I've fallen for an HPD! I feel stuck, is it too late?

People with HPD can likely feel 'love' intensely, at least at first.

What likely feels wrong to you is the extreme emotions. On some level you must know that if you tried to have a committed realtionship with her that she'll grow bored, and that has nothing to do with you so much as it has to do with she seeks emotional thrills (to cover up other feelings).

It's a big emotional thrill being to seduce and fall in love with someone new. The honeymoon phase of a relationship. Clearly you are enjoying this as well, even at the expense of a committed relationship (p.s. not judging you).

Problem for you is, you two are no longer new. At the moment what is likely keeping it alive is that you are not committed to each other, so it remains exciting for her.

Are you going to be okay emotionally when the newness wears off for her and you find it wasn't so much about you, but about the thrill of the seduction, the honey-moon phase for her? Or are you going to feel like you gave up everything for her only to find that she is bored with you too and end up hurt? She probably won't end up hurt. Read these forums. How rare it is for someone with HPD to lament a relationship failure versus how many NONs here are here because they've been hurt due to a failed relationship. She holds all the cards really because what may feel real to you is, to some degree, more like a game to her so she is unlikely to be hurt where you may end up really hurt.

xdude wrote:People with HPD can likely feel 'love' intensely, at least at first.

What likely feels wrong to you is the extreme emotions. On some level you must know that if you tried to have a committed realtionship with her that she'll grow bored, and that has nothing to do with you so much as it has to do with she seeks emotional thrills (to cover up other feelings)

You think that emotional thrills are "wrong"?

- Labor.

Super wrote: she tells her friends amazing stories of her exploits with these same men

Super wrote: I just don't trust her though, something's not right. Yet I can't stop.

You can stop, because eventually the relationship will end anyway, and you will just become another one of her stories, if not already.

Best to leave on your own terms, with your pride intact, and stick to it.

thisislabor wrote:You think that emotional thrills are "wrong"?
- Labor.

Laborer let me give an extreme example, then I'll answer it again in another way.

Take a worst case example to make the point. Jeffery Dahmer, a well known sociopath, got his thrills by torturing people. 99.9% of the people in every society would agree what he did was wrong, and I can pretty much guarantee you so would he if he had been the victim.

In other words, emotional thrills at any cost are wrong.

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So what cost? Primarily the cost to others. Emotional thrills are not in and of themselves wrong. Emotional thrills that harm others are wrong in the minds of the others, and ... one way to really validate what is objectively (as objective as it's possible to be) right/wrong is to to ask a simple question.

If the shoes were on the other feet, how would it feel? For example if a person with HPD was being emotionally/physically cheated on, and if that would hurt the person with HPD, then it validates that the behavior is objectively hurtful.

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In this particular case they are both getting emotional thrills out of it so it's really not so bad, though my question to the OP is, is he aware that her goals and need for emotional thrills, and his own may not really be in alignment? Like is he really thinking this affair is leading up to a relationship, and will he really be hurt when it ends? Because there is a good chance the woman he is involved with has a different set of priorities. They just happen to be aligned now, but that could easily and probably will change.

Ok, point taken. was just curious what you meant.

- Labor.

he's married. But so am I, god help me. The email I got from her angry husband exposed a litany of her past adventures. He's the doormat. I'm the the next.

In this situation, there are four people - four people who can potentially be hurt. It might help if you can ask yourself what is lacking in your marriage that has caused you to be so distracted from it.

Xdude said

So what cost? Primarily the cost to others. Emotional thrills are not in and of themselves wrong. Emotional thrills that harm others are wrong in the minds of the others, and ... one way to really validate what is objectively (as objective as it's possible to be) right/wrong is to to ask a simple question.

If the shoes were on the other feet, how would it feel? For example if a person with HPD was being emotionally/physically cheated on, and if that would hurt the person with HPD, then it validates that the behavior is objectively hurtful.

--

In this particular case they are both getting emotional thrills out of it so it's really not so bad, though my question to the OP is, is he aware that her goals and need for emotional thrills, and his own may not really be in alignment? Like is he really thinking this affair is leading up to a relationship, and will he really be hurt when it ends? Because there is a good chance the woman he is involved with has a different set of priorities. They just happen to be aligned now, but that could easily and probably will change.

He has made some very valid points here. This situation has the potential to cause a great deal of heartbreak for all concerned, you included. I will post this to the Relationship Forum, leaving a Shadow Thread here, so you can get input from both forums.

Xdude:

Problem for you is, you two are no longer new. At the moment what is likely keeping it alive is that you are not committed to each other, so it remains exciting for her.

Yes, this is what I think about, every day. Reading these forums, strict boundaries and consequence are the only hope. Plus I turn myself paranoid and doubt everything. Violate her privacy and read everything, emails, texts.

Xdude:

my question to the OP is, is he aware that her goals and need for emotional thrills, and his own may not really be in alignment? Like is he really thinking this affair is leading up to a relationship, and will he really be hurt when it ends?

Until very recently I was sure we could make it work. She would do anything for me!

I have made my concerns known to her. I have not overly accused her of HPD (interestingly it was her that gave me the idea; she accused someone else of having HPD. I looked up the definition and was somewhat shocked to see her own personality described, and not her intended target at all! She was not amused and said "I knew you would reach that conclusion).

She has changed over the two years we have been together - the fan club appears to have withered. She doesn't flirt as much (that I see). I think now she sees my criticism as the ultimate challenge to a HPD, and is wearing the mask and performing the role that I ask? In conversation the word "prison" slipped out of her mouth, about us. When I asked what she meant she said she was joking and just changed the subject.

She is getting older (but she looks 10 years younger!) and I think she desperately fears being alone.

I'm seeing her again today. When I see her in the street, walking towards me, I just melt. And she does the same.

SD

Super wrote:I melt .....And she does the same.

Maybe, but not for very long.

Very bad, very tragic.

Your personal security and that of your mistress' could be at risk...what if her husband finally flips after all this abuse and harms or even murders the both of you?

And anyways think of the damage you are inflicting on him, your wife, any children, and on yourself and yes, on her...she might seem like she's in charge of all this but she is also a victim and you are enabling her.

This sounds like destruction all around and you and everyone in your families will have a taste of it.

I would break it off right away and seek help with a sexual addiction counselor.

Orion said

Your personal security and that of your mistress' could be at risk...what if her husband finally flips after all this abuse and harms or even murders the both of you?

And anyways think of the damage you are inflicting on him, your wife, any children, and on yourself and yes, on her...she might seem like she's in charge of all this but she is also a victim and you are enabling her.

This sounds like destruction all around and you and everyone in your families will have a taste of it.

I would break it off right away and seek help with a sexual addiction counselor.

This could be potentially a very dangerous situation. As Orion said, her husband could react violently, or even harm himself. Your wife would also be very hurt if she found out, and who knows what her reaction would be? There are FOUR people here who could all be potentially hurt and damaged by this situation, and it sounds like it is getting out of hand.

Orion advised you to get help with a sexual addiction counsellor. In some ways, it does sound as if you're addicted to this woman, and possibly the thrill of the forbidden aspect of the affair. Is this worth the damage and hurt that will inevitably ensue for both your partners when all this comes to light? The longer this carries on, the more likelihood there is of both your partners finding out. You could stand to lose your marriage and your entire way of life.

If your marriage was in trouble before the affair, it would be make more to work at it, and if it can't be worked at, to do the decent thing and end it in a way that will cause the least amount of pain for you both. Ending it might be a very drastic thing to do without talking things over initially. Marriages often hit rough patches when there is a lack of honest communication, and opening up the lines of communication between you both could greatly benefit your marriage, or at least help you to understand why and where things went wrong. Having an affair can only lead to heartbreak all around.