Maybe help me break this down?

So I posted once a few months ago about the person I know being an excellent mother but an awful partner under a different topic on this site (narcissistic-personality/topic81055.html). I was on a touring job and only recently did we reconnect. But we were not giving our connect any relationship type labels, as we were talking about seeing a counselor to see if we could make it long term without all the sadness and more happiness. She doesn't bend. She thinks it is okay to ignore someone and shove their feelings under the rug. She blatantly says everything is black and white. I am going to share this in hopes someone could break it down for me so I may understand what is wrong here.

Also, when she accuses me of destructive behavior, her idea of destructive behavior is me saying something hurt my feelings. When I say something hurt my feelings, she says I am attacking her. Then she proceeds to grow distant and begin to ignore me. She starts making character stabs. And, like a dog that has been bitten a few too many times, I definitely have said some crappy things that I perhaps should not have said.

Anyway, I spent hours researching yesterday and getting my hopes high that this may be a breakthrough and a good start to reaching mutuality and goodness. And they got shot down and I was completely shocked. This is what I began writing:

I will just preface this by saying I haven’t gotten a lot of sleep. On top of that, we have so much history and everything is so complex, I get overwhelmed and feel so compelled to write a book and do everything I can to put down everything in one letter because I am always in need of an immediate resolution. But I know this is not and won’t be because something so complex and long and in depth could never entirely be written. Nor could everything in my heart I want to express to you. But I hope to make this a series of letters that we can work on together. That is one of my solutions. I would like for you to share with me articles and ideas you find, share with me concretely what you need and what I can work on to become a better person, and cooperate with me as I do the same.

First off, I want to say we both see December very differently. You say I am mostly at fault and vice versa, but it is not fair from either one of us to say that because it puts the other in defense mode. I was not in your shoes. You were not in mine. I walked away adamant that you were at fault and, while I am (we both are) bitter about some things, I hear your story and see it better. And I find it is fair to not place blame, but being we are in different places and seeing it from different angles, we are both at fault...not more or less because my experience is mine and your experience is yours.

I took accountability on the phone last night to your biggest repeated concern and will now include it in this letter. While I find some actions being abusive, it is absolutely unfair and not my place for me to give you the definitive label of abuser and I am sorry. It is like an innocent person being unfairly tacked onto the sex offender’s list for all to see. I am not a licensed professional to be giving anyone that definitive label. And, again, I apologize.

I ask that you sincerely make an effort to research ignoring. I understand you have made it clear you never have bad intent, but maybe now you will have a better understanding of what it does to a person and how it makes someone feel. This is the thing that really hurts the most and would be a good start (again you are more than welcome to share what you feel will be a good start for me.) It is a punishment that is actually relatively common in relationships, going through the day as if the other is no longer there. There were many days where I was in this house and you went about the day as if I was not even present and it is the most suffocating, dizzying, painful feeling and it did make me want to bolt. Fast and far. In researching this for better understanding, I have found that it is far more damaging than physical harm. It signals parts of the brain that identify with torture. This also means that it induces physical pain because it hits that part of the brain also. There is a saying that goes along the lines of “The silent treatment is a method people us to ‘murder’ someone without leaving a visible corpse behind.” Meaning they psychologically “kill” you while your physical life goes on. It maybe sounds extreme, but it comes from the fact that when you ignore someone, you are denying their existence. It is so as to say I am not there and you don’t care enough to put energy into me or us. It banishes me. People use the silent treatment to effectively ignore problems. Rather than face reality, the silent treatment becomes a way of dealing with a difficult situation and has detrimental effects emotionally and physically on the receiver, resulting in low self esteem, depression, loss of belonging, increased stress and loss of control. I feel all of these and then some when I am being ignored. I’ve read that the silent treatment is issued to hide a vulnerability and awareness of who the person really is. By completely ignoring their partner, the issuer does not have to deal with any outstanding issues, and it is one of the unhealthiest ways of dealing with problems in a relationship. Now in taking into consideration everything you have communicated to me, I understand that inflicting that kind of extreme pain is not your intention and you likely were not aware of the extreme effects. But maybe in realizing it and reading about it if you can take the time to, you might not do it now that you know and we can try to reach better communication.

This is where a huge part of my accountability comes in. When I am feeling banished and like my very being is not being acknowledged and I am not being seen and there is a blatant disinterest and lack of concern for what I am feeling and thinking, I become desperate. It is like I died and didn’t know it and my ghost is in the room trying to talk to you, waving hands, shouting...and you don’t hear me or see me. It is like being buried alive and hearing people walk above you and screaming and not being heard. Can you imagine? It is crazy making. Again, I understand this was not your intent. But that is the effect. And so what happens is I get desperate. It’s like pounding on that coffin and not being heard. So I pound harder and don’t feel heard. And I pound harder again. Or like a nail not going into a brick wall... and it leads me to saying things that I look back on and realize it was wrong to say and brings me to what I am accusing you of. And none of it gets anywhere. It just spirals. In the moment it is not my intent. In the moment I feel I am screaming “Please hear me! See me!” And then I look back and I see where I was in the wrong, too. And I am sorry.

I love you. This means I see you as a beautiful person even when we are clashing. I can be totally disappointed and in disagreement and saddened but still be totally aware of all of your amazing qualities. Love doesn’t stop. In disagreements, I can still be totally aware of the awesome woman I fell in love with and thus still want to hug you and kiss you and remain close. And that is a huge part of my love language. I feel when we are good, it is the best thing in the world...but I need you to be my best friend not only in the good, but in the bad, too.

Color is black and white put together. Everything is a spectrum. Between birth and death, there is life. From beginning to destination, there is the journey. From dawn until dusk, there is day. From dusk until dawn, there is night. And somehow it is always said that it is not the destination, but the journey. In between life and death (black and white), it is not the time in your life, but the life in your time. You dream between night and morning, you live between morning and night. Between black and white, there are many shades of gray...or color. Nothing is black and white. Especially in relationships. Black-and-white thinking can prevent or ruin relationships. It categorizes us. It separates us. When we can get beyond that and see the shades of gray, or many colors for that matter, we see what we have in common. And only when we understand what we have in common can relationships really flourish, can we feel compassion, can real progress be made. Black and white thinking causes distance and isolates. Looking at the journey...the colors between...and bringing them together...preserves commonality and togetherness.


K to be continued...

And so these were the texts to follow:

Her: I appreciate that you wrote this. You make very good points trying to see where I'm coming from & that is very kind of you. I do need to say that you do not see me as I feel I am & that is what I struggle great with. And perhaps you feel the same about me. You write very well & I appreciate your exploration into solutions & where you see things or how you see things. You're description of the silent treatment scares the $#%^ out of me, I'll be honest.

Me: why does it scare you? im sorry.
i put a lot of time and work into that and am so afraid of messing up..i am going to address that feeling of me not seeing you correctly as i write more. i think i am seeing you better. i think in listening to you its like i said earlier...i didnt know "goods" could clash. i think we are two good people with very different approaches (really i think a lot of the things she has done to me is extremely unacceptable) and neither one is horrible. it just makes for some terrible misunderstandings and miscommunications. (so much for my effort in taking a different approach.)
i am trying so hard.

Her: I don't even know how to express in words where you have put my head with the descriptions of the silent treatment & then to say, "you likely were not aware of the extreme effects. But maybe now in realizing it and reading about it if you can take the time to, you might not do it now that you know..." The last part, "we can try to reach better communication" really is all I feel you needed to say. (I feel this is because she has never had an interest in how something makes me feel or what is going on in my inner being)

Me: ugh i tried so hard
im so afraid of messing up when my intent in creating an understanding was so very good

Her: Please understand that what I feel you wrote is a way of controlling me & my behavior. When things get bad because I feel you're being cruel (again stating my feelings have always been cruel to her) & accusatory & name calling (I called her a bitch one day when she was cutting into my core and tearing down everything everyone and I know myself to be and I felt small and defenseless, but she has also said I called her names when there was no name calling just as she accused me that I was going to hurt her and claiming she needs to call the cops or doing something when I was on a different floor of the house minding my business and playing with my ipod - crazy making. i push bugs out the door and she should know i couldn't hurt a living being), am I now supposed to stay engaged out of fear you're going to say I'm doing worse than murder or physical abuse? I don't use the silent treatment. I just step away from horrible & stop engaging in what I feel is cruel treatment towards me. You make it sound like I'm using silent treatment in a way an abuser does to consciously control their victim. I DO NOT!!

Me: i didn't say worse than murder and there is nothing controlling about that letter. my intent was so good and my efforts feel shafted in having such a good intent in creating an understanding in the feeling ignoring someone gives. to say it was controlling i feel is an accusatory statement.
i tried so hard. there is so much good in that letter and there is no focus on that fact.
and i didn't say you did.
i feel my good efforts just went down the drain. i can't tell you how high my hopes were.

Her: I know your intent is good but I do not agree at all with what you paint me doing in regards to silent treatment. Yes you may hate it & feel torturous that I have disengaged but I feel perhaps in my stepping away you need to look inside yourself & start analyzing what it is that you did to contribute to me being so damn hurt I had to step away. Because I do not utilize the silent treatment as a means of control or to torture my victims. That is not me. I know you hate I go distant but you saw me erupt with pain in the jeep this morning, that eruption is what is taking place on my end when I go silent!! Why? Because of the hurt you have done, because of the insults you say, because of the accusations you make! (just that morning in fourth coast i pointed out the difference in communication. i told her i used to be in very mutually kind and peaceful relationships. i also used to receive such amazing compliments. on a few separate occasions, random strangers followed me down the venice beach board walk to tell me they feel my energy is amazing. one guy followed me out of the store and said the same thing. a coworker of mine once said he can't see the door and knew i walked in because he felt a shift in energy. huge beautiful compliments and i do not hear anything like that anymore since i have been with her. because i feel she has beaten me down and torn it out of me. i don't feel it anymore. i pointed this out to her along with the fact that when i point my feelings out, i tell her concrete things that actually happened. she digs into me and tells me who i am and cuts into the core and shatters everything i know i am and who others have told me i am.) Please listen to what I am saying!

Me: sorry i unintentionally offended once again.
what i am saying is that is the effect it has and that is how it makes me feel and it needs not to happen. i want to listen to your needs and i deserve to have mine listened to. that is a need of mine.

Her: Then don't be cruel to me & it won't happen. No one NO ONE should have to stay in a den with a biting bear! No, they walk away & that is what I did until the bear stops biting!

Me: i don't see it that way

Her: And then you continue & blame me that because I was silent this is why you say things that were wrong. Last night I didn't go silent & Thursday when I was working on rockets I didn't go silent, last week thursday I didn't go silent... Am I still to be blamed for the $#%^ things you said on those days?? (actually I left because I got completely blamed solely for our break up in December and having an argument about how abusive she had been toward me) I don't think you have bad intent but I don't think using me going silent is a valid reason to why you say $#%^ things to me!

Me: i tried so hard today. i am feeling really small and belittled right now and like my good efforts are being ignored and i am even being told off and still blamed for it. my high hopes are shot right now. crushed.
i've not slept in nights.

Her: Your last paragraph is good. I like seeing the good writing you do. You have a great talent.

Me: thanks

Her: I know you had good intent in what you wrote. I just don't feel it addresses anything except to tell me that though I'm not conscious of it, I ignore you like a murderer or worse than a physical abuser & therefore you react back as a result. So ultimately what I read from you is that I am to be fully blamed & that I'm never allowed to step away, regardless if I'm feeling so beyond accused, name called, or feeling controlled. Nope, I must stay engaged to being thrown more hurt by you. After all, based on what you're saying, the reason you throw hurt is because I ignore you.

Me: i didn't say its like a murderer. its a metaphor. i am sick right now. i'll keep trying 'til i get it right. i actually reread it several times to check if anything could be taken offensively and i feel shot down and shocked right now.

Her: I am sorry, I know you spent a lot of time on this & I know you had good intent but I do not feel it addressed anything except put more blame in my lap & to say I am worse than a physical abuser, though I may not even realize it. #######5 feeling.

Me: i didn't say you are.
i feel i made that so clear.
i want to cry with frustration yet i feel paralyzed with exhaustion right now.

Her: If you feel I'm taking it the wrong way, can I please send thing to Mary or someone & ask if I'm reading this wrong & how they would read it? I won't say it's from you but a letter to my daughter from a friend? I appreciate what you wrote about December.

Me: do what you want but i suggest the whole letter be sent, not just a piece. my chest hurts. you should get your school work done.

Her: Okay. I'll ask the person to read & then comment & I'll send you their comments

Me: mary will always be on your side and give you biased results. so her comments will never sway me.

Her: Can you ask Nik or Sarah or Mercedes or kyra to read it & reply with comments? Tell them how I interpret & ask if I'm interpreting it wrong? I can't do this alone. I need someone to help & I think if we have someone hear what I think about what you wrote it'll help me see if I'm not reading your words correctly.

Me: ill think about it but im tired of everyone being brought into our $#%^. i wanted to start the approach of highlighting good.

Her: Can I send it to Mercedes?

Me: do what you want
just seems weird to suck someone into the drama that we barely know. so i hope she doesn't see us as crazies too.

Her: Well I need help.

Me: bob??

Her: I wonder if we could have Jen read it & I would pay her a small fee for her analysis?
Oh Bob!! Good idea!! He's in DC but I'll text him tomorrow & ask if he'll read & give feedback

Me: jen might be a good idea too
i think there will be to a degree a bias cause he is your friend
what i am feeling now is ashamed because i feel i was trying to bring to you an understanding and got my hopes up so high and i got told off for it. i am feeling rejected and ashamed and belittled in this moment and i really want to sleep.

Her: I desperately wanted to see it all as good. You wrote good in the letter. I am sorry. I feel you'd want honesty
You should know my heart feels your love & I know you are showing what you feel can be a solution. I do love you. I do know you mean kindness. I do know you are making an effort to put us in good. I do thank you. Good night. Sweet dreams.


Me: thanks. i love you too. goodnight. (where i am sleeping and the results of that is a whole other story in and of itself.

next morning:

Her: I thought a lot about what you wrote & I know where you are coming from. It's your feelings & it's your perception and it is so different from me & it's so incorrect as to knowing me & why I do what I do. But it's important for you to share because it gives understanding and for that I thank you.

Me: it's not how i see you or how i see why you are doing it. it is simply how it makes me feel and since you know it makes me feel that way i think a huge step would be that it no longer happens. that is it...i also asked you to help with resolutions. it is a reason that i am so afraid of writing or saying anything. i believe i am doing good and it gets turned to bad and i end up baffled and confused and my high hopes shot down.

Her: But we disagree that I'm doing it at times or that I'm wrong to do it at times.

Me: because of the effects on anyone being ignored...the scientific effects - look them up...it is always wrong to ignore someone.

Her: I think we should talk about this. I'm not shooting you down.
I hear how you see it & you're not wrong. I just think you're seeing this a lot different that I do & defining my behaviors as wrong & abusive. I know you don't like how I behave but I don't feel I'm doing anything wrong. I just think the way I live doesn't work for you

Me: i know. but what it boils down to is that it is always wrong to ignore someone. no exception. you may not have the intent and you are doing it for other reasons, but it is something that should never be done because it says "you do not exist right now and i have no interest in how you are feeling and what you are thinking." to say "let's talk about this and come to a mutual resolution now. how are you seeing it? how are you feeling?" is to say "i want good with you and i honor your being and have concern for your heart. let's work on this."
ignoring someone is not "how you live." what it all boils down to is that there is scientific evidence that ignoring someone breaks them down psychologically and emotionally and causes long lasting damage. there is also evidence that ignoring someone is one of the surest ways to destroy a relationship. and so it should absolutely never happen.
when you ignore someone, it is a self interest. when you step beyond anything you may be feeling and listen, it is a mutual interest that should never waiver in a relationship. it is also honoring the other person's being, which everyone's being should always be honored. it is, like you said in the beginning of the relationship, celebrating the life of the other. it is to say "you are alive and you exist and you have an inner world and i want to hear it. you are in my life and i chose you as a partner and i am so happy you are in this world. let's work on this together so we can stay good."
i know you are not someone who wants to inflict long lasting damage on someone but ignoring someone does and so i think a great start would be not to. that is all.

Her: I am in class. Sorry. And I see where you're coming from but the HUGE difference is that I don't believe I ignored you. (I have cried and asked her to talk and she has told me this ain't no Jerry Springer Show and slammed the door and left me alone. I have been brought to tears walking with her and she left me in the grass alone. I have asked her to talk and she has acted as if I am not there. I ave texted her things that aren't mean at all with a repeated no reply. I have stood in front of her crying and trying to say something was miscommunicated and we already established it and she stared at her phone as if I am not there and laughed. These are instances of ignoring. They are nothing else but ignoring as I see it.) To ignore is to purposely turn someone off for the sake of hurting them.
I believe what I did was to pull myself away from a destructive situation (saying my feelings are hurt) that was not healthy to stay engaged in. If a person is swinging punches it is not wrong to do whatever possible to avoid those punches. That is what I did. I did not ignore. I stepped away from a harming situation the best I could.

Me: I do not agree. I felt ignored and thus it is ignoring. whether it was your intent or not. that is where we need to learn to discuss rationally. i don't agree cause i know where i am coming from.

Her: Yes you have a right to believe I ignored & without a doubt the hurt you felt was real but as I see it your destructive words & actions caused you to be left feeling alone. I do know that if I were to redo December, besides laughing at my phone, everything that I did, including stepping away from engaging with you for two months, I would absolutely do again if I underwent the same destruction I was receiving from you. (another story in and of itself)
If I were to redo the times you were in the house & you felt I was ignoring you, I know the only thing I would do different is emphasize that is your responsibility to engage & it's not my job to roll out a red carpet for your comfort as I felt I was doing the best I could to make you comfortable & my life at times is overwhelming & I need you to step it up & don't sit back or go away and hide because I'm not giving you the attention I'm required to give you (I feel this is a false accusation. I never did this.)

Me: to say "roll out the red carpet" is an abusive statement and i will be presenting why to you when i can write but i have nowhere to write.

Her: And the times I did have hurt & I did pull even more away from engaging with you, I absolutely would do again but I would better communicate to you that the reason I am pulling away is because of your destructive words & behavior and that if you feel I'm purposely ignoring you, I am not & that you need to stop with being cruel and biting me (ie saying something hurt my feelings) & then yes I will re-engage. But everyone would, if in my position, step away from destructive hurtful unacceptable behavior

Me: and whether you see it or not, what you said last night to mechele will also be destructive to my reputation. i made it clear it was not that you were making a friend, it was the timing that was disrespectful to my heart. that woman is becoming a part of the community and talks with lori and it is going to turn into me being controlling and not allowing you to have friends which i made clear is the farthest from the truth. that you just didn't let my wounds heal before partaking in something that hurt me just a week prior.

Her: I absolutely do not hear at all you taking any accountability or acknowledgment for me disengaging (ignoring as you see it). Even yesterday you recognized the $#%^, horrible things you texted me, yet you think it's ok with saying such horrible, causing me to break down & cry with such physical & emotional pain, that I stay engaging with you?

Me: when i at first say my feelings are hurt and you claim that is an attack on your character when it is not you are the one engaging in something very destructive to any relationship.

Her: Wow!! I can't do anything right, can I?
Oh great. Now I'm being slapped for doing something kind & what I felt protecting your heart & feelings with requesting from Mechele that I disengage. I told you that I told her my reason is because my life is too busy.

Me: I am not going to text about any of this. we should talk or i should write. which i dont know if i see a point in writing cuz i feel i am saying everything good and get my hopes high only to get shot down.
I understand your intent was kind but they will now talk about that when i an not inhibiting you i thought the timing was disrespectful. people talk. and they do not know me or know anything i've said to you...

Her: Well then what would you have said I should do just ignore Mechele when she invites me to do something or wonders why I didn't come to the bonfire?

Me: i will only talk not text. no tone in texting. and apparently my good efforts in writing don't do much either.

Her: At this point I absolutely feel like you are controlling me. whether you'r conscious of it or not. you're constantly telling me that what i'm doing is wrong. just because i don't do it your way does not mean i am wrong. I do believe I am old enough and mature enough to make the right decisions and that is how I live my life. I do not need you to redefine how I make my decisions.

Me: i am not. and to say whether youre conscious of it or not is also an abusive statement.

You: Yes I can do a better job with making it clear to you as to why I am not engaging with you. and in my mind that was my biggest mistake. I did not ignore to cause you physical or emotional harm. I believe that you felt harm because you put yourself in those situations. As I said I take accountability for not communicating to you more clearly as to why I disengage. (she has and i have tried to say it's false. it is usually because i state my feelings and so she shuts me out and acts like i am not there. she talk over me constantly and i don't even get a word in edge wise. even in our good i will be talking and she will be elsewhere or cut me off to tell me i have great boobs or something. i have never felt important and wanted so badly to.)

Me: okay i am pulling back and laying low...please let me know when you might have an interest in my thoughts and feelings without cutting to conclusions or making false and hurtful accusations. "I believe you felt harm because you put yourself in those situations." another extremely, extremely abusive statement. perhaps you simply are not the person for me. i love you and wish you were. i am pulling back. i am not that person. i am not controlling. i don't put myself in harmful situations. i don't harm others. i have tried in the last two days to better our situation and it seems for not because my viewpoint and feelings get shoved under. i am not texting. i am pulling back and i really want to lay low until i am done with school.

Her: Fine then, i am pulling back and laying low too. If you accuse me that I'm ignoring, I'm doing the same thing you're doing.

Me: fine. i have no place in a world where my feelings aren't heard and i am made to feel so small and unimportant. i made really great efforts and spent a lot of time trying to reach mutuality and strong resolution and what do you do? come at me with blame, false accusations, a couple very abusive statements and character stabs. i am not that person. so i really don't care if you lay low. spare me that hurt. you have hurt me so bad at this point i will not be showing up to any events or anything like that. my heart really can't take it anymore.

She even has me blocked and ignoring me now because she called and I started crying in public and hung up and apologized and let her know I am not ignoring her and actually answered the second time she called because I realized that could have come off as rude and didn't get an answer when I picked up. So she called me some names and blocked me...