Need some clarity EX girlfriend

Hi everyone, i would like to share my story of a relationship with someone that had borderline/histrionic, that made me question my own sanity and what i should learn from this or how i should of reacted in these situations because i feel like i lost my sense of self and want to know if there was something i could have done prevent this type of behavior, because yes, she did make me feel like a hero, then a villain. I was in my early 20s and so was she.

Me and my now ex girlfriend were together for 8.5 months. She was on meds, read alot of self development material, was in therapy therapy and has been in a psyche ward for a few weeks/months and said she was fine and gotten better because it was many years ago.
I have been in a few relationships in my life but they were never as intense as this. Sure we all disagree or argue at times but its never been on a daily basis for most of the relationship and over trivial things.

I met this girl at a party and shortly after we hit it off and started dating a few weeks later. She was very flirtatious and knew how to seduce. She knew how to put herself in a position for me to approach her, talk to her, kiss her etc which i liked. Conversations were about asking me what i was doing and what i like and whatever i would say, she would also like and want to do. She was very feminine and acted like a real lady. She would have very good table manners and polite speech.

She didn't have many female friends and had a difficult time introducing me to them. She had a few guy friends that all seem to like her and our mutual friend kept telling me, watch out, she keeps in contact with most of her exs and calls them when there is a breakup. She would tell me how "horrible", "insensitive", "Inconsiderate", "Controlling", "aggressive", "mean", etc they were to her. I thought i would be different, i guess it turned out in the end i wasn't, according to her. She has always been in a relationship since she was 15. She said she only sleeps with people or kisses them that she knows she will marry but contradicted that on a few occasions.

A month and a bit after dating, she kissed her ex boyfriend once in a bar and once when i was at her house party (which i didn't see until she told me..will explain) My mutual friend told me about it, so i confronted her about it and she denied it and lied and said he kissed her, which i foolishly listened. She gave me the guilt trip of how could i believe my friends and not her. So i decided i was leaving and she stopped me and admitted it and said "but we were dating" (after 5 weeks of dating a few times a week) and not in a relationship. She says she may seem like a flirt (in general) but that is just her being normal and socializing. When ever she looks at other guys and does flirt gestures, i don't anything. But when i am looking at a woman, because she seems to be in front of me, not on purpose, she causes a scene. When i meet with my friends, she gives me guilt trips about it and has asks me if i'm cheating on her on 3 different occasions (which i sure as hell don't).

We ended up agreeing to be exclusive. Shortly after she says she wants to be able to hook up with other guys as well as with me. Then as soon as i say that i will do the same, she makes a scene.

Things started getting better and then we agreed to be in a relationship and spend most of the time together and staying over at each others houses all the time. The months that followed were the most intense emotional roller coaster i have experienced in my life. When things were good, they were REALLY good, but when bad, they were BAD. Arguments about nothing significant and ones that end up almost into a breakup. a few examples.

-changing into a singlet on a hot day, before watching a movie at my house because i'm "tedious"

-argument because i said its "unacceptable" and i would leave if she were to kiss her male friends on the lips to say "hi", when she asks me the question about it and what i would do.

-Sleeping with her during the day was something she was embarrassed about and didn't like and so another time "not" sleeping with her during the day meant that i didn't "desire" her, which almost resulted into a breakup.

-every time she screams at me, i either a.) assert myself or b.) leave and tell her i will speak to her the following day after we both cool off. Which she gets very anxious when i want to leave.

-Telling her that everyone disagrees at some points in a relationship, but to be able to talk about how the situation made each of us feel and our opinions about it to make it better, rather than attacking the person directly..That never worked because
a.) calling her on her things turns out nasty b.) hugging her and calming her down turns out nasty
c.) Leaving makes her get anxious and can get nasty but her throwing things at me and then trying to hoover me back in.

-Feeling an emotion is "not allowed", results into another argument.

-It was always my fault she says that i caused everything, not once apologizing until i was leaving.

-Always telling me after an argument that i should said that i was sorry and it was my fault, and if i feel like it wasn't i didn't say it and never made her apologize. I just didn't agree with her and told her how i felt about the situation. Nut when she didn't get the reaction she wanted out of me she snapped at me.

-When i did react she had this smile on her face and always threatened breakup (one time she threatened breakup and sat on me like someone getting a lap lance, which i thought was psychotic)

-After an argument, i am expected to be "happy", so that she feels happy.

-Meeting friends was me "not wanting to spend time with her"

-Booking hotels and other reservations on our anniversaries always end in a disaster.

-No matter how much i try to please her beyond belief, its never good enough and i "don't care" she says.

-When i call her on her on the things she does, she runs of sometimes or drives off and threatens suicide, etc.

-Inviting her to my house to stay and watch a movie in the evening, with no work the next day, goes to her saying that i'm "controlling" and "inconsiderate" and a full blown argument when i told her a simple yes or no would have been fine.

-Ordering food was a problem one time or so, I was ordering a meal and asked her what she would like. She said she wanted a wrap with fries and if i wanted to get that instead to share with her because it was big. I agreed and when ordering, the waitress asked if i wanted the wrap in bread or wrap. I said wrap and my girlfriend snapped it at me and said i was inconsiderate and controlling (again).

-At times, going to work when she wanted me to be with her, turned into guilt trips and a few times into argument, because i was going to work :S

-During when we were sleeping together, she would compare me to her exs and when i got put off, she blamed me for not having a "right" to feel that way or put off.

-She would always cry and cry like i have never seen before, it was just so much and i felt like i was responsible and felt guilty, but couldn't work out what i was doing.

In an argument (over nothing), talking about the situation without attacking the person hours on end didn't work. Staying did not work, leaving didn't either, reasoning didn't and hugging only worked once or twice. Whenever we argued if i didn't react or tried to leave to cool us off, she would get PANIC ATTACKS where she would shake and lose memory for about half hour to a few hours and not know who i am, which i had to stay with her until she got better.

She would always say that other guys gave her looks and attention wherever she was and her ex boyfriends were messaging her.

In the end i booked us a nice restaurant for dinner we were sitting down on her bed and she gave me this cute look she does when we were joking and i told her that it was a cute look and that i love her and she told me to explain it to her in depth and i tried but she didn't understand, so she started saying what a bad boyfriend i am and all these other things and i just lay back and exhaled because i knew it would turn into another argument. So then she started yelling at me and saying that i have no right to feel frustrated that shes name calling me so i just stood up and started to leave. Then she started saying sorry and kissing me. Then when we were lying together she wanted me to apologize again and acknowledge that i "caused" this, which i refused, so she started yelling at me at her house and punched me so i told her we are breaking up and she tried to kiss me, hug me, telling me not to go and crying hysterically. I left her house and she said "but if we get married, wont you come to my house??" She called and messaged me after that many times that night and i switched off my phone.

The next day she says that "shes breaking up with me and not to contact her"?????

Then a week later we met up (to reconcile....big mistake) and she was very flirtatious and told she doesn't want to know that i'm happy or flirting with other girls, which i never said anything about and she said if i do she will be pissed off, but she can she says because it was my fault :S
I said we are not together and we departed.

PS she told me that she realized her ex could "be there for her" and that "i couldn't" because when we argue, she wants me to hug her and tell her it will be fine. But after months and months of this i became tired and numb and couldn't take her nonsense any longer.

The interesting thing i want to know is that the whole time i felt that i was being abused and all these other things, SHE was telling me all those things back, as thought i was the one that was making her feel or snap the way she does and i felt crazy because of it. Who is to know. Its been a couple of months since the breakup, but i am feeling much better than before and have realized that i should have been stronger and ended it from the start. The reason i stayed was because i thought i could fix things and also the fact that she was really nice and caring when things were good, so i keep thinking of the good things. I have never felt like this before.

1.) Should i expect to hear from her in the future, if so how should i respond?
2.) What can i learn from this, apart from being stronger and not waiting for a change?
3.) Will she get better in the future and admit she was wrong at times, she never told me?

Gosh! Sounds like you had a lot of chaos in this relationship! You should be glad she is gone and not even worried about ever hearing from her again. I will pray for peace in your life. My daddy used to say if he had one wish in life it would be for world peace. Wouldn't it be wonderful if we could just all get along and live peacefully together without chaos? Some people just make that impossibe with the mind games they play. We can dream, can't we? *sigh* I know this time must be extremely difficult for you. Just remember, I'm here to support you in any way that I can. Good Night Friend.

euphoria wrote:1.) Should i expect to hear from her in the future, if so how should i respond?
2.) What can i learn from this, apart from being stronger and not waiting for a change?
3.) Will she get better in the future and admit she was wrong at times, she never told me?

1. Not at all. Don't answer the phone, the door, email, etc. You're lucky to have got away from her, don't put yourself through all that again.

2. That there are worse things than not being in a relationship, such as being in that one. I'm surprised yo put up with it for that long.

3. Not likely. She's a nut. No 2 ways about it. If she's on meds they aren't working and if she's not I wouldn't expect miracles if she started on them.

You sound like you've got your head together. Move on to a woman that will appreciate you and you can have a real relationship with. You sure don't want to end up married to someone like that, it would never work.

Goodness! I couldn't agree more with you eye. I hope she is taking her meds for sure! Be happy she didn't get the best of you and you can walk away with your sanity. Sounds like she just liked to play games. My great aunt always said that crazy attracts crazy though but you are very smart because you figured her out and showed her what was up. You go boy! Team euphoria all the way!

Thank you all for listening and helping me understand things much better.

Having this experience with a woman that was Very attractive, and "idealized" you as the savior and being very nice and caring to you and then taking all that away when you don't agree with them by being "devalued" is a very powerful thing.

I had a belief that every partner is entitled to their opinion and feeling and that each person is able to agree or disagree with each other, but shouldn't be afraid to express these things in the first place. That was part of what i understood to be a foundation of what a boundary was. And this is what i thought needed to be done in general and especially with someone suffering from BPD. Though, i just didn't find it possible, with any attempt to say something, or even stay silent and not to react or say anything, was a lose/lose situation. If it was possible for me it would have been amazing.

Recently i found out what "Projective Identification" was and it made sense and also helped save my sanity a bit more, which i really needed. Where anything the person felt negatively about themselves they "accused" me of it to shift the blame and feeling. This for a while made me think that absolutely everything was my fault, when accused and couldn't understand why, which made me feel i was "crazy". Where there would have been a possibility that what was said, was something they felt they were behaving or feeling like, if that makes any sense. I know we all make mistakes but sometimes i couldn't figure out what exactly i was doing.

One thing, after many months of this and closer towards later in the relationship, when telling her, "attack the situation, not the person" when in an argument or disagreement, that never worked and for hours on end getting attacked and trying to be grounded, there is only so much i could take and on a "few occasions", i couldn't help but snap back at her with the things she yelled at me with, weather it was right wrong of me. I admit. Most other arguments i did my usual things of asserting myself "about the situation", or walked out to get us to cool off if that didn't work, which that didn't either.

Before this relationship i felt happy being single, going to work, exercise, my sports, hobbies, the things i do that makes me who i am and independent and grounded. After the relationship i feel less independent and the need to get back to how i was. I feel that me staying in the relationship like that was some deficiency in my self esteem.
Going from grounded to much less grounded over time. I just couldn't hug her and calm her down anymore and be happy about it like nothing happened, feeling numb and drained and i was accused of making her feel that way too. Always wondered if one were to be stronger, if eventually they would become numb and drained as well or if the only way to not be affected, is if you "really" don't care, but then whats the point in the relationship then in the first place.

She didn't want to do couples therapy and said she was doing NLP therapy with someone for years and seemed to learn a lot new "terminology" that was applied to accusations against me via projecting. Another thing she said a week after the breakup was how much love she had to give to me and all these other nice things, which i kept ruminating about and the thought i still get if another guy would make things different in a way i couldn't.

Thank you all, i feel better knowing i'm not the only one that experienced situations like this and weather the person with BPD means what they say and do or its a defense mechanism, it would be a great reality if therapy helped and both people could learn from their mistakes and apply it to their contemporary relationship with the same person. But sometimes you just can't win, no matter how high a mountain or deep a valley!!

euphoria wrote:Having this experience with a woman that was Very attractive, and "idealized" you as the savior and being very nice and caring to you and then taking all that away when you don't agree with them by being "devalued" is a very powerful thing.

"I will work to build you up, just enough to bring you down."

Before this relationship i felt happy being single, going to work, exercise, my sports, hobbies, the things i do that makes me who i am and independent and grounded. After the relationship i feel less independent and the need to get back to how i was. I feel that me staying in the relationship like that was some deficiency in my self esteem.
Going from grounded to much less grounded over time. I just couldn't hug her and calm her down anymore and be happy about it like nothing happened, feeling numb and drained and i was accused of making her feel that way too. Always wondered if one were to be stronger, if eventually they would become numb and drained as well or if the only way to not be affected, is if you "really" don't care, but then whats the point in the relationship then in the first place.

She has really done a job on you, my friend.

Crazy as she might be, this is all a game for her. A power trip. She's no doubt good looking and uses that in her favor to keep you from walking out on her like you would if someone who wasn't as attractive and manipulative treated you in that manner.

You're much too nice a person her and far too sensitive and good natured to deal with the onslaught of head games she can bring down upon you. Your best bet is to suck it up and get out while you still can with some modicum of sanity left before she crushes you under her stiletto like a cigarette butt and moves on the the next guy.

You couldn't cure her sickness, and you need now to work on your own self esteem, and to rebuild a future for yourself.

Your experience sounds as if it has shaken you to the core. Being in a relationship with a person who has a disorder and is not taking responsibility for it themselves can really take its toll on the partner. As you try to make sense of the situation, you may find that you go through many mixed feelings and emotions, as you mourn for the person that your ex might have been had it not been for the disorder. I am sure that you will have seen glimpses of the person who she might have been from time to time, only to find this person lost again as the disorder took hold. In the process it may have seemed as if you were losing sight of who you are as you felt your own identity and sense of autonomy fading, swallowed up by all the issues surrounding your ex.

Therapy can help you to find your own identity again, and help you to look within yourself to prevent the same problems occurring again and repeating the patterns and the dynamic. It's important that you grow in self awareness, and learn about who you are as a person, as you rediscover your identity. If you can use this time as an opportunity for growth, learning and self discovery, then you can change what has been destructive and negative into something that is good and beneficial for you.

Please see the thread at the top of this forum about the Seven Stages of Grief after the end of a relationship.

You have posted this in the Relationship Forum, and you can receive a lot of help here as it's a supportive forum. I am going to post a link of this to the Histrionic Personality Disorder forum as there are people there who can also provide advice and support.

May I ask that those giving support also remember that HPD is a distressing condition for all concerned and to remain respectful towards the disorder.



I wish you well.

[quote]1.) Should i expect to hear from her in the future, if so how should i respond?
2.) What can i learn from this, apart from being stronger and not waiting for a change?
3.) Will she get better in the future and admit she was wrong at times, she never told me?
euphoria

Some points I forgot to post. In answer to your questions:

1) She may or may not get in touch. If you are 100% certain that you want no more contact, then you will need to keep it very brief and civil, and maintain strong boundaries so that she is clear about what you want.

2) You can learn from this is you can remember that in every relationship there are dynamics, In which both people play a part in creating, and that past patterns of behaviour can result in learned responses. If you can learn about the dangers of co dependency (you should Google "Co dependency in Relationship" you can be aware, and prevent this from happening again. It is important to remember that no two people are the same, and that no two cases of HPD are the same, and although is is natural to hate what HPD has done to your partner and your relationship, it is not helpful to hate the disorder per se as this can cause stereo typical thinking patterns based on one subjective experience. Your ex did not ask for the disorder, and whilst having the disorder does not excuse bad behaviour and she needs to take full responsibility for her behaviour, knowing a little about HPD can help you to realise the faulty mindset patterns she found herself being drawn into. It might help you to make sense of the situation. It is important to remember that none of this was your fault, that you did all you could, and that you didn't ask for any of this to happen. It is important not to be drawn into victim type behaviour or thought patterns. It is important not to become bitter or to stagnate. It is important to reclaim your identity and autonomy again. Having a short break from relationships might help you.Therapy can help you to move forward.

3) She will get better only if she recognises a need for help. Sadly, sometimes a person has to hit their own rock bottom in order to achieve this. Her recovery is not your responsibility. I know it might seem as if the disorder has stolen away the person that she might have been, and as such you may be angry with the disorder, you can't help her. Only she can help herself. This doesn't mean that you should be cruel or not encourage her to seek help, but all you can do is lead her to the water. She, herself, needs to drink it.

hiimhpd

1.) Should i expect to hear from her in the future, if so how should i respond?
2.) What can i learn from this, apart from being stronger and not waiting for a change?
3.) Will she get better in the future and admit she was wrong at times, she never told me?
euphoria

1. eh...... she may contact you but give it up
it seems like you two are not comptaible

2. eh... everything happens for reason, it probably helped you to experience more emotional range
and you can understand people/relationship in deeper sense now or it may lead you to something in the future seriously, may be in the future unexpectedly give you answer in some significant situation whatever.

3. pwah

Euphoria,

She sounds a lot like my cluster B. Mine spent a year with me, seemed to be monogamous, ..........Then when we got married she dumped me on the "honeymoon"......
and seduced a "hunk" within 1 week!


Females like this are basically spoiled brats......... kind of like the rich kid in high school
with the Corvette or Lambo........

they feel like they're royalty....... and we are pawns..........


P.S. Mine looked me up 5 years later when she had lost all her fan-club. But I wasn't going to make the same mistake twice.


after the internet cam along .......I found her..........

And no...... I will never get a real apology.

Because the world is her oyster...........