Need some clarity EX girlfriend

Hi Euphoria,

well your answer is clearly that you don't need to worry about her contacting you back, she's a female in her early 20s and has already found another suitable prospect. The market doesn't change the other direction tell after mid 20's or early 30s where males have had much more time to sort them selves out by IQ and work ethic and social status etc.

You have a very high ability to reflect and self-evaluate I'm a little jealous to be honest, or in admiration i'm not sure which.

I will give you this, the correct words to say were: "You're right. I'm wrong. I love you. Please, forgive me."

- Labor.

You only get the choice of the person your with, or winning the arguement.

Best of luck,

- Labor.

Thanks for the help everyone.

I know that some people don't match up but in my past, i havn't encountered such problems before.

For example. If there is a conflict of opinion, there was never a forcing to agree with the other person and if there was, i didn't and that earned respect. Isn't that the whole point of not getting walked all over.

Though with this example with the person suffering from the disorder, not agreeing turned into a full blown argument, crying, throwing things, swearing and blaming me for the cause. It leads to break ups eventually. Just like if your walked all over, the respect goes down and the attraction goes down. But here standing up for yourself and being there for them and then if they begin the abuse, calling them on it and if that doesn't work, leaving for both people to cool off, leads to a breakup. So its a lose/lose. (Eventually)

I know the 20s is a thing on its own, but this girl has always been "trying" to contact her ex boyfriend(s) and most of them i found out later, and did so when her relationships end.

Another interesting thing i release about the valuing and devaluing and how powerful it is, is really this. Meeting an attractive woman when out, either gets somewhere or doesn't, but either way there was no heartbreak, because you were never with them or emotionally invested. After this emotional roller coaster, things are different.

euphoria wrote:1.) Should i expect to hear from her in the future, if so how should i respond?
2.) What can i learn from this, apart from being stronger and not waiting for a change?
3.) Will she get better in the future and admit she was wrong at times, she never told me?

I was in a LTR with an HPD woman. The aftermath was confusing and lead me to learn more about PDs.

To answer your questions:

1.) It is highly likely she will reach out to you again. Probably when things start to fall apart with the next guy. You should avoid contact with her. It sounds to me like you are a healthy person. Don't go back down this road. There is nothing there for you.

2.) Pay close attention to how future girlfriends seek attention and how quickly they attempt to escalate the relationship. Listen close when they talk about their exes. Add up the big picture they are presenting to you and ask yourself if it all adds up to something you want in your life.

3.) She probably will not get better. PDs are tough to overcome. She won't be admitting any wrongdoing.

Good luck.

Thanks for the reply. NC it has been nothing but a positive experience for me.

Would have loved to experience the very pleasant highs you get in the BPD/HPD relationship without the lows, but that can't be!

Thanks again

It does sound like you've been in a relationship with someone who has a cluster B disorder. They can be incredibly confusing because indeed you can't win no matter what you do. You just can't when the rules change constantly (i.e., what someone else wants/thinks/feels is consciously or unconsciously is constantly switching to test you, or to cause failure). You can't win when you're dealing with someone who wants a different set of rules to apply to them versus you.

You also hit the nail on the head though with the thought that the attraction is that when things are good, they are really good, too good to be true even Having been there and done that, a relationship with someone who is disordered can be an incredible ego boost for us during the good times, but then there are the inevitable ego shattering lows too.

Hopefully you can find some solace now, move forward, learn from your experience, and maybe even ask, what was missing inside yourself that drew you into a relationship with someone who is not mentally health? There were many reasons I've been drawn in, and a lot we can learn about ourselves by sorting that out.

Best wises,

X

Yes it is very true.

The thing that drew me was the beauty no question along with the initial sexual connection and the the really cosy and comfortable way we could communicate. She was the "cute" type of good looking woman that seemed very innocent yet suggestive at the same time. She behaved mature at times and at other like a baby girl in her reactions to when i made plans to outings we went to that she liked or when i gave her her favorite chocolate or biscuits. Just like the look a baby gives when a new toy is given to them they like. They clap there hands and smile in a cute way. She would always talk about it being "safe" for her or "unsafe". Though when attacks were bring thrown and talking about the situation at hand rather than attacking the person didn't work, i was "expected" to still stay in the room where things are thrown at me, or "i wasn't there for her". But i didn't, only did a couple of times but it drains you.

At the start of the relationship i can not react or not take things to seriously but after a while i feel drained and exhausted and have to start leaving the room and she says i have to be happy "right after an argument so she is, but drained after many months, is this normal? I read that you need to set and assert firm boundaries to them so they don't cross them and know what is safe and what is not. If that doesn't work to suggest walking away for a few hours, that didn't work :S. So then not saying anything, turns into "WHY AREN'T YOU SAYING ANYTHING" as well and then i'm supposidly, "abusive", "inconsiderate" just like her ex boyfriend, ironically.

When she didn't get what she wanted, she would either run off, drive off to the beach and threaten to do something to herself, lock herself in the bathroom, threaten breakup, throw something at me or punch me (and i will never hit a woman and never have) or lastly she would punch herself :S and sometimes faint, which in the last 2 cases i would be there to prevent she stops hurting herself.

When she said, she just realized i can't be there for her and her ex can, because he asked her what's wrong and she opened up to him (even though she was talking bad things about him). I then told her "Why don't you turn around and attack him, without dealing with the situation at hand and see if he can be there for you".

She also said at times when we were not argument which i respected, to just hug her after arguments and tell her its going to be alright which i did regardless anyway, no matter how upset she was, but then after she calms down it goes straight to "now say your sorry and acknowledge your wrong" and if i didn't feel i needed to, because i felt it was a blame shift it turned into other arguments with tainting remarks and negativity and things being thrown at me and me expected to stay and be there for her.

I must say, when she was nice, she was caring just like a woman that was genuine and great but oh dear!

Yes codependancy and the hero complex, led me to try and fix things and stay longer than i should have.

thank you

euphoria -

Some thoughts for you, having been in this situation.

Often people with disorders have a lot of bottled up anger. Worse, it goes beyond being bottled up. More like self-renewing, and will go on, because indeed they don't deal with the root cause(s).

You've likely met bullies. Bullies are relatively easy to deal with, because the aggression is overt. It's there, out in the open, so easy to see it for what it is. When it comes to disordered types it is common for them to express their (often misdirected) aggression in covert ways. Covert is much harder to deal with for two reasons -

It is confusing for us what we're dealing with.

It is confusing for the aggressor, because they can deny even to themselves that they are being aggressive, so need feel no guilt, no remorse, so learn nothing from the outcome.

Harder still is this -

A disordered person with a lot of bottled up anger can be so sweet and kind to a stranger (just as you and I started off being that stranger), that it is utterly mystifying how they can be such a different person later when we get close. It feels completely backwards, to treat strangers better than a lover. You are not crazy. It is backwards

May I recommend a website? And I've read his book - I found it helpful:

http://www.rickross.com/reference/brain ... ing11.html

Hope that helps,

X

xdude wrote:euphoria -

Some thoughts for you, having been in this situation.

Often people with disorders have a lot of bottled up anger. Worse, it goes beyond being bottled up. More like self-renewing, and will go on, because indeed they don't deal with the root cause(s).

You've likely met bullies. Bullies are relatively easy to deal with, because the aggression is overt. It's there, out in the open, so easy to see it for what it is. When it comes to disordered types it is common for them to express their (often misdirected) aggression in covert ways. Covert is much harder to deal with for two reasons -

It is confusing for us what we're dealing with.

It is confusing for the aggressor, because they can deny even to themselves that they are being aggressive, so need feel no guilt, no remorse, so learn nothing from the outcome.

Harder still is this -

A disordered person with a lot of bottled up anger can be so sweet and kind to a stranger (just as you and I started off being that stranger), that it is utterly mystifying how they can be such a different person later when we get close. It feels completely backwards, to treat strangers better than a lover. You are not crazy. It is backwards

May I recommend a website? And I've read his book - I found it helpful:

http://www.rickross.com/reference/brain ... ing11.html

Hope that helps,

X

Thanks xdude, it was an interesting read and very truthful.

The whole "is it me or her thing" is all clear to me now and there is finally clarity, i feel sane again!

Now its just about getting over the relationship and the thought of her out of my head with someone else (even though we are not together). No logic to it, just the idea of it, was outside my reality and gets me somewhat jealous and disturbed. Which too will pass.

Thanks again

euphoria -

Yes, the getting over it sucks. You clearly felt a lot for her, and odds are that despite the issues, on some level she cared for you too (to the best of her ability, which may well be an immature ability as compared with others her age). For whatever it is worth, if she is disordered, odds are good no matter who it was/is, the relationship would have failed. You come across as a great guy in your writing, and I wish you the best.

p.s. Don't be surprised if you find yourself having repeated WTH happened moments over and over for a long time to come, but hopefully that will subside in time until one day you'll wonder what you were thinking getting into a relationship with someone who left you feeling so bad about yourself

p.s.s. The post relationship jealousy feelings seem entirely normal to me. No great way to make those feelings subside but time, and looking forward.