I let her back in, protected by my new-found knowledge

I have an HPD "friend" who lives 2 doors down from me that I fell for over the summer when we first met. Knowing what I know now, I did so many things wrong it is laughable. I had been out of the dating game a while, I was out of shape, and this very cute woman who is 10 years younger than me treated me like I was all of it. I should have realized something wasn't quite right, but I fell for it hook, line and sinker.
I actually fell for it so hard that she wasted no time in devaluing me and I became obsessed trying to undo my screw-ups and win her favor again because I was sure she's "the one." I spent a lot of time on pick-up artist message boards, joined a gym (lost 40 pounds) and started dating a lot of other women. During that time she friended me and told me that she "loves" my two sons, who are 12 and 13; I'm a single dad.
Of course, I now realize her "love" for my sons is because they are great athletes and great boys and she wants them to rub off on her son (9 years old) and her relationship with them helps her to keep up the "pure" facade. They are also very well known because of their athletic prowess, so I'm sure she maximizes on this as well.
About a month ago, after falling for her and trying for months to win her over, I finally just told her "either we will be more than friends or nothing" and professed how much I was in love with her (which I now know probably repulsed her) I walked away. She even had the last word in our final argument when she told me in a text "Just leave me alone. We are not friends anymore." Reading these forums I figured letting her win would be the end of it, and for a month it was.
Four days ago her grandpa died, and she made a huge spectacle of it on Facebook. She created several posts, maximizing on people's sympathy and I actually felt bad for her. She was always good at making me feel guilty. I just sent her a simple text "Sorry about your grandpa." A minute later she replied with "Thanks" and I thought that was the end of it.
Two days passed and I got a text from her yesterday morning asking if I could acquire some info for her; a boy who is much older than her son was bullying him on the school bus. I got the info for her and she replied with "You are so awesome....thank you....I miss you like crazy....but the boys more. "
Absolutely fascinated by this creature I decided to carefully see where this would go. Until her grandpa died, our last couple of weeks were bitter and hate-filled; how in the hell could she "miss me like crazy" after only 4 weeks? Of course I know the answer. I responded "Yeah, I'm sorry things got complicated between us. Maybe we can hang out sometime." I made sure not to apologize or blame her in any way, and kept things intentionally vague.
She responded with "I would love to!!!! :):)" A couple of hours later she sent me a text: "Are u busy tonight" and I answered "Yeah, busy weekend." She replied "Ok" and I haven't heard from her since. Prior to perusing this board I would have probably responded "Not really busy tonight. Why, do you want to do something?" and she would have no doubt flaked on me after realizing she had me hooked as a fan club member again.
I'm going to keep playing cool and see where this thing goes. If I never hear from her again, fine. I've gotten used to being without her and I no longer care about her the same because I know what she is. I'm just fascinated by this bizarre disorder that I had never heard of until about 5 weeks ago. I don't mean to disrespect any of the HPD sufferers by treating this "friend" as a kind of lab rat, but it is exciting being able to predict what she will do, and now being able to make sense of her behaviors that had me so confounded before.
I'll keep you all posted, and if this thread gains traction I'll delve into specificity regarding her past behavior that led me to this board. Thanks for letting me get this off my chest.

Dating an active PD, hmm don't know if I would recommend it, might be a waste of your time better spent finding a better woman. Could also have a negative effect on your other relationships. Your sons might wonder if you have gone crazy.

But at least you have knowledge, if you must do it.

I once posted how it would be ok to date an adult HPD woman if you were on a level playing field, hip to what she was all about, and you didn't unilaterally fall in love. This post brought forth a storm of protest from some unlikely HPD forum participants, one a stripper who liked tying guys up during dominatrix S&M sorties, the other either HPD or NPD who had all sorts of boyfriends she had sex with in her house (in addition to her husband). You would think from their high moral tone that they were Nuns.
But such is the nature of some HPD's or other cluster B's...they usually don't like that level playing field, preferring that you be obsessed with them; all the while it's ok for them to flirt or even sleep with other guys; often the flirting goes on right in front of you. After all, for some in their minds they're disordered victims...they can do what they want, and the evil Non world has it coming to them.

And some others would scream out that dating an HPD is like dating...a female child, correct in a limited way, but the wierd Jeckyll and Hide nature of many active HPD's indicates they are no strangers to relationship conflict, and so they also kinda prowl about the dating landscape, going after what they perceive to be vulnerable guys, not unlike tigresses going after weak antelope. Although one part of them is under 18, another part is often tough, street saavy, even older than their chronological age, and at least their presentation is uber hot, whatever the later possible confusion and ambivalence regarding orgasms and other bedroom pleasures. And, she might be a combo NPD gold digger, or maybe so androphobic she'll amount to nothing more than a tease, taking great pleasure in having you chase her, then frustrate you, over and over. And, who knows? maybe she's even interested in your sons - some HPD's enjoy the fatherly attention provided by an older man, but also are attracted to the risk, thrill and erotic energy presented by younger men - sometimes men much younger then they are. Many HPD's are experts at creating relationship triangles and harvesting the resulting jealousy for their own self-validation...don't think you would want to be tangled up in a relationship triangle with one of your sons.

So, do what you must, keep your guard up, have fun, learn, and simultaneously date other healthier women...they will often be a source of insight as to your HPD girlfriend's behavior, and more importantly an anchor for your own sanity.
But above don't forget you are human, so if and when another woman - maybe even her - offers you respect and love, you'll remember what it is, and be able to return it.

Thanks Orion; yeah, my oldest son doesn't like her at all because he is a lot like me (thinker) and he realizes something just doesn't jive with her. Her over-exuberance gets on his nerves as well. My youngest son has actually figured out a way to exploit her "love" by getting her to buy things for him. He is very perceptive and says he always figured she was using us to make herself feel better about herself. She actually insisted that she buy my sons' girlfriends Christmas gifts ($40 on each one) so I guess that eliminates the possibility of her being a gold-digger type. She would take my sons and her son to dinner, movies, etc. and would act insulted if I tried to give her money.
This "pure, simple mom" facade came crashing down when my sons saw a Facebook chat she was having with a guy when they asked if they could use her laptop a minute. It was very vulgar and my oldest son said "Daddy, I hope you don't like her anymore. She seems like a ho." I asked her about it and she said "I was logged in as my friend; she wanted me to see what this guy was telling her." She even went so far as to say "It obviously wasn't me talking to him because he is half-black; my girlfriend likes black guys. This guy is whiter than me!
Because of her lying about this I made a snide remark about her body in a joking manner and she didn't speak to me for 2 days. She told me "nobody has ever been as critical of me or hurt me as much as you" and after feeling guilty and repeatedly apologizing to her she acted nice again and then proceeded to tell me of some upcoming dates she had lined up. She knew this would hurt me. I began more actively seeking answers after seeing how she is.
You're right; it's funny how they are so self-righteous and act as if they are the moral minority despite how they live. I remember every time she and I would have an argument and I would say "aww to hell with you" she would go on FB the next day and post something like "I just love my life! I'm surrounded by the greatest people in the world!" and her usual band of dumb-asses would "Like" her status. Now that I am aware, she has become so predictable, and it is nice to realize it wasn't all me and that I'm the bad guy she made me think I was.
The way I'm going to play this is to not initiate any kind of contact with her and show indifference to her if she asks me to do something. I just have to figure out a way to not push her too hard because I want her to still think I'm a potential supplier. I also have to figure out a way to hide my smiles and laughter when I'm with her and she follows the script.
If I don't hear back from her in another day or two should I send her a simple text like 'Hi" and see where it goes? I want to bait her but not give in to where she thinks I'm in the fan club. Thanks.

NowIGetIt wrote:I asked her about it and she said "I was logged in as my friend; she wanted me to see what this guy was telling her." She even went so far as to say "It obviously wasn't me talking to him because he is half-black; my girlfriend likes black guys. This guy is whiter than me!

Edited

- Labor.

Pretty much right on. Just don't forget they mirror. TO me that is the hardest thing in dealing with HPD. They reflect back only what you tell them and only what you want to see. Even if you know HPD backwards and forwards, that's a hard thing to resist.

It sounds like you have a lot going on for you at the moment in a very complex situation. I'm moving this thread to Relationships, where you'll receive more support as it is a relationship issue. The Relationship Forum deals with relationship problems of all kinds, including relationships with personality disordered people, and the issues surrounding them.

Labor, I edited your post because it was irrelevent to the subject, and your comments may have been construed as racist, although I'm sure this wasn't your intention.

Do you guys think it would be bad form to bait her with a simple "Hi" text? I'm concerned that if I do that she will think "I win! teehee!" I don't really give an ish about her anymore; I'm just so eager to get this experiment rolling.

It sounds like you are kinda angry;I've been there. At any rate, in my opinion it's not right to run "experiments" on people with PD's...she will probably see right through you and she might already feel betrayed in many ways and you will only be reinforcing her sense of alienation. While it's ok to learn, to understand HPD, while staying strong in yourself... overall it's better for everyone; her, you, your family, to forgive.

Stay on the right path.

orion8591 wrote:It sounds like you are kinda angry;I've been there. At any rate, in my opinion it's not right to run "experiments" on people with PD's...she will probably see right through you and she might already feel betrayed in many ways and you will only be reinforcing her sense of alienation. While it's ok to learn, to understand HPD, while staying strong in yourself... overall it's better for everyone; her, you, your family, to forgive.

Stay on the right path.

You are right Orion; I am kinda angry. You are probably right about not running experiments on people with PD's but it almost seems like having the ability to go back in time with new-found hindsight, to kind of right some wrongs and undo some others. I just can't stand the thought of her getting the best of me and that she is doing the same to others. I would really like the opportunity to one-up her. Hell, maybe I have some kind of PD. Like you said, forgiveness is best; it's just not the most rewarding in the short term.

I'd also recommend not getting caught up experimenting on others, PDs or not. It's understandable that you want some validation of your new found understanding, maybe even some sense of justice, but from another point of view, you can be happy that you were fortunate enough not to be one of those born with cluster B thinking. From that point of view it's unjust world that some are born with personality disorders. On some level we want to believe it is purely a matter of will and free choice, but it's also beyond me to know if that's true or not. If not, there is no justice in playing games with those who need help/therapy.