Is it me or is it him?

Hi! I am Tasha (26 yrs.). I have been diagnosed with BPD and ADHD...which is a horrible combination for a person's mind. I have been in a relationship for almost 4 years with my boyfriend Nick, (33 yrs). We have a child together and have recently bought a house, (which is in his name only...) I have consistently had a job and was able to contribute a little bit financially to our household for 3 years. Nick has displayed control issues in the past, mostly regarding my friends, my point of view and insisting I realize he is the "bread-winner" so he has control over everything we own together. He makes $44k a year, I made $12k last year and that is the most I have ever made in a year. I was fired recently, mostly because Nick didn't trust me and encouraged me to sabotage my job so that I wasn't influenced by my friends at work.

Since losing my job, Nick has become much more controlling. It is reached ridiculous levels; for example I love my coffee and knowing we were out of coffee and I drink it two to three times a day...Nick refused to go grocery shopping just because. He had no reason, just that he didn't want me to have something I wanted. He insists I act like a child...and I will admit, I can act like a child at times, but the fact that he tells me I have to be taught lessons and he punishes me as if I was a teenager when I upset him worries me. The other night I was telling him that I thought I was an Empath. I am a very empathetic person and when Nick isn't around...I am always offering to help complete strangers and he criticizes me for volunteering. After telling him about the Empath traits I felt I possessed, he went through the list and told me how I was wrong for each one. He says that I am not empathetic at all because I do not consider his feelings all the time. He listed off about 10 incidents from the past few months where he said I acted selfishly. I started crying because I honestly started to believe him. I thought I was oblivious to my true self. The thing is, and I told Nick this...I see Nick as selfish and controlling and lacking empathy. He hung up when I started crying and texted me saying that when I could act like an adult he would continue the conversation. (I was talking with him on the phone while he was working.) So I started looking into things. Knowing I am a BPD, I started with that to see if I missed something, then I read about NPD. I think I have read everything on the first 3 pages of Google about NPD and the NPD/BPD "dance". Everything became so clear to me.

Some of the things that made the light bulb go off immediately was the traits Nick possesses. I am willing to bet money that at least twice a month he tells me, "If you don't do what I tell you to, then you can just move out." When I cry about anything...he shuts down. Like my emotions control a switch in him. When I talk to him on the phone, if he isn't interested in what I am saying...he will set the phone down and walk away. He says if he hangs up, I will just call back. Face to face, he doesn't usually acknowledge I am even speaking to him...unless we are arguing. If we are arguing about something, he maintains eye contact with me almost as though his life depends on it. He tells me I don't appreciate anything he does for me and that I am needy and emotional. He tells me I am crazy and a "lady of the night" (he uses another word...) He tells his friends I am crazy and if we are arguing over the phone while he is working...he talks really loud and talks down to me so that his coworkers can hear his authority over me. Something that really upsets me and I should be used to it is when we run into one of my friends, he doesn't engage in conversation or even acknowledge them unless it is to mention, "well I make the all the money so she is taken care of", or "if it wasn't for the money I saved and my good credit, we wouldn't have gotten the house we bought." I am not exaggerating and I know a symptom of my condition is that I misinterpret many things that are said. I have had plenty of time to analyze all of this and when I tell Nick that it upsets me when he says those things it makes me feel very inferior, he tells me that I am.

Knowing that if this relationship is going to work we need to see a therapist, whether he is npd or I am or whatever. He agreed that I needed therapy and if my therapist needs his perspective on my behavior at home, he might attend a session or two with me. When he said that I was livid. So I told him I think he has npd and he needs help too. He said if I mention to him that he has a problem again I can just pack my things and move out. So I started therapy on my own. After reading more into my situation, I learned that my bpd can provoke narcissistic tendencies in people I am close to. So again I started thinking, well maybe it is just me and I am being selfish and needy.

Right now I am very emotional because I see this ending a couple different ways and none of them are going to be easy and some might even get much worse before anything gets better. I don't want our relationship to end. When I met Nick I felt that he came into my life to help me become a better person, and now I think that we are meant to help each other. And I don't want to seem like I don't appreciate what Nick has done for me. Because of him, I went back to college, earned my associates degree and I am currently working on my bachelors degree. He has helped me pay off creditors to improve my credit. He helped me get my very first car, in my name. We have tons in common and get along great most of the time. As long as I don't step out of my role in the relationship. I thank him all the time when he does something nice for me, even if its just making me a cup a coffee. I have told him numerous times that I truly appreciate everything he does for our family and that although I seem depressed and distant at times, that I am happy and I just don't know how to deal with all these random emotions I am feeling. I am so confused. Just today we had an amazing day, no arguing, saw eye to eye on everything. But when he got to work he texted me and told me if I don't quit smoking by tomorrow he is going to break any cigarette he finds. I swear he is trying to get a rise out of me and trying to push me over the edge. I fear my reactions to him when he does this. I am worried our son is going to have bpd or npd if we don't attempt to fix ourselves.

I guess, if you made it this far down the post, I am looking for feedback and support. I want to know if I am bringing out the worst in him or are we bringing it out in each other?

Couple other things that just came to my mind. On his birthday I asked him to watch the baby while I went shopping for him and to get him the cake he wanted. When I got home I was yelled at for being selfish and asking him to watch the baby on his birthday. His birthday is one of the only holidays he truly celebrates. Couple months later when discussing christmas gifts, I was told that because I made his birthday so horrible, I wouldn't be getting anything and not to expect anything for my birthday which comes 10 days after christmas. My friends that do not like Nick did not base their opinions on what I may have said because I give a lot of credit to Nick. They don't like him because of social interactions with him. Do you see how torn I am on this? I can't decide if I am a victim or not. I am arguing for both sides here! While I am arguing for his side too, I will admit that I can be an impulsive crazy lunatic and when he upsets me, I will go out of my way to make sure he is aware that I am upset. Which is selfish of me. I am kinda worried that if he does have npd, it has rubbed off on me. To the outside world, I can come across as very full of myself and over confident even though I feel none of that on the inside. In fact, my immediate family, (mom and sisters) did not know I had bpd until recently because of the mask I wear. I grew up hiding my flaws and trying to fit in...so acting like someone else is almost a natural reaction.

I do not think it is you. He sounds very controlling, and the relationship only works if he has HIS way 100%.

The other night I was telling him that I thought I was an Empath. I am a very empathetic person and when Nick isn't around...I am always offering to help complete strangers and he criticizes me for volunteering. After telling him about the Empath traits I felt I possessed, he went through the list and told me how I was wrong for each one. He says that I am not empathetic at all because I do not consider his feelings all the time. He listed off about 10 incidents from the past few months where he said I acted selfishly. I started crying because I honestly started to believe him.

He devalues all your efforts, you sound lovely to me! Without volunteers like you many 'lost souls' would suffer. I have volunteered myself helping the homeless, C.A.B (citizens Advice Bureau UK) etc.

Knowing that if this relationship is going to work we need to see a therapist, whether he is npd or I am or whatever. He agreed that I needed therapy and if my therapist needs his perspective on my behavior at home, he might attend a session or two with me. When he said that I was livid. So I told him I think he has npd and he needs help too. He said if I mention to him that he has a problem again I can just pack my things and move out. So I started therapy on my own. After reading more into my situation, I learned that my bpd can provoke narcissistic tendencies in people I am close to. So again I started thinking, well maybe it is just me and I am being selfish and needy.

He agrees YOU need therapy and he is "happy to give his perspective on your behaviour at home"
OH MY!!
The very mention that he might have a problem and he tells you too go. Pathological NPDs never admit fault, and will not go to therapy except to confirm that they are right and you are wrong.

I guess, if you made it this far down the post, I am looking for feedback and support. I want to know if I am bringing out the worst in him or are we bringing it out in each other?

You are NOT 'bringing out the worse in him'. Do not blame yourself for his selfish behaviour.
I suppose your post rings bells with me as your description of your boyfriend reminds me so much of my ex husband (NPD)
You have a advantage on me as I knew nothing of NPD when I was married, I consistently blamed myself for everything. It was exhausting mentally and physically.
Only you know what you want to do in this situation, do you want to stay or go.
If he would go to therapy and accept he has a problem then there's hope, but it sounds like he won't.

You know you're disordered already. How you describe nick... he sounds very disordered as well... you have very good insight, he clearly does not have any.

Your relationship is an extremely toxic one, one that WILL ruin your son... there are no 'ifs' about that. Document everything, date... time... and write down all his abusive and demeaning comments towards you. Write down and document as many of the past experiences you can remember as well.

You can almost guarantee he will behave the same/similar way towards your son when he is older as well. You don't sound ready to leave for your own sake, you do need to leave for your son's sake though... at the very minimum until nick realizes he has a problem and seeks help for it.

Your son deserves a fair chance at growing up to be a healthy adult, you are the only parent he has with insight into the problem, you're the only one who can help ensure your son grows up to be a healthy adult.

I'm sure you're no saint in your relationship either, but regardless... his treatment towards you is not justified... you are not responsible for how he treats you. He's responsible for his own actions.

tashroyc wrote:He agreed that I needed therapy and if my therapist needs his perspective on my behavior at home, he might attend a session or two with me.

If a spouse every said that to me, I'd kick him straight in the balls. He's speaking to you like you're a child.

You both bring out the worst in each other. You need to start preparing to leave, as I said... document everything he says... it will come in handy during any custody issues etc... Prepare yourself mentally to leave as well. You may not be willing to do it for yourself, but like I said... you have to do it for your son. You have to be a responsible parent and eliminate this toxic environment.

Hun, this guy sounds very abusive, and living in these conditions will not help your disorder. I agree with the others here who say that this relationship is controlling.

Please, for your own sake and the sake of your baby, think about taking steps to leave for your own health and safety. Emotional abuse tends to worsen over time, and can often escalate into physical abuse. Is there a Womens Aid Group in your area who you could contact for advice?

It would also be helpful to enlist the help of family and friends in this situation, and for you to tell them what is going on.

You deserve so much more than this.