately and tell him/her how you feel.