womens advice

i need advice on how women think.i been with my wife for 12 great years,our relationship gets better every year,sex is better every year our friends envy our relationship.i only told 3 women that i loved them and know now that i only really ment it once with my wife.my question is if a women was used in a relationship only for sex then he broke up with her when she got feelings.and this happened a few times why won't a women admit that for whatever reason she got used.it's like they try to justify it buy saying it didn't work or somethink.example if a guy ask you to come over at 11 pm and you sleep with him on the first night then after he takes you out only once a week and 90% of the time it's to a motel in another state and only after dark doesn't want anything to do with your family when you lived at home even a little daughter,when you ask about things like this he brakes up with you makes plans than never calls or shows up and you put up with this for some reason.if you were played and used why when you find the guy you truley love and he knows about this don't you admit that yes it happened and i really regret being treated like that by him,i was hurt by a previous relationship which messed me up but now with you i'am a stronger person.my wife although i know she regrets this she to me justifys it as we dated.thats not dating thats being played.any women care to help me understand,note we been together for 12 years but this sometimes comes up to me because i work with this guy

why are you worrying about something that happened before your wife met u?.why do u need her to say she was used?.do you need to hear that your a much better person than him?.we have all had bad relationships..its how we find out what a good one is.my fiance knows that my ex was a not very nice person...but he doesnt feel the need for me to tell him that i hate him or that i was stupid for getting into a reltiobship with him...alll he(we) care about is how we treat one another and our love for each other.

i think you need to have a long hard think as to why u want your wife to admit she was used.and id also say that i wouldnt see it as being used...id have thought of a learning curve in her life.we learn from our mistakes but dont want or like to be reminded of them

tornquad2 wrote:.if you were played and used why when you find the guy you truley love and he knows about this don't you admit that yes it happened and i really regret being treated like that by him,i was hurt by a previous relationship which messed me up but now with you i'am a stronger person.

it's a kind of perplexing as to why you want to have your wife admit to YOUR opinion on her past. i agree with jocasey, it sounds like you want to hear affirmation or gratitude from your wife on how much happier she is being with you. you write that you work with that person with whom your wife was involved with. i can imagine it can be an awkward situation, i hope you don't feel insecure by his presence and by the fact that at some point your wife had feelings for him. that was long time ago! the fact that you have been married to her for 12 years and things are still wonderful, even getting better, should be answer enough!

years ago in the begining i knew how my wife felt about this time in her life.something happened that hurt her really bad and this guy took advantage of this time in her life.i've seen her throwup thinking about this and i didn't know what was going on sometimes it was a tv show that triggered it but she talked to me about her feelings as a man i knew that he played her and know that he's done it with others because we work together.yes it is awkward and for 11 years i never thought about it because we never seen each other but we do now.please know that i don't bring this up to my wife as i know that is wrong and only will make her relive her regrets,maybe i wrote it wrong i don't need her to admit it to me and maybe she knows herself,i know her best friend told her at the time that she was messing up and she ended it.also i never been insecure i new the first time we were together that she never been with someone like me i also was the first guy in her life to tell her first that i loved her and i loved her more everyday.maybe i just need advice on the work thing

I just can't get my mind around why this is still so troubling for you 12 years later?? I understand you love your wife and so of course, knowing how the guy treated her probably leaves you w/ a very low opinion of him. Especially if you feel he truly still treats women so callous. But beyond that, I don't get why it's not more then just a fleating thought when you first came to work w/ the guy. It's 12 years past. It happened to your wife, not you. It's not your problem or past to deal w/. Ok. I do get that you were there as a comfort to your wife when that first came to be. But she's now had 12 years w/ you...a solid upstanding decent and loving guy! She is married to you...has your children and you are together in a really great relationship. That should be your focus and not someone that wronged your wife all those years ago.

You said you want to know how to deal w/ the work thing. Treat this guy as who he is now and not who he was 12 years ago. What happened between him and your wife should stay in the past. It isn't for you to bring to present. You don't have to like the guy and this really shouldn't be something that gets in the way of how you work together. It's simply so long ago. It was between him and your wife...and you really have to remember that when it happened...you were not part of your wife's life. You came after the fact. It's sweet you want to be your wife's "Knight in Shining Armor" but it really sounds like she fought that battle for herself long ago. If she has come to terms w/ that part of her past, you need to let this go. Don't look for trouble where it really need not exist.

angel thanks,your right it comes and goes the thing is i never think about any of my wifes ex boyfriends even her ex husband who did abuse her because i don't ever see them "out of sight out of mind"but this isn't like that for me i see him i'am reminded of what happened.i only thought about it recent i think because we have three daughters and one is around the age to go to school dances i'am very protective of my four ladies because there my life in alot of ways they changed me to think like this.my friends say i'am getting soft but i don't want nobody to ever hurt or use them and i'am forced to remember that i probally did it also when younger.now i see it threw there eyes and sort of hate guys who play on girls emotions.thanks for your time it did help and i'll try to let go,it's hard because i'am a grudge holder.which goes back along time ago when my dad left my mom says i never forgave anybody since.so it is hard but i beleive that only once in a lifetime you find someone your meant to be with and i'll never let this come between us.i know this is my problem and not hers so i never bring it up to her.

well it's good that you don't bring it up to her! But it's unfortunate that you are struggling w/ it affecting you to the degree it is. I can understand that from time to time when you see him, you are reminded of how he treated someone you have come to love and care for. So in turn you think "yep...this guys scum"....as long as you let it go at that...so long as you are not consumed w/ that thought for a long period of time once you have it!

I can understand your desire to protect your daughters from the scum of the world!! That's a natural parent's reaction.

I wish I had advice on HOW you can let this go.....that I'm not so good at!

I have a lot of girlfriends who have stayed in bad relationships, and no matter how much we try to tell them to get out, we can't. You can't help who you fall in love with, and you'll make excuses for it. That was probably the case with your wife and that guy. But you get over it, and I'm sure she has no lingering feelings for him. If the guy you work with starts to get on your nerves, try to avoid him whenever possible.

Tornquad, here's the thing about women... we are nurturers (most of us, anyway). That means that we want to find the best in everyone and protect it as fiercely as we would a pot of gold. We try to see the best in the people we care about, and sometimes we don't even have to try--it just happens. That is half of the equation.

The other half is that seeing the worst in others is simply too painful for us sometimes. I am struggling very, very hard to get over someone who treated me like total garbage. Although he tried to hide the facts from me (and did a pretty good job), I didn't try all that hard to find them. I wanted to see the best in him, and he did his best to masquerade as a normal human being. He did a good job. It is SO incredibly painful to admit to myself that he never cared for me in the least. I am left to deal with what that says about who I am and what I am actually worth. That is a tough thing to examine and avoiding it is much easier.

Your wife already knows her value to you. Isn't that all that really matters? Apparently, it is to her. She doesn't need to waste her time admitting she dated a complete loser a lifetime ago. He is so unimportant now that he is a speck on the windshield. Why not give her the luxury of looking at her future instead of the past that she has overcome? Doesn't she deserve happiness? I can assure you that if she loves you, her dismissal of this guy's actions is not out of affection for him but is instead about focusing on what she has now--YOU.

She forgave him, so you must as well. Look at it this way--he lost BIG here. Be glad that he did because how else would you have claimed the prize? If you love her, you must see how stupid he was not to see what he could have had. It is incredibly lucky for both of you that this man was so blind. It brought her one step closer to you.